Discussion Can't open up the right way to therapists

[hoppybunny]

so i do want to get better and I want to improve but honestly I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just impatient and want to be better immediately and have my shit together but anytime i want to try i just feel like it's all pointless and I want to die. In the moment I can feel a strong desire to just die and leave everything behind even though my life is honestly not that bad. I just have no interest in continuing it. But the moment I want to talk to a therapist suddenly I'm perfectly fine and have goals and ambitions. I also never fully open up to them because I'm scared they'll try and lock me up. Like i have no issue online saying i have no interest in being alive but the moment I'm in therapy I just can't bring the words out. Instead I mention all my other issues, like impatience with trying new things. Saddness, lack of self confidence etc.

I just don't know what to do. Like I want to be better, I want to like myself, I want to look forward to the future. but the moment I decide to do that, I just think about all the effort and work it would take to fix me and I want to just end it all. I know it sounds lazy but I really don't get why I have to work so hard to like myself and be alive.


If anyone knows how I can adress this with my therapists please tell me.

 

[Felodese]

You could start small, like mentioning that sometimes life seems pointless or that sometimes you very little motivation to get better. That way you can see how they react, and maybe gradually open up more, if they react well. It might also be a good idea to frame it as something you really want to be free from, like it's more of an intrusive thought, than actively planing to ctb.

This might not be applicable to your situation, but my psychologist was pretty chill about it when I told him about wanting to ctb. One point he made is that I've been suicidal for a long time, and there's a big difference between being chronically suicidal and being acutely suicidal.
But it might be different where you are with legislation and rules about what therapist have to report

 

[dinosavr]

You can hand her a note or close your eyes and try to get it out of you. And definitely tell them that you feel like you're blocking. They'll know what to do.

 

[hoppybunny]

You could start small, like mentioning that sometimes life seems pointless or that sometimes you very little motivation to get better. That way you can see how they react, and maybe gradually open up more, if they react well. It might also be a good idea to frame it as something you really want to be free from, like it's more of an intrusive thought, than actively planing to ctb.

This might not be applicable to your situation, but my psychologist was pretty chill about it when I told him about wanting to ctb. One point he made is that I've been suicidal for a long time, and there's a big difference between being chronically suicidal and being acutely suicidal.
But it might be different where you are with legislation and rules about what therapist have to report

thank you! I think a major thing stoppin gme too is that I go to therapy through my school. And I have to drive an hour to get there and it's such a hasstle. But the alternative is doing it online and I live in a house of seven so that's not happening. i had a really good therapist vefore I switched schools but the school was actively makinng me worse so I had to move back home, she's the only therapist i was able to be open with but I didn't get to see any progress with her because of how bad my school situation was.

You can hand her a note or close your eyes and try to get it out of you. And definitely tell them that you feel like you're blocking. They'll know what to do.

I didn't know the term for this was blocking. Thanks for telling me. I'll try to talk about that when I try therapy again.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

When I have a difficult time opening g up to my therapist, I like to send an email the day before and say hey, could we talk about this during our next session?

It's much easier for me to broach the subject in an email because I know once I send it, I can't take it back (even though my therapist tells me we don't need to talk about it yet if I'm not ready). I think this post is basically perfect to send to him/her, assuming you trust them like I do mine. You bring up fear of being locked up, your tendency to feel better during therapy, masking your negative feelings, and that you do want to get better but do not know how. Those are three solid talking points!

 

[hoppybunny]

When I have a difficult time opening g up to my therapist, I like to send an email the day before and say hey, could we talk about this during our next session?

It's much easier for me to broach the subject in an email because I know once I send it, I can't take it back (even though my therapist tells me we don't need to talk about it yet if I'm not ready). I think this post is basically perfect to send to him/her, assuming you trust them like I do mine. You bring up fear of being locked up, your tendency to feel better during therapy, masking your negative feelings, and that you do want to get better but do not know how. Those are three solid talking points!

Thank you very much! I'll bring this up when i start therapy again.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

But the alternative is doing it online and I live in a house of seven so that's not happening.

I guess this depends on the weather reliability where you are and if you have much quiet countryside or space nearby. I often take my online therapy on my phone out either actively walking/wandering aimlessly on quiet paths or sat on a bench/at viewpoint/hidden behind a hedge/corner of a field. Just doesn't work if its wet or windy. Sometimes walking aimlessly turns into sat sulking at the side of the path for me, but the areas I go are off the main routes so rarely do I see others.

I am lucky though and I do have the 'indoor' option of a vehicle I can sit in if the weather is playing up and my housemates are at home.

Sounds like you have a good plan for your current situation though, good luck with the next session!

 

[hoppybunny]

I guess this depends on the weather reliability where you are and if you have much quiet countryside or space nearby. I often take my online therapy on my phone out either actively walking/wandering aimlessly on quiet paths or sat on a bench/at viewpoint/hidden behind a hedge/corner of a field. Just doesn't work if its wet or windy. Sometimes walking aimlessly turns into sat sulking at the side of the path for me, but the areas I go are off the main routes so rarely do I see others.

