Hey guys., I don't want to litter the main board for no reason so I'm going to make my own thread here as some have to talk about my thoughts, feelings , and vent a little (or a lot).
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Hey Guest,
We will never comply with any of OFCOM's demands or any other nations censorious demands for that matter. We will only follow the laws of the land of which our server is located, which is the US.
Any demands for censorship or requests to comply with the law outside of the US will be promptly ignored.
No foreign laws or pressure will make us comply with anti-censorship laws and we will protect the speech of our members, regardless of where they might live in the world. If that means being blocked in the UK, so be it. We would advise that any UK member gets a VPN to browse the site, or use TOR.
However, today, we stand up these these governments that want to bully or censor this website.
Fuck OFCOM, and fuck any media organization or group that think it's cool or fun to stalk or bully people that suffering in this world.
Edit: We also wanted to address the veiled threats made against a staff member in the UK by the BBC in the news today. We are undeterred by any threats, intimination, by the BBC or by any other groups dedicated to doxxing and harassing our staff and members. Journalists from the BBC, CTV, Kansas Star, Daily Mail and many other outlets have continuiously ignored the fact that many of the people that they're interviewing (such as @leelfc84 on Twitter/X) and propping up are the same people posting addresses of staff members and our founders on social media. We show them proof of this and they ignore it and don't address it.They're all just as evil as each other, and should be treated accordingly. They do not care about the safety of our staff members, founders, or administrators, or even members, so why would they care about you?
Now that we have your attention, journalists, will you ever address this? You've given these evil people interviews, and free press.
I feel like a lot of people here have real reasons to ctb and mine is just abysmal. I had a pretty good childhood and my parents gave me a lot of time and effort.
They could be a little strict sometimes. Particularly my father, with grades, and I did get in relative trouble for getting anything below a C in class. However, I wasted most of my youth being depressed in an angry way. I was never satisfied, and there was always something bothering my since the age of 15.
Somehow I was both the bully and the one being made fun of. Picked on in middle school but not nice either. Signs put on my back for being too nerdy or just being pointed and laughed at by groups of other kids.
I could be mean to my friends due to my own discontentment and insecurities, and most people really did grow out of this type of behavior around high school. I challenged myself by running cross country in high school even though I didn't like it. I wasted 4 perfectly good years I could have spent studying and having friends and bonding doing running for hours after school in the blazing heat. Sometimes I almost threw up.
My parents were conservative and my dad, who was loving towards me, often made very rude remarks about other people which I took to heart instead of just believing my friends who were obviously right about these topics. My dad was fatphobic and I became anorexic, either due to him or because at the time there was a lot of fatphobic messaging on TV.
I spent my college years being stupidly depressed due to BDD and my ex breaking up with me, instead of studying and enjoying those years, and then started aging very rapidly around age 21 after drinking 2 energy drinks a day and letting my weight get down to a 15 bmi along with a junk food diet and being sad
I was placed outpatient at an eating disorder clinic where I gained weight and was medicated but my skin never really bounced back after that. I spent a long time just doing nothing, working from home, etc.
I discovered I was queer later but it didn't really matter. I finally I understood the correct way of thinking, but I had to be told. I started off as kind of a weird and angry child and I don't know why either. I remember being angry that someone stole my spot in preschool, that someone ate my goldfish crackers, that someone beat me at a video game. I hated people being better than me and almost everyone was better than me.
I spent too long pretending I was better than other people when I wasn't and I wasted my life and my youth and what were supposed to be good times being pissed off about insanely stupid things that didn't matter.
I grew out of it too late. I try to spread positivity now but I can't look past what I ruined for myself. I look old before my time and my skin is a wreck and I don't have a career. You have to be trying to look as bad as me. People here are so incredibly kind and gentle and I admire them all so much and feel badly that they were abused or hurt and that something like that is driving them to ctb. You are the ones I wished I had listened to before it was too late.
I was always trying to be tough because I knew people saw me as weak. It made me feel bad, I wanted to be as good as everyone else but the way to be good was by putting the effort in...not by trying to be tough. I am not tough.
