Just a vent post.
I hate myself so much that those negative feelings leak into every facet of my life. A year or two ago I would've claimed to love and adore my sisters more than anything in the world, today, I can hardly stand a conversation with them. I envy them. It's horrible but I feel so much jealousy for the difference in responsibility— as the eldest, their timelines and experiences, their general worldviews, even the way they look. They don't deserve my resentment. It's no fault of theirs that I hate myself and can't put in the work to change my life because I'm a lazy miserable bum. I resent my parents, I resent my friends, I resent everyone and every thing and put up higher walls every day.
Above all, I resent the people who built and nourish a world that encourages greed and selfishness, and discourages empathy, love, and kindness. It sounds self-contradictory considering I just outed myself as being full of disdain, but my hate is my own problem, I try not to make it anyone else's. I actively fight negative thoughts I have about others, which usually come about after the cauldron of self-directed insults boils over. These villains live without a care in the world for anyone but themselves. It fills me with genuine dread and tips the scale further in favor of hopelessness every day Iʻm met with a new form of advertising or a new headline to click and read about another crime against humanity. I cannot begin to understand how someone might live with themselves hoarding blood money while people, animals, and plants are killed. They arenʻt just dying, they are intentionally being discarded for the sake of oiling the machine.
When capitalismʻs cancerous touch has infected every corner of the Earth, even the parts I still manage to enjoy, why should I take up space—compliant at best, an active participant and perpetrator at worst--if I donʻt even like myself. Iʻve talked and thought myself in circles for years— there is no light at the end of the tunnel, not for me at least. I just want to die. It gets worse every year as Iʻm immersed further into adulthood and grow privy to the workings of ʻthe real worldʻ.
Also this wasnʻt written by AI, I am staunchly anti-generative-AI. I donʻt even know if I use em dashes correctly, I just use them because it feels right and I have free will! Wish I could articulate my feelings a bit better and more effectively. I hope maybe someone relates. Some people claim to feel the same way but seemingly donʻt encounter the same moral dilemma when they choose to be a marketing major.
I hate myself so much that those negative feelings leak into every facet of my life. A year or two ago I would've claimed to love and adore my sisters more than anything in the world, today, I can hardly stand a conversation with them. I envy them. It's horrible but I feel so much jealousy for the difference in responsibility— as the eldest, their timelines and experiences, their general worldviews, even the way they look. They don't deserve my resentment. It's no fault of theirs that I hate myself and can't put in the work to change my life because I'm a lazy miserable bum. I resent my parents, I resent my friends, I resent everyone and every thing and put up higher walls every day.
Above all, I resent the people who built and nourish a world that encourages greed and selfishness, and discourages empathy, love, and kindness. It sounds self-contradictory considering I just outed myself as being full of disdain, but my hate is my own problem, I try not to make it anyone else's. I actively fight negative thoughts I have about others, which usually come about after the cauldron of self-directed insults boils over. These villains live without a care in the world for anyone but themselves. It fills me with genuine dread and tips the scale further in favor of hopelessness every day Iʻm met with a new form of advertising or a new headline to click and read about another crime against humanity. I cannot begin to understand how someone might live with themselves hoarding blood money while people, animals, and plants are killed. They arenʻt just dying, they are intentionally being discarded for the sake of oiling the machine.
When capitalismʻs cancerous touch has infected every corner of the Earth, even the parts I still manage to enjoy, why should I take up space—compliant at best, an active participant and perpetrator at worst--if I donʻt even like myself. Iʻve talked and thought myself in circles for years— there is no light at the end of the tunnel, not for me at least. I just want to die. It gets worse every year as Iʻm immersed further into adulthood and grow privy to the workings of ʻthe real worldʻ.
Also this wasnʻt written by AI, I am staunchly anti-generative-AI. I donʻt even know if I use em dashes correctly, I just use them because it feels right and I have free will! Wish I could articulate my feelings a bit better and more effectively. I hope maybe someone relates. Some people claim to feel the same way but seemingly donʻt encounter the same moral dilemma when they choose to be a marketing major.
