ever so lonely
terry joseph williams
- Apr 17, 2022
- 282
what baffles me about life is no matter how much shit you take and yet keep enduring, suffering endlessly, once you have your method mapped out, have the method in hand, know how to go about it, then the dreaded si kicks in, and is relentless, and your mind becomes a battle field of i want to die, but some part of me somewhere doesnt, i hate the fact our minds are capable of tricking us into believing things can improve, when some of us know damn well sure they wont, or at least we can hazard a good guess to that estimate, we know deep down they wont, i love the fact this place exists, because without it, and being able to vent i would go insane, and be thrown in the looney bin, i am sure of that, honestly i feel i WILL go through with it eventually, and like many here i have nothing to live for absolutely nada, i am sure those already gone went through these same trials and tribulations till they themselves too suceeded, maybe many attempts and many failures and then bam, just like that, gone, my life is endless misery and torture of the mind, i waited so long to get a reliable method, joined this site, to engage with likeminded non judgmental people, have a platform to exchange dialogue beforehand, looked into the method, the dos snd donts etc, and yet the si everybody refers to here then kicks in, and very intense too, our biological instinct to preserve itself at whatever cost, it sucks man, truly, when i tried with paracetamol there was no such si tho ?, just the knowledge that this is it, i will be among my brothers and sisters who also opted out, another statistic, of suicide, but i dont know why then that with a far more feasible method in place i should suddenly falter, be slightly unsure of myself, and my intentions, with a more reliable method at my disposal too, the whole things sucks, and is exhausting, to no end, why should the si kick in, what does it even achieve, why must our minds torture us to despair, and then when we get close to ending it then try to convince us maybe shit could improve, try to play us in that manner, like why must our minds keep us entrapped and then kid us of the fact that maybe we can have hope for the future ?, i feel our minds are just a great big mind fuck, that constantly plays tricks on us, thank you guys and gals for being understanding, and empathetic i cant say i experience this anywhere else, other than here, it seems if you aint like us and open to the idea of suicide your a judgmental fuck tard, who has schaudenfraude and enjoys seeing others down, you see this everywhere with suicidal people, either not taken seriously, or just ignored altogether, till they do it of course, i never got this vibe here, maybe because we are experiencing endless suffering in an endless cycle or loop, we are too exhausted to be judgmental here, for the most part, i so want to die tho, at my core, merely to not suffer anymore, maybe that will never change, the urge to kill myself, till the day i do go through with it, again, si is real, i dont care what it takes to get me over that threshold, whether rage or anger to get me over that poxy line, of suicide, i do intend to snuff myself out, just DOING it tho isnt as simple as they make out it is, if it were i guess none of us would be here posting about it i guess, including me, and those that have already gone through with it are no longer alive to post about it, it requires so much effort, and then the fear of it going wrong somehow kicks in, the what ifs, what if somebody discovers me in my death throes etc, and runs for medical intervention, what if, what if, what if, what if, thank god for this place, and to si i hate you, you ungodly turd, it is horrid we have to battle our minds to overcome si, horrible.
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