Venting Can't take it anymore

[fillthevoid]

I'm so tired of getting my hopes up. It is always there in the back of my mind that things will ultimately return to be the same way or worse. And I'm ALWAYS correct. I live in constant fear of returning to the place I am at right now, having to get my head around CTB. Days of non-stop crying, grieving over my lost future, only to finally be ok with my choice, but then something else happening and allowing myself to be 'convinced' that I should carry on and that things can be ok. I'm fucking tired of the constant living this way in cycles.

I feel as though my day may be getting extremely close though as I really have no threshold left anymore. Maybe even in the next day or two, although my SI is still rediculous unfortunately. The tiniest things are making me want to give up on life, I'm clinging onto life so weakly. But it's still so painful to have to go through this whole process each time and mentally break down to nothing. I feel like a yoyo and it is exhausting and I've nothing left. It's 3-4 times a week the past few weeks that this is happening.

I simply don't want to live like it anymore. I'm a shitty person for doing it to my family. But I'm tired, so tired. I want to go.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that having hope often just leads to more suffering, which is why I am glad that I personally have none. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired. I am also very tired, the kind of tired that no amount of sleep could ever take away. This life really is very sad. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Marguerite492]

I'm so tired of getting my hopes up. It is always there in the back of my mind that things will ultimately return to be the same way or worse. And I'm ALWAYS correct. I live in constant fear of returning to the place I am at right now, having to get my head around CTB. Days of non-stop crying, grieving over my lost future, only to finally be ok with my choice, but then something else happening and allowing myself to be 'convinced' that I should carry on and that things can be ok. I'm fucking tired of the constant living this way in cycles.

I feel as though my day may be getting extremely close though as I really have no threshold left anymore. Maybe even in the next day or two, although my SI is still rediculous unfortunately. The tiniest things are making me want to give up on life, I'm clinging onto life so weakly. But it's still so painful to have to go through this whole process each time and mentally break down to nothing. I feel like a yoyo and it is exhausting and I've nothing left. It's 3-4 times a week the past few weeks that this is happening.

I simply don't want to live like it anymore. I'm a shitty person for doing it to my family. But I'm tired, so tired. I want to go.

I feel the same way. No matter how hard you try, you'll get right back to where you started. I'm exhausted. I get so excited over something new and tell all my friends and family, and then it fails and not only do i have to deal with that failure, i have to tell them I failed once again too. And I just can't do that anymore. I'm so sorry, I feel your pain.... I hope you find peace

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I'm sorry. I don't know the exact reason for how you feel so I cannot attempt to give advice, but I hope you get peace from whatever you decide.