Starfire
just here to vent
- Nov 3, 2020
- 34
I was raised in a household that uses physical and emotional abuse as a discipline. Apparently, it's how they show "love."
I have been in a physically, verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive.. "relationship"?- Well, it depends on how you define relationship. Technically it is a deep connection between two or more people so ye, that's that.
I abuse myself- idk why honestly, probably because that's the kind of treatment I grew up receiving. I abuse alcohol, I physically hurt myself, and I endure people's unfair treatment of me.
People abuse my kindness. Yeah, I rarely admit that I'm kind. I honestly never do. But fuck it. Thinking about it, I really am too kind. I feel too much. I sympathize too much. I have been treated so terribly that I don't want others to feel any way close to how I felt.. to how I'm feeling. And it makes me so mad that my unfortunate experiences have to dictate the way I SHOULD treat people just because I know how awful it is. And I'm even more mad because I'm feeling that it's really unfair that I have to be very understanding and considerate of other people who honestly doesn't give an ounce of care to how I'm feeling.
But I guess that's just the way it goes.
All my confidence and basic self-love have been stripped from me already and I hate that I feel like I deserve it. There's a constant battle in my head whether I should fight for myself or continue to allow those things to happen.
I was never used to being treated so kindly that each time someone tries to, I am very suspicious of the intent behind it. I suppose my friends mean well but honestly, I never believed them. And if I did, it's only a matter of time before I doubt their entire action. I guess I only thank and appreciate the gesture because it's the standard response?
Receiving genuine love is a strange feeling to me and I think I lack of the ability to process the feeling. It doesn't give me joy but rather, more fear and doubt. I wish it didn't. But I honestly have zero control of it.
I act normally- a response I have learned to master overtime. It works. At this point I don't think anyone would ever be suspicious of how truly repulsive I am on their "kindness".
Disgusting.
I have been in a physically, verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive.. "relationship"?- Well, it depends on how you define relationship. Technically it is a deep connection between two or more people so ye, that's that.
I abuse myself- idk why honestly, probably because that's the kind of treatment I grew up receiving. I abuse alcohol, I physically hurt myself, and I endure people's unfair treatment of me.
People abuse my kindness. Yeah, I rarely admit that I'm kind. I honestly never do. But fuck it. Thinking about it, I really am too kind. I feel too much. I sympathize too much. I have been treated so terribly that I don't want others to feel any way close to how I felt.. to how I'm feeling. And it makes me so mad that my unfortunate experiences have to dictate the way I SHOULD treat people just because I know how awful it is. And I'm even more mad because I'm feeling that it's really unfair that I have to be very understanding and considerate of other people who honestly doesn't give an ounce of care to how I'm feeling.
But I guess that's just the way it goes.
All my confidence and basic self-love have been stripped from me already and I hate that I feel like I deserve it. There's a constant battle in my head whether I should fight for myself or continue to allow those things to happen.
I was never used to being treated so kindly that each time someone tries to, I am very suspicious of the intent behind it. I suppose my friends mean well but honestly, I never believed them. And if I did, it's only a matter of time before I doubt their entire action. I guess I only thank and appreciate the gesture because it's the standard response?
Receiving genuine love is a strange feeling to me and I think I lack of the ability to process the feeling. It doesn't give me joy but rather, more fear and doubt. I wish it didn't. But I honestly have zero control of it.
I act normally- a response I have learned to master overtime. It works. At this point I don't think anyone would ever be suspicious of how truly repulsive I am on their "kindness".
Disgusting.