Venting Caught between guilt and desperation

[trynacbt]

As my ctb date approaches, I find myself either feeling extreme guilt to the point of second guessing all my plans and torturing myself with imagining a possible future, or feeling more desperate than I think I've ever been, to the point of exhaustion and an inability to do anything at all.

I know there's no solution to this. If I stay I'll continue to feel desperate every minute of every day; if I go, everyone I love will be hurt.

It's just kind of astounding to me that my emotions are so strong at this time. It's like my body itself knows what's coming. That this is the final stretch.

And still I hope nothing will get in my way.

 

[Ame]

It's quite the impasse to find yourself at and your feelings are valid. I don't think that you are alone in worrying for those left behind. Still, I am so sorry that you are in agony. I wish that there was something that I could tell you that would help your situation, but I cannot pretend that I know the answer because it is as you say: there is no real solution. While you are able, please take good care.

 

[Kingkelly]

I thought about have a date but then I think Id just feel guilty about my family so when I go I am doing it on a whim. I dont know when but it will happen. Sooner than later. Fuck plastic surgery fuck doctors they are fucking useless. Desperate to feel no pain and shame. I know what you are going thru. Emotions are strong and the mind is a powerful thing. I wish you the best.

 

[trynacbt]

I thought about have a date but then I think Id just feel guilty about my family so when I go I am doing it on a whim. I dont know when but it will happen. Sooner than later. Fuck plastic surgery fuck doctors they are fucking useless. Desperate to feel no pain and shame. I know what you are going thru. Emotions are strong and the mind is a powerful thing. I wish you the best.

Thank you. I hope you're doing okay.

 

[Kingkelly]

Thank you. I hope you're doing okay.

NO I am not ok. Im not ok. I hate myself for what I chose to do to myself. I also have chronic leg pain can hardly walk. I cant go on like this. Im in hell everday I am scared of my own reflection in the mirror. I am treated so poorly after this. I should have listened to everyone but I did not. Now I am disfigured and society is cruel. I want to go now. I have my method what am I waiting for. Every day i picture my dead body when I wake up like it would be so much easier to be dead than have to live in my body with my fucked up situation I created for myself. I am far from ok.

 

[trynacbt]

NO I am not ok. Im not ok. I hate myself for what I chose to do to myself. I also have chronic leg pain can hardly walk. I cant go on like this. Im in hell everday I am scared of my own reflection in the mirror. I am treated so poorly after this. I should have listened to everyone but I did not. Now I am disfigured and society is cruel. I want to go now. I have my method what am I waiting for. Every day i picture my dead body when I wake up like it would be so much easier to be dead than have to live in my body with my fucked up situation I created for myself. I am far from ok.

I'm so sorry.

 

[Kingkelly]

I'm so sorry.

Plastic surgeon destroyed my eyes face and life. I will kill myself I just dont know when. Never get plastic surgery. I needed therapy last year, not to have someone destroy my face and eyes. God this cant even be real life.

 

[Stan]

As my ctb date approaches, I find myself either feeling extreme guilt to the point of second guessing all my plans and torturing myself with imagining a possible future, or feeling more desperate than I think I've ever been, to the point of exhaustion and an inability to do anything at all.

I know there's no solution to this. If I stay I'll continue to feel desperate every minute of every day; if I go, everyone I love will be hurt.

It's just kind of astounding to me that my emotions are so strong at this time. It's like my body itself knows what's coming. That this is the final stretch.

And still I hope nothing will get in my way.

Being honest with yourself is the best way. You and you alone know what is best for you. Happy to chat if you want to hear the ramblings of an old man

 

[Notf1xable]

Every decision we make includes dealing with the emotions surrounding it, there's no one way to react and to feel about it. I think part of the issue, is all emotions not really being accepted, how many people hear "It gets better" "fight harder" and "it just takes time". Anyone that brings up feeling anything less than cheery is told to be quiet. It's had major consequences for so many people. I've always considered myself a realist but most people I do interact with call me a pessimist so take from that what you will.

