There is a constant aching inside of me. Most of the time I just try to set it aside, but other times it feels overwhelming and impossible to do so. I know I am a broken person even through the smiles. Now I barely have the energy to fake it anymore, im tired, over it all, I'm short with people, unhappy overall. I can't help but wonder why I am alive but never feel like I'm living. I'm constantly dissociative and seeing flashes of myself in different scenarios. I once did things to make myself feel proud and good and make others feel good but I continue to ache. Nobody cares if you do nice things for them. They care about themselves. Every. morning.. I wish I hadn't woken up.. sometimes wondering if I even truly DID because I am wondering always if I'm even real. My panic attacks lead me to believe an attempt was successful and I'm trapped in my own hell. I feel like maybe I'm truly already dead. Spending time w my gf leaves me feeling weak and achy like all my happiness is so out of reach. I feel like I'm just a shell with no passion, no drive, no goals and absolutely no will anymore. But In all honesty, Ive found I have no desire for any of those things anyway. I just want relief from feeling like I'm weighing down everyone in my life and using everyone I know. I want relief that I'm not what everyone expects me to be. I want relief knowing that any temporary strength I do find is always smashed down in front of me, immediately reminded living in dream world and fantasies are just that. I feel I have nothing to give.. most of my promises are unintentionally empty, and no one ever expects me to follow through with any of my commitments or responsibilities because I've never given anyone a reason to be confident in who I am as a person. I don't work, can't handle the anxiety or people, I barely drive, ptsd from an accident as a child and I never took the time to practice more. I am a genuine waste of space. I can promise myself to try to be thankful and happy. Be happy for what I do have. But I've spent years convincing myself and defending bullshit. Now my strength only goes so far. It's not enough for me. I simply no longer want to do the things that most people cherish. I am sad, I am tired. I try, I tried. I can't live this life anymore... stuck in this cycle of trying to convince myself I'm someone I'm not. There's no out. I can not take this constant cycle of letting people down. I can not take the cycle of knowing no matter what I say, I am stuck where I am. I am not strong enough to get out or support me and I can't take getting little out opportunities, just to have to go back to what is supposed to be my normal. I can't just convince myself I'm not aching horribly. just let me out. Please someone just make it stop. I want to go so bad.
just a really long vent cry. I just had to write it somewhere. Nobody else will listen. Nobody cares. just words.
just a really long vent cry. I just had to write it somewhere. Nobody else will listen. Nobody cares. just words.
