I remember a session of a group therapy. One of the patients also struggled a lot with deep self hate. When the psychologist said that every feeling/ emotion is there for a reason she got a bit sarcastic. But then he explained:
Self hate is there as a protection strategy for yourself, you probably developed as a kid, in your young age. If you hate yourself, more than anyone else can do - you can never get hated by someone else.
I don't know if you can understand that or if it makes sense to you. Self hate is one of the most destructive and deepest feelings there is and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
When I was hospitalized at 12, I remember walking into this "group therapy" crap, and the woman asked why I was, like what is my problem I deal with. I didn't know what to say. You didn't hear about depression/anxiety then. I just said, "Self-hatred." and sat down. A lot of the girls looked confused, because they didn't know what that meant, and an older one said, "She hates herself."
If someone told me that every feeling, including the self- hatred, was there for a reason, back then I would've been polite. Now I'd give a sarcastic response... like the previous dude said, no one has advice for this. I guess it'll never go away fully for most. However maybe if they can find a solid group of supportive friends/family, and an active whatever sort of life, you'll be less alone with it. Therefore you'll focus on it less and it will have less of an impact and not define you in the eyes of yourself, and how you perceive others seeing you. That's about all I got. Obviously I never found the secret. Even if we hadn't made whatever mistakes, we'd still find another reason to be dissatisfied with ourselves and confirm why we failed as people, essentially why we still hate ourselves.
"Life sucks! Get it?!?! HAHAHA
!!!" (sarcasm)
I would definitely love myself far more if I had a romantic partner.
The way I end up viewing things is that if no one ever wants me, then therefore I'm worthless.
I know this isn't true, but I want to share my life with someone and experience love. Therefore any constant rejection means I am effectively worthless in the sense that no one ever sees, notices or accepts me as someone they want to be with.
But you can't base your opinion of yourself based upon a romantic interest's love. That'll lead to co-dependency and like end up just always finding toxic, tumultuous, and abusive relationships. If you're not okay on your own, it's not wise to be with someone else.
Some are going to be essentially single the rest of their lives... Does that mean they're unlovable? Unworthy? No...
First off, in the spirit of honest disclosure, I'm a dispicable fellow, actually deserving of scorn (or worse) for the shit I've done over the decades.
That being said, I am currently working on the spiritual principle of forgiveness. I am slowly coming to realize that I am simply human, with the ability to completely fuck things up on a regular basis. Just like every other person on the planet. Self-forgiveness is a far-off target; where I'm at is trying to give myself the grace that I offer other people.
The only reason I am actively pursuing this path is to clean up my side of the street as best as possible before I CTB. So, my two cents is, if you want some relief, study up on the principles of forgiveness and grace. Oh, and it's fucking DIFFICULT, so be prepared to feel some discomfort as you boil yourself emotionally raw in the task. At least, thats been my experience with it.
*Boil yourself emotionally raw*
Even though I scrub my skin off in showers, burn my hands when I wash them, I still find that funny.
I have huge difficulties with negative self talk, so I relate to this a lot.
Something that's been helpful for me is the lens of Internal Family Systems, which is a parts work modality. In that modality one can see that the part that is highly self critical is working to protect and manage the system. It's trying to help. It also gives space for the part that is hurt by this harsh method, often a wounded child part.
I haven't been very successful in quieting the loud and harsh part, but I find I've been able to develop nurturing parts that can reassure the sensitive parts that are hurt by it that they're just trying to help.
I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's been helpful for me.
An IFS diagram, 'cause I love infographics:
View attachment 141621
I remember in school as a kid, maybe a counselor, saw me reading a book on family alcoholism, and he printed out a sheet with a cartoon drawing of a family, and it had descriptions on the characters of the family, and he circled one that said "scapegoat" and told me to read on that part in particular. Strange.