I have been trying to be better for around 10 years now and when I began feeling suicidal was the moment I realized that I truly wanted to understand the meaning of life which is to give and receive love. Most people are born with that knowledge. I unveiled my lesson when I learned that purpose and I am living my remaining days slow to anger and very very emotional and hopefully understanding.
I failed something very fundamental and human. Other people were volunteering in high school and preparing for their futures while I was stuck being an eternal child for no reason. I feel like below garbage. A worm that couldn't pass an essential test. There are worse people than me who didn't ruin their life like this.
My parents would still do anything for me and I have a loving partner but what I gave up is just too much. I failed too hard. My behavior too abnormal and twisted and repulsive. Most people at least care about the way they look and don't ruin it the second they become a young adult. Most people are mature by college. I hit every correct button to make myself truly, utterly, miserable. I had almost reached my childhood dream when I had the breakdown but I truly don't even care about that anymore either.
The other day a client told me he had cancer and was learning self care and positivity and that I should concentrate on myself when I couldn't complete a project for him out of depression. He offered to chat. The beauty of humanity is that there are so many good people out there who just want the best for everyone out of instinct.
I feel I was broken from the start. Some of my first memories are of being mean or angry. I don't even understand why, my parents aren't like that. They don't anger easily. I wish I had been normal, was it because my mom fell while pregnant with me? Was it because I fell out the window of my house as a toddler and got a huge bump on my head? I was only ever hit once or twice. I don't believe in hitting but maybe I should have been hit more. Maybe I should have been the exception.
And of course my last impulse is to ctb and leave people behind who care about me, I literally just do not feel like a human. I do not fathom how a human can fall and fail as hard as me. Literally nothing that a normal human does, even in self preservation, did I do. When I say "why me", I am really asking why I couldn't do a single thing correctly.
So of course my ego is important to me and my childhood memories are meaningful. Someone like that, who had been so useless, cornering themselves into ctb and who clearly deserves to do so, of course cares deeply and passionately about my own life or bullshit memories.
I couldn't save myself when everyone else did and I'm done. Im tired of being haunted, flashing memories and images, constantly trying to pull back decisions that I made ages ago. As a kid I truly never imagined how dismal and pathetic I would be and am deeply sorry for it to myself and everyone else I was a nuisance to.
Diagnosis:
Generalized anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, BDD, generalized eating disorder
They could be a little strict sometimes. Particularly my father, with grades, and I did get in relative trouble for getting anything below a C in class. However, I wasted most of my youth being depressed in an angry way. I was never satisfied, and there was always something bothering my since the age of 15.
Somehow I was both the bully and the one being made fun of. Picked on in middle school but not nice either. Signs put on my back for being too nerdy or just being pointed and laughed at by groups of other kids.
I could be mean to my friends due to my own discontentment and insecurities, and most people really did grow out of this type of behavior around high school. I challenged myself by running cross country in high school even though I didn't like it. I wasted 4 perfectly good years I could have spent studying and having friends and bonding doing running for hours after school in the blazing heat. Sometimes I almost threw up.
My parents were conservative and my dad, who was loving towards me, often made very rude remarks about other people which I took to heart instead of just believing my friends who were obviously right about these topics. My dad was fatphobic and I became anorexic, either due to him or because at the time there was a lot of fatphobic messaging on TV.
I spent my college years being stupidly depressed due to BDD and my ex breaking up with me, instead of studying and enjoying those years, and then started aging very rapidly around age 21 after drinking 2 energy drinks a day and letting my weight get down to a 15 bmi along with a junk food diet and being sad
I was placed outpatient at an eating disorder clinic where I gained weight and was medicated but my skin never really bounced back after that. I spent a long time just doing nothing, working from home, etc.
I discovered I was queer later but it didn't really matter. I finally I understood the correct way of thinking, but I had to be told. I started off as kind of a weird and angry child and I don't know why either. I remember being angry that someone stole my spot in preschool, that someone ate my goldfish crackers, that someone beat me at a video game. I hated people being better than me and almost everyone was better than me.
I spent too long pretending I was better than other people when I wasn't and I wasted my life and my youth and what were supposed to be good times being pissed off about insanely stupid things that didn't matter.
