Catching the bus is hard

[Fre_diE]

Anyone struggle with the overwhelming dicotomy of dispair that your life has resorted to CTB in order to find any peace and the hope of dying asap? That is to say, it's an emotional, mental war that I have to keep hidden so I can continue 'living' (i.e. working, paying bills, pretending to care about anything) while trying to find the best method to so alone.

 

[symphony]

Yeah. I expect I'll most likely CTB within a year, maybe two, but all those preparations take time - time in which I have to continually fight to survive.

 

[Fre_diE]

Exactly. We fight to survive but wish to die all the while worrying about what when and where in both circumstances. I mean i may be crazy but this situation makes me feel so crazy ... and my life isn't even worth living!

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult. All that I want is to peacefully pass away but the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit holds me back. Ctb certainly is hard, humans have a powerful survival instinct as well. I am so tired of living and this life really can be so awful. I have never wanted to live and I see life as being only meaningless suffering. I just wish that it was easier to leave. I wish you the best.

 

[BigGimpin]

I also feel trapped in this world, I am disabled from a spinal cord injury, been in a chair 37 years, im 52 and live in a studio at my parents house, I have been open and honest with them about wanting to CTB, but I have no means of doing it and it's driving me crazy! I do not want to live like this anymore! My health is failing and I can barely even sit in my wheelchair i hurt so bad. I want this suffering to end. Thinking about SN, but not sure how I can get it past my parents. My mom got frustrated with me today and said, "why dont you try and find some fentanyl? Kinda shocked me...all I know is that I cannot live like this much longer, I am losing my independence.....so frustrated...

 

[Chiisai]

Anyone struggle with the overwhelming dicotomy of dispair that your life has resorted to CTB in order to find any peace and the hope of dying asap? That is to say, it's an emotional, mental war that I have to keep hidden so I can continue 'living' (i.e. working, paying bills, pretending to care about anything) while trying to find the best method to so alone.

I feel you. The slight sliver of hope makes me want to live but with the overwhelming pain that comes with staying, its becoming more unbearable and tears my sanity bit by bit.

 

[DeepSlumber]

To some, tying up loose ends isn't important, or there aren't many. To others, it's very important, and the issues that need tidying up and preparing for in relation to ctb are more complex, involving real estate, rights to this or that, etc. My timeline is within two years, I just need to figure the logistics of where I will do the deed (Nembutal, thankfully), hopefully not blow it or vomit (taking Meto), and not mortify/traumatize my friends if they discover my body. None of this planning is easy, but though it's hard to focus much of thime for me, I love the idea that I'll be in non-existence once again--just like before I was conceived. And within two years (possibly sooner if the summer gets ferociously hot. It got over 120 degrees last year! Hell is cooler no doubt.

 

[Daniel905420]

Anyone struggle with the overwhelming dicotomy of dispair that your life has resorted to CTB in order to find any peace and the hope of dying asap? That is to say, it's an emotional, mental war that I have to keep hidden so I can continue 'living' (i.e. working, paying bills, pretending to care about anything) while trying to find the best method to so alone.

It's tough. You think and talk about it over and over until eventually you just get tired and numb of saying and thinking it I guess. It's how I'm starting to feel.

 

[Artemis7]

I've had a lot of tough times but never thought things would get to this point. I'm in constant physical pain all the time, can't work, am totally destroyed on just about every level and fear that what I am suffering from is likely going to leave me seriously debilitated...but slowly and painfully with no hope of medical reprieve. But still there is this tug-of-war and somehow I am still here. I watched my fiancee die of cancer and cared for him. Thought that would be the absolute worse thing I would ever experience but it is nothing compared to what I'm going through now.

 

[Squiddy]

I feel you. The slight sliver of hope makes me want to live but with the overwhelming pain that comes with staying, its becoming more unbearable and tears my sanity bit by bit.

I feel this. I lose more hope day after after and am waiting for the day I have 0 hope left