Hey guys., I don't want to litter the main board for no reason so I'm going to make my own thread here as some have to talk about my thoughts, feelings , and vent a little (or a lot).
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I feel like a lot of people here have real reasons to ctb and mine is just abysmal. I had a pretty good childhood and my parents gave me a lot of time and effort.
They could be a little strict sometimes. Particularly my father, with grades, and I did get in relative trouble for getting anything below a C in class. However, I wasted most of my youth being depressed in an angry way. I was never satisfied, and there was always something bothering my since the age of 15.
Somehow I was both the bully and the one being made fun of. Picked on in middle school but not nice either. Signs put on my back for being too nerdy or just being pointed and laughed at by groups of other kids.
I could be mean to my friends due to my own discontentment and insecurities, and most people really did grow out of this type of behavior around high school. I challenged myself by running cross country in high school even though I didn't like it. I wasted 4 perfectly good years I could have spent studying and having friends and bonding doing running for hours after school in the blazing heat. Sometimes I almost threw up.
My parents were conservative and my dad, who was loving towards me, often made very rude remarks about other people which I took to heart instead of just believing my friends who were obviously right about these topics. My dad was fatphobic and I became anorexic, either due to him or because at the time there was a lot of fatphobic messaging on TV.
I spent my college years being stupidly depressed due to BDD and my ex breaking up with me, instead of studying and enjoying those years, and then started aging very rapidly around age 21 after drinking 2 energy drinks a day and letting my weight get down to a 15 bmi along with a junk food diet and being sad
I was placed outpatient at an eating disorder clinic where I gained weight and was medicated but my skin never really bounced back after that. I spent a long time just doing nothing, working from home, etc.
I discovered I was queer later but it didn't really matter. I finally I understood the correct way of thinking, but I had to be told. I started off as kind of a weird and angry child and I don't know why either. I remember being angry that someone stole my spot in preschool, that someone ate my goldfish crackers, that someone beat me at a video game. I hated people being better than me and almost everyone was better than me.
I spent too long pretending I was better than other people when I wasn't and I wasted my life and my youth and what were supposed to be good times being pissed off about insanely stupid things that didn't matter.
I grew out of it too late. I try to spread positivity now but I can't look past what I ruined for myself. I look old before my time and my skin is a wreck and I don't have a career. You have to be trying to look as bad as me. People here are so incredibly kind and gentle and I admire them all so much and feel badly that they were abused or hurt and that something like that is driving them to ctb. You are the ones I wished I had listened to before it was too late.
I was always trying to be tough because I knew people saw me as weak. It made me feel bad, I wanted to be as good as everyone else but the way to be good was by putting the effort in...not by trying to be tough. I am not tough.
I have been trying to be better for around 10 years now and when I began feeling suicidal was the moment I realized that I truly wanted to understand the meaning of life which is to give and receive love. Most people are born with that knowledge. I unveiled my lesson when I learned that purpose and I am living my remaining days slow to anger and very very emotional and hopefully understanding.
I failed something very fundamental and human. Other people were volunteering in high school and preparing for their futures while I was stuck being an eternal child for no reason. I feel like below garbage. A worm that couldn't pass an essential test. There are worse people than me who didn't ruin their life like this.
My parents would still do anything for me and I have a loving partner but what I gave up is just too much. I failed too hard. My behavior too abnormal and twisted and repulsive. Most people at least care about the way they look and don't ruin it the second they become a young adult. Most people are mature by college. I hit every correct button to make myself truly, utterly, miserable. I had almost reached my childhood dream when I had the breakdown but I truly don't even care about that anymore either.
The other day a client told me he had cancer and was learning self care and positivity and that I should concentrate on myself when I couldn't complete a project for him out of depression. He offered to chat. The beauty of humanity is that there are so many good people out there who just want the best for everyone out of instinct.
I feel I was broken from the start. Some of my first memories are of being mean or angry. I don't even understand why, my parents aren't like that. They don't anger easily. I wish I had been normal, was it because my mom fell while pregnant with me? Was it because I fell out the window of my house as a toddler and got a huge bump on my head? I was only ever hit once or twice. I don't believe in hitting but maybe I should have been hit more. Maybe I should have been the exception.
And of course my last impulse is to ctb and leave people behind who care about me, I literally just do not feel like a human. I do not fathom how a human can fall and fail as hard as me. Literally nothing that a normal human does, even in self preservation, did I do. When I say "why me", I am really asking why I couldn't do a single thing correctly.