I grew out of it too late. I try to spread positivity now but I can't look past what I ruined for myself. I look old before my time and my skin is a wreck and I don't have a career. You have to be trying to look as bad as me. People here are so incredibly kind and gentle and I admire them all so much and feel badly that they were abused or hurt and that something like that is driving them to ctb. You are the ones I wished I had listened to before it was too late.
I was always trying to be tough because I knew people saw me as weak. It made me feel bad, I wanted to be as good as everyone else but the way to be good was by putting the effort in...not by trying to be tough. I am not tough.
I have been trying to be better for around 10 years now and when I began feeling suicidal was the moment I realized that I truly wanted to understand the meaning of life which is to give and receive love. Most people are born with that knowledge. I unveiled my lesson when I learned that purpose and I am living my remaining days slow to anger and very very emotional and hopefully understanding.
I failed something very fundamental and human. Other people were volunteering in high school and preparing for their futures while I was stuck being an eternal child for no reason. I feel like below garbage. A worm that couldn't pass an essential test. There are worse people than me who didn't ruin their life like this.
My parents would still do anything for me and I have a loving partner but what I gave up is just too much. I failed too hard. My behavior too abnormal and twisted and repulsive. Most people at least care about the way they look and don't ruin it the second they become a young adult. Most people are mature by college. I hit every correct button to make myself truly, utterly, miserable. I had almost reached my childhood dream when I had the breakdown but I truly don't even care about that anymore either.
The other day a client told me he had cancer and was learning self care and positivity and that I should concentrate on myself when I couldn't complete a project for him out of depression. He offered to chat. The beauty of humanity is that there are so many good people out there who just want the best for everyone out of instinct.
I feel I was broken from the start. Some of my first memories are of being mean or angry. I don't even understand why, my parents aren't like that. They don't anger easily. I wish I had been normal, was it because my mom fell while pregnant with me? Was it because I fell out the window of my house as a toddler and got a huge bump on my head? I was only ever hit once or twice. I don't believe in hitting but maybe I should have been hit more. Maybe I should have been the exception.
And of course my last impulse is to ctb and leave people behind who care about me, I literally just do not feel like a human. I do not fathom how a human can fall and fail as hard as me. Literally nothing that a normal human does, even in self preservation, did I do. When I say "why me", I am really asking why I couldn't do a single thing correctly.
So of course my ego is important to me and my childhood memories are meaningful. Someone like that, who had been so useless, cornering themselves into ctb and who clearly deserves to do so, of course cares deeply and passionately about my own life or bullshit memories.
I couldn't save myself when everyone else did and I'm done. Im tired of being haunted, flashing memories and images, constantly trying to pull back decisions that I made ages ago. As a kid I truly never imagined how dismal and pathetic I would be and am deeply sorry for it to myself and everyone else I was a nuisance to.
Diagnosis:
Generalized anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, BDD, generalized eating disorder
Last edited:
Had therapy last night and felt good talking to someone. I was referred to some other specialists as well. I felt a little better after the therapy but now I honestly feel terrible again. It seems like therapy is just temporary gratification for my problems. I'm supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist, a nutritionist, and am endocrinologist. I will follow up but as you can see I'm still here.
My partner had his 4th dream about our recently deceased cat. It makes me happy to know he can access such visions.
My partner had his 4th dream about our recently deceased cat. It makes me happy to know he can access such visions.
When I go to bed at night, I feel great. I can only imagine this is because I'm falling asleep and losing consciousness. If I could go like that and just die while I was sleeping it would be amazing. One always imagines death like sleeping, so what I wish is to treasure the idea of death the same way I treasure the idea of going to sleep permanently. I want to feel it as peacefulness and bliss. I hate the idea of how scary it is and everything that will haunt me as I do it.
I have the psych appointment tonight ! I have already tried Zoloft, luvox, and a few others.
Every SSRI gives me insomnia and recently luvox made me more suicidal.
Therefore I hope I will be prescribed Benzos. I highly doubt I will be but I am going to try my best.
Every SSRI gives me insomnia and recently luvox made me more suicidal.
Therefore I hope I will be prescribed Benzos. I highly doubt I will be but I am going to try my best.
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