 

[trynacbt]

Every decision we make includes dealing with the emotions surrounding it, there's no one way to react and to feel about it. I think part of the issue, is all emotions not really being accepted, how many people hear "It gets better" "fight harder" and "it just takes time". Anyone that brings up feeling anything less than cheery is told to be quiet. It's had major consequences for so many people. I've always considered myself a realist but most people I do interact with call me a pessimist so take from that what you will.

So, so true! I've discovered this is especially real as I've been talking to someone vey close to me, been super open about how I'm feeling and how low I am, and there has been a surprising amount of positivity/calm in response. I think people really don't expect ctb unless one outright says it.
And I also see myself as a realist/others call me a pessimist.

 

[Worndown]

If you have no chance to make everyone or anyone happy, work the problem so it comes closest to making you happy. It is your life to manage.

 

[Are you lost too?]

This is pretty hard. I think a lot about that too. It leaves me with two thoughts:

1. Even thought they will hurt, I can't stay here suffering, "just" because of them. should I decide to lige, it must be for me, not for anyone else.

2. shouldn't I be more worried about myself - like what happens after death, or about the "'missing future" or the attempt going sideways and live with any possible damages. (Not trying to sound selfish. But we're born alone and we die alone. And we're responsible for everything in between,and most times for the end, even if notb y suicide)

This is a very complicated and subtle topic.

 

[Misanthrope]

I am in the exact same situation. The best solace for my guilt is to ensure those I leave behind are well provided for. Since there is no option to say goodbye and tell them in person everything I would like to say I may just have to write to each of them. In the hopes it shuts down self blame or their own guilt after I am gone. But I don't think anything is going to soften this loss. It eats at me constantly because while I am alive I can't shut off my imagination for what it will mean to them. I feel like absolute scum every time I interact with them because I know what my intentions are while pretending otherwise. Seems like it is eating at you as well. I don't have solution to the guilt. But I can't stay living a hollow existence in pain solely for the sake of them. Pain wins and I am defeated. Do you ever feel like you are suffocating from the days ahead even if they have not happened yet? That drives my own desperation, especially the moment I think of sticking this out to its natural conclusion. I just can't.

 

[trynacbt]

I am in the exact same situation. The best solace for my guilt is to ensure those I leave behind are well provided for. Since there is no option to say goodbye and tell them in person everything I would like to say I may just have to write to each of them. In the hopes it shuts down self blame or their own guilt after I am gone. But I don't think anything is going to soften this loss. It eats at me constantly because while I am alive I can't shut off my imagination for what it will mean to them. I feel like absolute scum every time I interact with them because I know what my intentions are while pretending otherwise. Seems like it is eating at you as well. I don't have solution to the guilt. But I can't stay living a hollow existence in pain solely for the sake of them. Pain wins and I am defeated. Do you ever feel like you are suffocating from the days ahead even if they have not happened yet? That drives my own desperation, especially the moment I think of sticking this out to its natural conclusion. I just can't.

Ugh, yes, this thing about feeling guilty when interacting with them because you know your true intentions is so relatable for me. Especially because in my case, I'm leaving behind people whom I depend on. In some sense it's easier because I'm not providing for them, so it's not like I'm leaving them in need... but in another sense, I feel like all I've done all my life is taken from them and now I'm turning my back without ever giving. But then, part of the reason I want to ctb is because I believe I am incapable of truly giving, and that breaks my heart.

 

[Ame]

Ugh, yes, this thing about feeling guilty when interacting with them because you know your true intentions is so relatable for me. Especially because in my case, I'm leaving behind people whom I depend on. In some sense it's easier because I'm not providing for them, so it's not like I'm leaving them in need... but in another sense, I feel like all I've done all my life is taken from them and now I'm turning my back without ever giving. But then, part of the reason I want to ctb is because I believe I am incapable of truly giving, and that breaks my heart.

I'm sorry to quote, but your post really does well to describe my own feelings. In some ways it is easier because I am not directly responsible for sustaining someone else's life (I am neither married nor have children)...but in other ways it really isn't. A core value of mine is to be there to take care of my parents when they become too old to care for themselves but as I am now I cannot see myself being able to. I cannot even be relied on to live independently at this point. My parents raised me and gave me everything and to burden them by turning out like this is incredibly painful. More than the shame and all of the guilt, I hate that I cannot do my duty and what I truly believe is right.