Venting Can’t (or won’t?) stop thinking about jumping

[commonloon]

I haven't been actively suicidal in months, but suddenly I'm finding myself fixating on the idea of jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. It's not usually tied to a specific desire to end things or any acute anguish, it's more of a looping set of mental images that I get trapped in. I can mostly pull myself out of them by distracting myself or talking to loved ones, but sometimes all I want to do is sink deeper into them. It feels fucked up that I would want to choose the fantasy of killing myself over living my life or being present for others I care about—and even more so when I'm not even particularly suffering and can't justify the urge to call it quits. But sometimes I do indulge in the fantasy, and it feels even more satisfying knowing how fucked-up and unnecessary it is… how fucked up and undeserving I am. It's almost like masturbating, where the shame makes the fantasy/urge increasingly more alluring and grotesquely detailed, and of course more shameful. In the past I've gotten like this with self-harm too, and even delved into some kink stuff as a way to process it—not really in healthy ways. I think I am just trying to feel something.

I don't really want to jump but god fucking damn it I want to jump. And I've decided(?) I'm going to keep thinking about it until I go to sleep.

If anyone has similar experiences or insights into this I'd be happy to hear them.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think what you're describing is reasonably common. Not truly suicidal as such but have intrusive suicidal thoughts or urges, almost like OCD. Do you have any history of dealing with OCD or just thoughts of an intrusive nature? Remember that you have ultimate control over it and you never have to do anything you don't really want to do (well, as far as suicide is concerned).

 

[commonloon]

I think what you're describing is reasonably common. Not truly suicidal as such but have intrusive suicidal thoughts or urges, almost like OCD. Do you have any history of dealing with OCD or just thoughts of an intrusive nature? Remember that you have ultimate control over it and you never have to do anything you don't really want to do (well, as far as suicide is concerned).

I think what you're describing is reasonably common. Not truly suicidal as such but have intrusive suicidal thoughts or urges, almost like OCD. Do you have any history of dealing with OCD or just thoughts of an intrusive nature? Remember that you have ultimate control over it and you never have to do anything you don't really want to do (well, as far as suicide is concerned).

Thank you for your compassion. I don't have OCD or other types of intrusive thoughts really, just with this. I have talked with a therapist about it but haven't found a fix yet.

I think it's because I've been so depressed for so long that when I do manage to pull myself up out of the muck a little, my brain kind of wants me to fail and fall back into what is familiar. So when I don't have any conscious depressed thoughts to snare me back into that state, the self-sabotaging part of my brain dredges up these triggering mental images to eventually bring up the old thoughts/urges that I wouldn't have otherwise. Just a theory.

 

[thisiswhoiam-]

i once had a day where i felt a strong desire to jump out of my balcony. it was like i was getting dragged and i had to hold myself in the bed to stop myself from trying it. i dunno, maybe its some kind of anxiety/depression attack or a mental breakdown symptom. a weird feeling certainly.