Venting Can't sleep, having doubts about CTB

[avaruus]

It's 6.17AM where i'm in, i only slept from 0:30 to about 4:15, and when i woke and couldn't sleep again, i'm not sure how good sleep it even actually was since i took 1mg of alprazolam before sleep to make me tired since i wasn't tired at all.

I tried to go get food from nearby mcdonalds which is usually 24/7 open, but they were closed right now for some reason.
And now i'm writing this, i for sure can't catch a sleep again. I'm super hungry and i have nothing to eat for the next 6 hours atleast.

Among all this, i somehow became very anxious and doubtful of my CTB, maybe it's just the rebound anxiety from alprazolam combined with the lack of sleep and hunger.

And seeing my parents the day before yesterday, which i made a thread of:

Fuck, just saw my parents last time

It's 8:30AM where i am, i haven't slept all night... at 3am i took 130ug lsd blotter and 300mg of pregabalin and started just walking into the night, maybe i was just wanting to find a final reason to live or something, i don't know why i left to just walk around into the night. But then at...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Seeing my parents might have fucked everything, they we're so relived and happy to see me. And it made me happy also, i cried the whole way home. I'm not sure if i actually want to go, but still... i'm in deep financial shit, as i didn't pay my rent this month, i didn't sent my welfare application for the next month (and it would get rejected anyways).
And my life would is still be the same shit, ridden with heavy social anxiety, depression, lack of friends, love and purpose.

I wish i could just crawl back into my mothers womb.

My SN should be arriving within the next week and planned to immediately CTB the next day i get it. I have already prepared many physical notes, and many .txt files of explaining my reasons and thoughts, compailed a list of over a 100 songs, told them so many Anime and Manga recommendations that i enjoyed.
I have even already deleted most of the pictures and videos from my phone and computer (which, as sad as it sounds, are my whole life and had so many memories).

I'm pretty much in point of no return, so i'm sad that i feel like i'm forced to CTB. I wish I could have left of my own accord.

 

[letmejoindeath]

It's 6.17AM where i'm in, i only slept from 0:30 to about 4:15, and when i woke and couldn't sleep again, i'm not sure how good sleep it even actually was since i took 1mg of alprazolam before sleep to make me tired since i wasn't tired at all.

I tried to go get food from nearby mcdonalds which is usually 24/7 open, but they were closed right now for some reason.
And now i'm writing this, i for sure can't catch a sleep again. I'm super hungry and i have nothing to eat for the next 6 hours atleast.

Among all this, i somehow became very anxious and doubtful of my CTB, maybe it's just the rebound anxiety from alprazolam combined with the lack of sleep and hunger.

And seeing my parents yesterday, which i made a thread of:

Fuck, just saw my parents last time

It's 8:30AM where i am, i haven't slept all night... at 3am i took 130ug lsd blotter and 300mg of pregabalin and started just walking into the night, maybe i was just wanting to find a final reason to live or something, i don't know why i left to just walk around into the night. But then at...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Seeing my parents might have fucked everything, they we're so relived and happy to see me. And it made me happy also, i cried the whole way home. I'm not sure if i actually want to go, but still... i'm in deep financial shit, as i didn't pay my rent this month, i didn't sent my welfare application for the next month (and it would get rejected anyways).
And my life would is still be the same shit, ridden with heavy social anxiety, depression, lack of friends, love and purpose.

I wish i could just crawl back into my mothers womb.

My SN should be arriving within the next week and planned to immediately CTB the next day i get it. I have already prepared many notes, many txt files of explaining my reasons and thoughts, compailed a list of of over a 100 songs, told them so many Anime and Manga recommendations that i enjoyed.
I have even already deleted most of the pictures and videos from my phone and computer (which, as sad as it sounds, are my whole life and had so many memories).

I'm pretty much in point of no return, so i'm sad that i feel like i'm forced to CTB. I wish I could have left of my own accord.

If you're having doubts or feel like things could get better then you shouldn't do it. It sounds like you have people who love you.

Maybe all these drugs are altering your mood without you realizing it.

Have you tried staying sober for your mind to go back to homeostasis? Don't give up if you can still turn your life around

 

[Liminal1]

Sounds like your going through alot, but also sounds like you found your reason to live. If you cant decide what to do than dont do it. It may suck right now but maybe things will get better for you in time

 

[avaruus]

If you're having doubts or feel like things could get better then you shouldn't do it. It sounds like you have people who love you.

Maybe all these drugs are altering your mood without you realizing it.

Have you tried staying sober for your mind to go back to homeostasis? Don't give up if you can still turn your life around

Sounds like your going through alot, but also sounds like you found your reason to live. If you cant decide what to do than dont do it. It may suck right now but maybe things will get better for you in time

I appreciate your advices, but i've been suicidal for years now. These drugs are just me "YOLO":ing in the last couple of months.

I do have two loving and supporting parents. but i'm just such a loser. I have only completed middle school, i'm extremely insecure, anxious and depressed beyond repair.

I cannot ever work a 9 to 5. I will never ever find love. And still, i don't know if my love for my parents, and the love of my parents are a good enough reason for me to live.

Like i said, I wish i could just crawl back into my mothers womb.... But i can't, i'm an adult, 20 years old.

They aren't going to be here forever and they cannot fix my problems.

Only i could, and the problem is... i cannot fucking do that, i'm shit.

But thank you for feedback <3

 

[F&Inside]

Hello avaruus.
I think that having parents who love and support you is a great advantage, consider yourself lucky in that aspect that can be decisive, if you have doubts you can always count on their help while they are with you, sure they will support you if you decide to resume your studies or whatever.

 

[avaruus]

Hello avaruus.
I think that having parents who love and support you is a great advantage, consider yourself lucky in that aspect that can be decisive, if you have doubts you can always count on their help while they are with you, sure they will support you if you decide to resume your studies or whatever.

Yes, i know i'm extremely priviledged in that sense. Especially because both of my parents 'broke the chain' or how ever that saying goes. My mothers mother never told my mother that she loved her, and her father was an alcoholic and extremely cold and distant.

My father had a really though childhood also. Similar stuff, his mother tried to CTB when he was young, apparently related someway to my fathers father.

So it sucks to waist their effort, they always supported me and were very loving, never physical abuse or actually anykind of abuse at all.

Atleast my two sisters are doing really good.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through such rough situation. Even though life and the personal situation may seems so hopeless and pointless it's still so difficult to overcome SI and CTB isn't easy at all. A human body can endure so much more physical and mental pain what we would never expect. This makes it so much more difficult among other things.

As u mention financial shit ( I can relate to it in some ways) does you country have laws how to file personal bunkruptcy? Well the question is whether you want to go through that or not same with depending on welfare. It simply depends if you want to go on living like that and how much hope you have for your life to change.

I really don't want to sound like a pro-lifer but I'm more than double your age and I have given up (more or less) after having a good life, you'd had sth ahead of you. But it's your personal decision in any case.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace.