The assessor of the care money was friendly. At the same time it was embarrassing as fuck. But if I get 450 Euros it was worth it. All the job interviews were also very humiliating. And with the care money I even have a real chance. However, I am pretty under fire. I am extremely stressed. But the care money gives me hope. Real hope because financial issues are one of my top reasons for suicide.
Not good starting conditions for the date tomorrow (the mental stress). It will be at 6 p.m. Usually I take my medication at 7 p.m. with food which is necessary and it would make me sleepy. I am very anxious to become paranoid or even psychotic tomorrow. At the same I still think we are not a good match.
The self-help group today was pretty good. HOWEVER, I could not talk with my crush. She often barely says a word anyway.
Her earrings looked amazing. She looked away when I looked at her. I should give up on her. But I still notice how she laughs at my jokes. And I noticed she sometimes looks at me when she thinks I am not noticing it. But this could be overinterpretation.
I met someone who I invited to our self-help group. And it did not work well. This dude is extremely intelligent, extremely educated but also smug as fuck. I can relate to him. I also want to be intelligent and educated but I think sometimes I might be perceived as smug. At least this STEM professor considered me conceited and being a loudmouth. I think the dude was probably way smarter and more educated than me but also way more smug. He explained his issues with working. And he used like one million technical terms also sometimes in very weird contexts and it felt like he want to demonstrate all the time that he is smarter than us. Also some of the things he said did not make any sense. I often had the feeling he is sort of delusional. I am pretty sure he is to a certain extent. I really struggled to suppress laughing when he lectured us. And it totally sounded insane. I am not sure how this was perceived by the others. I think some noticed my behavior.
My current crush left the session when the guy continued to lecture us and I tried everything I could not to laugh. The session was really interesting it was about biases, philosophy, societal injustice and the dude I invited talked about interesting topics. After the session I had a talk with my first crush I had at this group. Yes I had two crushes. She is PHD student in chemistry. To be honest she is also pretty awesome. It is not her outer appearance but her character is great. Because she does not look extremely good I thought men might not be interested in her. That seems to be wrong according to her stories. However, as I learned some months ago she is in a longterm partnerships. Which prevents me to become paranoid again about her. She initiated a conversation with me after the session. She told me that my points are often very interesting. And she alluded towards me that she likes that I am not smug (as the other guy). She did not say it explicitly she is very friendly. Though, tt was obvious that she meant that. But tbh this compliment should make me feel pretty humble. I am often very scared to be conceived as conceited or smug. The compliment of her was pretty good but I don't know I cannot really accept it. I think I would have died during the time period I had a crush on her if she told me something like that.
I try to get as much sleep as possible. The positive thing is the pressure with the date tomorrow is not that high. Because other women also interest me. Maybe even a little bit more. The thing is I would like to have a girlfriend with whom I can talk about either politics/philosophy or mental health. I suspcet that my date has autism it is our second date. But she is so emotionally distanced towards me and she barely texts me which is very important for me. Not sure whether I should take a benzo. Maybe I will take it with me just in case.
Not good starting conditions for the date tomorrow (the mental stress). It will be at 6 p.m. Usually I take my medication at 7 p.m. with food which is necessary and it would make me sleepy. I am very anxious to become paranoid or even psychotic tomorrow. At the same I still think we are not a good match.
The self-help group today was pretty good. HOWEVER, I could not talk with my crush. She often barely says a word anyway.
Her earrings looked amazing. She looked away when I looked at her. I should give up on her. But I still notice how she laughs at my jokes. And I noticed she sometimes looks at me when she thinks I am not noticing it. But this could be overinterpretation.
I met someone who I invited to our self-help group. And it did not work well. This dude is extremely intelligent, extremely educated but also smug as fuck. I can relate to him. I also want to be intelligent and educated but I think sometimes I might be perceived as smug. At least this STEM professor considered me conceited and being a loudmouth. I think the dude was probably way smarter and more educated than me but also way more smug. He explained his issues with working. And he used like one million technical terms also sometimes in very weird contexts and it felt like he want to demonstrate all the time that he is smarter than us. Also some of the things he said did not make any sense. I often had the feeling he is sort of delusional. I am pretty sure he is to a certain extent. I really struggled to suppress laughing when he lectured us. And it totally sounded insane. I am not sure how this was perceived by the others. I think some noticed my behavior.
My current crush left the session when the guy continued to lecture us and I tried everything I could not to laugh. The session was really interesting it was about biases, philosophy, societal injustice and the dude I invited talked about interesting topics. After the session I had a talk with my first crush I had at this group. Yes I had two crushes. She is PHD student in chemistry. To be honest she is also pretty awesome. It is not her outer appearance but her character is great. Because she does not look extremely good I thought men might not be interested in her. That seems to be wrong according to her stories. However, as I learned some months ago she is in a longterm partnerships. Which prevents me to become paranoid again about her. She initiated a conversation with me after the session. She told me that my points are often very interesting. And she alluded towards me that she likes that I am not smug (as the other guy). She did not say it explicitly she is very friendly. Though, tt was obvious that she meant that. But tbh this compliment should make me feel pretty humble. I am often very scared to be conceived as conceited or smug. The compliment of her was pretty good but I don't know I cannot really accept it. I think I would have died during the time period I had a crush on her if she told me something like that.
I try to get as much sleep as possible. The positive thing is the pressure with the date tomorrow is not that high. Because other women also interest me. Maybe even a little bit more. The thing is I would like to have a girlfriend with whom I can talk about either politics/philosophy or mental health. I suspcet that my date has autism it is our second date. But she is so emotionally distanced towards me and she barely texts me which is very important for me. Not sure whether I should take a benzo. Maybe I will take it with me just in case.
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