TL;DR stream of thought/vent put to keyboard.
almost twenty minutes into a space engineers gaming session, USS Arizona replica coming along nicely, then like a wall it hits me. a realization that i am pretty much happy, or at least numb to my world, and enjoying myself. in an instant i feel regret and guilt wash over me, i hate myself so much that i can't stand to see myself in a positive state. standing up, i rip the cables out of the back of my computer and throw them on the desk. time for a cigarette or two, gotta punish my lungs too. i have the cheap reds, three, before i can come back inside. it's 21 degrees F out this morning, but i'm not wearing a jacket... or shoes. just standing barefoot on the concrete because i'm so angry, i've got to suffer. back inside i ignore the food in the kitchen despite the rumbles in my stomach, my discomfort feels almost right, as if i know to expect such treatment from myself. then i go to sit for a while by myself and waste my own time staring at the wall till it's time to sleep. ah bedtime, crying my crazy ass to sleep agian so i can go plaster on a convincing fake smile and work at my crappy job all the while wishing to ctb, and not being able to for a variety of complex reasons.
sorry for the wall of text, run on sentences, and any errors. maybe someone on here could relate? or at least i could give someone something to read in the bathroom. i guess i practice a form of self neglect because i hate myself. anyway, hope you have a better day than me.
almost twenty minutes into a space engineers gaming session, USS Arizona replica coming along nicely, then like a wall it hits me. a realization that i am pretty much happy, or at least numb to my world, and enjoying myself. in an instant i feel regret and guilt wash over me, i hate myself so much that i can't stand to see myself in a positive state. standing up, i rip the cables out of the back of my computer and throw them on the desk. time for a cigarette or two, gotta punish my lungs too. i have the cheap reds, three, before i can come back inside. it's 21 degrees F out this morning, but i'm not wearing a jacket... or shoes. just standing barefoot on the concrete because i'm so angry, i've got to suffer. back inside i ignore the food in the kitchen despite the rumbles in my stomach, my discomfort feels almost right, as if i know to expect such treatment from myself. then i go to sit for a while by myself and waste my own time staring at the wall till it's time to sleep. ah bedtime, crying my crazy ass to sleep agian so i can go plaster on a convincing fake smile and work at my crappy job all the while wishing to ctb, and not being able to for a variety of complex reasons.
sorry for the wall of text, run on sentences, and any errors. maybe someone on here could relate? or at least i could give someone something to read in the bathroom. i guess i practice a form of self neglect because i hate myself. anyway, hope you have a better day than me.