So of course my ego is important to me and my childhood memories are meaningful. Someone like that, who had been so useless, cornering themselves into ctb and who clearly deserves to do so, of course cares deeply and passionately about my own life or bullshit memories.
I couldn't save myself when everyone else did and I'm done. Im tired of being haunted, flashing memories and images, constantly trying to pull back decisions that I made ages ago. As a kid I truly never imagined how dismal and pathetic I would be and am deeply sorry for it to myself and everyone else I was a nuisance to.
Diagnosis:
Generalized anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, BDD, generalized eating disorder
They could be a little strict sometimes. Particularly my father, with grades, and I did get in relative trouble for getting anything below a C in class. However, I wasted most of my youth being depressed in an angry way. I was never satisfied, and there was always something bothering my since the age of 15.
Somehow I was both the bully and the one being made fun of. Picked on in middle school but not nice either. Signs put on my back for being too nerdy or just being pointed and laughed at by groups of other kids.
I could be mean to my friends due to my own discontentment and insecurities, and most people really did grow out of this type of behavior around high school. I challenged myself by running cross country in high school even though I didn't like it. I wasted 4 perfectly good years I could have spent studying and having friends and bonding doing running for hours after school in the blazing heat. Sometimes I almost threw up.
My parents were conservative and my dad, who was loving towards me, often made very rude remarks about other people which I took to heart instead of just believing my friends who were obviously right about these topics. My dad was fatphobic and I became anorexic, either due to him or because at the time there was a lot of fatphobic messaging on TV.
I spent my college years being stupidly depressed due to BDD and my ex breaking up with me, instead of studying and enjoying those years, and then started aging very rapidly around age 21 after drinking 2 energy drinks a day and letting my weight get down to a 15 bmi along with a junk food diet and being sad
I was placed outpatient at an eating disorder clinic where I gained weight and was medicated but my skin never really bounced back after that. I spent a long time just doing nothing, working from home, etc.
I discovered I was queer later but it didn't really matter. I finally I understood the correct way of thinking, but I had to be told. I started off as kind of a weird and angry child and I don't know why either. I remember being angry that someone stole my spot in preschool, that someone ate my goldfish crackers, that someone beat me at a video game. I hated people being better than me and almost everyone was better than me.
I spent too long pretending I was better than other people when I wasn't and I wasted my life and my youth and what were supposed to be good times being pissed off about insanely stupid things that didn't matter.
I grew out of it too late. I try to spread positivity now but I can't look past what I ruined for myself. I look old before my time and my skin is a wreck and I don't have a career. You have to be trying to look as bad as me. People here are so incredibly kind and gentle and I admire them all so much and feel badly that they were abused or hurt and that something like that is driving them to ctb. You are the ones I wished I had listened to before it was too late.
I was always trying to be tough because I knew people saw me as weak. It made me feel bad, I wanted to be as good as everyone else but the way to be good was by putting the effort in...not by trying to be tough. I am not tough.
I have been trying to be better for around 10 years now and when I began feeling suicidal was the moment I realized that I truly wanted to understand the meaning of life which is to give and receive love. Most people are born with that knowledge. I unveiled my lesson when I learned that purpose and I am living my remaining days slow to anger and very very emotional and hopefully understanding.
I failed something very fundamental and human. Other people were volunteering in high school and preparing for their futures while I was stuck being an eternal child for no reason. I feel like below garbage. A worm that couldn't pass an essential test. There are worse people than me who didn't ruin their life like this.
My parents would still do anything for me and I have a loving partner but what I gave up is just too much. I failed too hard. My behavior too abnormal and twisted and repulsive. Most people at least care about the way they look and don't ruin it the second they become a young adult. Most people are mature by college. I hit every correct button to make myself truly, utterly, miserable. I had almost reached my childhood dream when I had the breakdown but I truly don't even care about that anymore either.
The other day a client told me he had cancer and was learning self care and positivity and that I should concentrate on myself when I couldn't complete a project for him out of depression. He offered to chat. The beauty of humanity is that there are so many good people out there who just want the best for everyone out of instinct.
I feel I was broken from the start. Some of my first memories are of being mean or angry. I don't even understand why, my parents aren't like that. They don't anger easily. I wish I had been normal, was it because my mom fell while pregnant with me? Was it because I fell out the window of my house as a toddler and got a huge bump on my head? I was only ever hit once or twice. I don't believe in hitting but maybe I should have been hit more. Maybe I should have been the exception.
