suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
Do you think our ancestors can can pass their trauma to us through DNA? Like an evolutionary mechanism for survival, so we can "know" instinctively what to avoid and how to react?
After my failed suicide attempt, I had a weird episode of intense obsession regarding the idea of being jailed and tortured. I usually considered myself a person of clear thinking and decent integrity. But at that time I begun being obsessed about acting like a coward while being tortured as a prisoner. Why was I thinking about this? Was it just that I saw the world as a jail and I started to exaggerate thoughts in my head because I was so exhausted?
Maybe I am looking for answers in the wrong places, but what if actually one of my ancestors was jailed and I'm carrying his trauma? The obsession with jail was just too strong and unnatural. Part of me even wanted to be jailed just so I could see how bravely I would react, like that character in 1984 who at least wanted to keep hating "them", to keep his inner thoughts in a framework of integrity. I wanted to be put in such a situation to see how I would react, fearing that I would actually succumb to cowardice.
Sometimes when I mind my daily business and fall pray to the illusion of hope or excitement, I joke with myself by quoting 1984 "He loved the Big Brother.." (the Big Brother in my case being life itself, with all its bullshit and illusions, which I wish I could escape, but I lack the courage).
Does anyone relate?
After my failed suicide attempt, I had a weird episode of intense obsession regarding the idea of being jailed and tortured. I usually considered myself a person of clear thinking and decent integrity. But at that time I begun being obsessed about acting like a coward while being tortured as a prisoner. Why was I thinking about this? Was it just that I saw the world as a jail and I started to exaggerate thoughts in my head because I was so exhausted?
Maybe I am looking for answers in the wrong places, but what if actually one of my ancestors was jailed and I'm carrying his trauma? The obsession with jail was just too strong and unnatural. Part of me even wanted to be jailed just so I could see how bravely I would react, like that character in 1984 who at least wanted to keep hating "them", to keep his inner thoughts in a framework of integrity. I wanted to be put in such a situation to see how I would react, fearing that I would actually succumb to cowardice.
Sometimes when I mind my daily business and fall pray to the illusion of hope or excitement, I joke with myself by quoting 1984 "He loved the Big Brother.." (the Big Brother in my case being life itself, with all its bullshit and illusions, which I wish I could escape, but I lack the courage).
Does anyone relate?