Can't process a talk with my mother

[Zirp]

Normally I would be much more thorough, giving background information and so on. There is a lot I left out. But I'm just too tired at the moment. I hope you guys can forgive me.
I have been distancing myself from my family in the last few months; in parts to protect them from my suffering and in parts to protect myself from seeing them suffer because of me.
A while ago I tried to open up to my mother about my "continuing diminishing will to live". She blocked the conversation by telling me, that this is topic was too much for her. Although I respect her setting boundaries , I couldn't help but feel rejected, forsaken. This is just a brief example to give a feel about my current relationship with my family.

Today my mother guilt tripped me into telling her about my real feelings and mental health situation.
She then said, that she would end herself as well, if I decided to CTB. And that my action would destroy the whole family. She says, she wants to help me and will come for a visit tomorrow.
I don't know how to process this. Of course I understand, that such a decision on my part would have consequences for my surroundings. This guilt is partially what has been holding me back. I also believe her, when she says that she wants to help me. But on the other hand I really hate what my mother said. I feel angry, guilty and not understood. Now that I re-read this paragraph, I have been feeling these three emotions a lot recently.

Any thoughts?

 

[bluebus]

I just posted something about my mother as well. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. What you're going through sounds really awful. I can't believe your mother would do that when you are trying to open up to her, although I can relate to that. I also can relate to your mother guilt tripping/ manipulating you. It's a terrible thing that she would do that to you, especially at a time when you are most vulnerable and in pain, but again I can relate. The guilt of doing this to my parents is also what has held me back. But sometimes you have to be a little selfish I realized. I really hope that your mother is not serious about her idea to ctb. I have a feeling my mom might ctb, or try to, after I do it. I hate to think about that, but I can't keep living my life based on her feelings/ attitudes. She will make that decision herself and while I hope she doesn't, I can't stay here any longer. I hope that your mother is serious about helping you and that you guys can figure this out. It sucks that you have to suffer like this and deal with so much pain. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find the peace that you deserve. Best of luck, bb

 

[Zirp]

Thank you very much for your response. It means a lot. I now read your post and I'm really sorry for your diagnosis, that you had to go through all this and that your mother didn't react with compassion.
Thanks also to the everyone who read and liked my post. I was surprised to see people actually caring about what's going on with me, that helped.
My mother has visited me today and we talked. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. She at least said, that her threat came from a place of emotional distress.