Can't take it anymore

[heylightiforgot]

I can't take it anymore. I'm becoming so agitated and unstable. I need to attempt and get it over with but really don't want to fuck it up.

 

[JimFord99]

Do you have a plan and a preferred method? If so it won't end in a fuck up. Why are you unstable if I may ask?

 

[heylightiforgot]

Do you have a plan and a preferred method? If so it won't end in a fuck up. Why are you unstable if I may ask?

My situation is so difficult/complicated. I have a severe chronic illness and live with my (abusive) family. They're always around and the house is small, so it's very difficult to fast or attempt; my mother even works from home. I think I'm becoming psychotic/agitated due to benzo withdrawal and steroid use (which I had to self-medicate with to help my illness after I became bedridden). I have akathisia, am agitated etc. and will completely run out of benzos in a couple of days.

The only time I'm 'calm' and can think straight is for like 4-5 hours after I fall asleep when the benzo is in action. The rest of the day I'm just bewildered and can barely put a plan together. All my planning, executive function etc. is fucked so I basically live in groundhog day and say I'll do it 'tomorrow' but never do.

My plan was to try and make it through the day and eat before bed, then go to sleep as normal. Have the anti-emetics next to my bed ready. I wake up like every 2 hours anyway so once about 6 hours has passed since I ate, I can take the AE's, wait an hour, mix the SN and just do it.

Problem is my mom will be working at home, as I say. She's used to me playing white noise when I sleep, but that might not completely mask the sound of vomiting etc.

If I don't do it, at this rate I'm going to end up in a psych ward, which I would never survive due to my health. So I guess in theory even if the SN fails, I have nothing to lose (aside from my family disowning me) since I'm on my way to the loony bin anyway.

 

[Fragile]

i can relate to so much of what you are strugling with, benzo withdrawal is pure hell. sorry that you are suffering so much

the only advise i can give you is to keep your mind occupied, as much as possible, that way you will have a clearer state of mind and find the perfect moment, being phisicaly ill and on a psychiatric ward because of a failed attempt is beyond torture and that can completely break anyone, even more than you already are.

the perfect moment will come, it is just a matter of patience and i know how hard it is to find peace with a chronic illnesses and addiction issues. but in my mind, it is way better to endure the pain a bit longer than to end un locked up and then on constant surveillance, if that happens you will have to wait years before an opportunity shows up ever again.

split your benzos in half and never take your mind out of a book, series, movies or even videogames, distractions really help to find patience and look at the very least mentally stable to the ones around you, the least preocupied your family gets about you, the more opportunities you will find.

good luck!

 

[heylightiforgot]

i can relate to so much of what you are strugling with, benzo withdrawal is pure hell. sorry that you are suffering so much

the only advise i can give you is to keep your mind occupied, as much as possible, that way you will have a clearer state of mind and find the perfect moment, being phisicaly ill and on a psychiatric ward because of a failed attempt is beyond torture and that can completely break anyone, even more than you already are.

the perfect moment will come, it is just a matter of patience and i know how hard it is to find peace with a chronic illnesses and addiction issues. but in my mind, it is way better to endure the pain a bit longer than to end un locked up and then on constant surveillance, if that happens you will have to wait years before an opportunity shows up ever again.

split your benzos in half and never take your mind out of a book, series, movies or even videogames, distractions really help to find patience and look at the very least mentally stable to the ones around you, the least preocupied your family gets about you, the more opportunities you will find.

good luck!

I can't watch TV, read, or do anything. I spend hours on end lying in the dark, completely agitated and restless. It's torture. The akathisia is a nightmare, and makes 'planning' or looking for a good moment impossible. I've already been in the ward because of an OD and it was awful, so I'm aware of the risks, but at the way I'm mentally deteriorating, I'm going to very soon end up in a ward anyway.

 

[JimFord99]

That is bad, sorry, really,

 

[heylightiforgot]

That is bad, sorry, really,

Any advice lol?

 

[Nem]

I can't watch TV, read, or do anything. I spend hours on end lying in the dark, completely agitated and restless. It's torture. The akathisia is a nightmare, and makes 'planning' or looking for a good moment impossible. I've already been in the ward because of an OD and it was awful, so I'm aware of the risks, but at the way I'm mentally deteriorating, I'm going to very soon end up in a ward anyway.

I completely understand this as I am the same, I can't play games or watch tv either. This is hell and I wish I can say there's a solution but from my experience there isn't one.
peace/hugs

 

[JimFord99]

Ohhh, I wish I could, honestly, I would. I do not know what to say about your situation. Damn, only thing is chatting to you.

 

[mathieu]

Can you seek medical help for the benzo withdrawal etc? It's not something you should just tough out.

 

[Kringle's Curse]

 

[SuicideBlonde76]

I can't watch TV, read, or do anything. I spend hours on end lying in the dark, completely agitated and restless. It's torture. The akathisia is a nightmare, and makes 'planning' or looking for a good moment impossible. I've already been in the ward because of an OD and it was awful, so I'm aware of the risks, but at the way I'm mentally deteriorating, I'm going to very soon end up in a ward anyway.

Can I ask why you can't watch TV? I am just curious bcuz ALL I do is watch TV & I would go insane if I couldn't do it. It helps to keep me from thinking of my own horrible life all the time.