And of course my last impulse is to ctb and leave people behind who care about me, I literally just do not feel like a human. I do not fathom how a human can fall and fail as hard as me. Literally nothing that a normal human does, even in self preservation, did I do. When I say "why me", I am really asking why I couldn't do a single thing correctly.
So of course my ego is important to me and my childhood memories are meaningful. Someone like that, who had been so useless, cornering themselves into ctb and who clearly deserves to do so, of course cares deeply and passionately about my own life or bullshit memories.
I couldn't save myself when everyone else did and I'm done. Im tired of being haunted, flashing memories and images, constantly trying to pull back decisions that I made ages ago. As a kid I truly never imagined how dismal and pathetic I would be and am deeply sorry for it to myself and everyone else I was a nuisance to.
Diagnosis:
Generalized anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, BDD, generalized eating disorder
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Had therapy last night and felt good talking to someone. I was referred to some other specialists as well. I felt a little better after the therapy but now I honestly feel terrible again. It seems like therapy is just temporary gratification for my problems. I'm supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist, a nutritionist, and am endocrinologist. I will follow up but as you can see I'm still here.
My partner had his 4th dream about our recently deceased cat. It makes me happy to know he can access such visions.
My partner had his 4th dream about our recently deceased cat. It makes me happy to know he can access such visions.
When I go to bed at night, I feel great. I can only imagine this is because I'm falling asleep and losing consciousness. If I could go like that and just die while I was sleeping it would be amazing. One always imagines death like sleeping, so what I wish is to treasure the idea of death the same way I treasure the idea of going to sleep permanently. I want to feel it as peacefulness and bliss. I hate the idea of how scary it is and everything that will haunt me as I do it.
I have the psych appointment tonight ! I have already tried Zoloft, luvox, and a few others.
Every SSRI gives me insomnia and recently luvox made me more suicidal.
Therefore I hope I will be prescribed Benzos. I highly doubt I will be but I am going to try my best.
Every SSRI gives me insomnia and recently luvox made me more suicidal.
Therefore I hope I will be prescribed Benzos. I highly doubt I will be but I am going to try my best.
So I was wrong about the date of the psych appointment, it's actually the day after tomorrow. I will try again to express how much anxiety I'm feeling.
I actually have therapy tomorrow and psych the day after. So that's two nights of therapy in a row. I actually DO feel a little better in therapy but it only lasts for the time that I'm taking it. I think that's actually valuable, in a way, but it won't be enough to not ctb.
I actually have therapy tomorrow and psych the day after. So that's two nights of therapy in a row. I actually DO feel a little better in therapy but it only lasts for the time that I'm taking it. I think that's actually valuable, in a way, but it won't be enough to not ctb.
My therapy appt was moved to today. I was looking forward to it yesterday so it disappointed me a little. Spouse said he missed doing things with me and missed our cat again. Death is always on my mind.
A couple of things. First, a few days ago my SO's sister had a dream about someone she felt she knew killing himself.
She knew I was depressed but I only told her one time that I wanted to "disappear." We aren't overly close and when my SO talked to her she claimed that she wasn't that worried about me. Still strange that it happened as I have been extremely suicidal lately.
Second thing that happened: I went to see Beetlejuice 2 yesterday. I liked it a lot but damn all of the death stuff was heavy for someone wanting to die. Particularly the grim picture of the afterlife. Several of the characters died via poisoning or suicide. When I was not suicidal I loved this stuff but now it gives me intrusive thoughts lmao. And yes, I know it's not real, but of course this type of thing will interject on me with this mentality.
It wasn't really my decision to go, my SO wanted to see it. But honestly I had been thinking of other such movies I had seen with my brain being no better at dealing with those thoughts either (particularly horror movies with gruesome deaths and other such things).
She knew I was depressed but I only told her one time that I wanted to "disappear." We aren't overly close and when my SO talked to her she claimed that she wasn't that worried about me. Still strange that it happened as I have been extremely suicidal lately.
Second thing that happened: I went to see Beetlejuice 2 yesterday. I liked it a lot but damn all of the death stuff was heavy for someone wanting to die. Particularly the grim picture of the afterlife. Several of the characters died via poisoning or suicide. When I was not suicidal I loved this stuff but now it gives me intrusive thoughts lmao. And yes, I know it's not real, but of course this type of thing will interject on me with this mentality.
It wasn't really my decision to go, my SO wanted to see it. But honestly I had been thinking of other such movies I had seen with my brain being no better at dealing with those thoughts either (particularly horror movies with gruesome deaths and other such things).
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