I am lucky though and I do have the 'indoor' option of a vehicle I can sit in if the weather is playing up and my housemates are at home.

Sounds like you have a good plan for your current situation though, good luck with the next session!

I've thought about doing it outside honestly but i've realized i'm like a really fragile houseplant or pet fish that dies the moment I am out of a perfect condition.

 

[Endless_suffering]

I understand. My head gets so scrambled tryna talk to my therapist he actually accused me of playing games with him on Tuesday. I'm not. But that's what he said. He said "I feel like you're playing games with me" direct quote. And now I just don't wanna go back and I wanna end it all because if I'm not allowed to be my disorganized and neurotic self in front of my therapist than fuck all yknow

 

[hoppybunny]

I understand. My head gets so scrambled tryna talk to my therapist he actually accused me of playing games with him on Tuesday. I'm not. But that's what he said. He said "I feel like you're playing games with me" direct quote. And now I just don't wanna go back and I wanna end it all because if I'm not allowed to be my disorganized and neurotic self in front of my therapist than fuck all yknow

your therapist is an asshole. there are good ones out there. Please stop seeing him and find a new one. I'm so sorry he behaved that way. being disorganized is normal and he was very unproffesional.

 

[Endless_suffering]

your therapist is an asshole. there are good ones out there. Please stop seeing him and find a new one. I'm so sorry he behaved that way. being disorganized is normal and he was very unproffesional.

Unfortunately I have Medicaid (government health care) and that leaves me slim pickings for therapists in my state but I'm going to ask for a different therapy when I go back. I have to ask the receptionist tho I don't wanna ask him he might try to put me back in the psych ward. He has four out of the last five times I've seen him

 

[hoppybunny]

Unfortunately I have Medicaid (government health care) and that leaves me slim pickings for therapists in my state but I'm going to ask for a different therapy when I go back. I have to ask the receptionist tho I don't wanna ask him he might try to put me back in the psych ward. He has four out of the last five times I've seen him

what the fuck. I'm so sorry. Please you are better off without him. They should not put you in there whithout your concent. Please try not talking to him anymore. The one thing worse than no therapist is a bad therapist.

 

[BojackHorseman]

Well first of all, awesome profile pic :)

But thank you for putting this in words so well, I feel so much the same way. I want help, I really do, but I have so many of the same fears. My main fear is obviously being locked up, and having it on my record to be used against me by the government and future doctors. I can talk about so many things rather easily, like my childhood abuse and relationship abuse and such, but I just cant find the words for my suicidal thoughts and feelings. They just wont come. I cant even talk to my husband about it and we talk about everything. I spend so many nights laying next to him in bed, just wanting to scream it out but no words come. Its the same with therapists. I don't like to be looked at or make eye contact, so I think that messes me up when I'm placed in a small room directly across from someone looking at me and writing on a clipboard. I feel much better about writing, but again I'm too afraid of there being undeniable proof of my suicidal thoughts that can be used to lock me up.

Thank you for making this thread and for everyone here who have contributed such good ideas.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I struggle with this too, and I realize the reason I struggle is because I was too worried about the feelings of others than my own. I knew saying the dark thoughts would hurt others so I would either not say them or say them but balance them with me (laughably looking back) the positive self talk they wanted to hear to make my fake thoughts less harsh. But the thing is, I said the self talk for them not me. I didn't believe a word of it.

I think it is definitely really hard to find someone that listens with no or minimal judgmental where you can be free with those thoughts. Maybe with a new therapist you can start off in the first couple sessions letting the therapist know upfront that you struggle to say what you're really feeling, and to be on the lookout for when you get performative during sessions. Then that person can be on the lookout for it and (hopefully) by sharing that with them they can create a safe space to share what you are really feeling.

 

[hoppybunny]

Well first of all, awesome profile pic :)

But thank you for putting this in words so well, I feel so much the same way. I want help, I really do, but I have so many of the same fears. My main fear is obviously being locked up, and having it on my record to be used against me by the government and future doctors. I can talk about so many things rather easily, like my childhood abuse and relationship abuse and such, but I just cant find the words for my suicidal thoughts and feelings. They just wont come. I cant even talk to my husband about it and we talk about everything. I spend so many nights laying next to him in bed, just wanting to scream it out but no words come. Its the same with therapists. I don't like to be looked at or make eye contact, so I think that messes me up when I'm placed in a small room directly across from someone looking at me and writing on a clipboard. I feel much better about writing, but again I'm too afraid of there being undeniable proof of my suicidal thoughts that can be used to lock me up.

Thank you for making this thread and for everyone here who have contributed such good ideas.

Thank you for the compliment. Katsuki is my favourite character of all time.

I'm glad this thread helped you and I'm sorry you have such a hard time sharing your thoughts. Especially with people you love. I have only told my sister how I actually feel and honestly it didn't help that much cause she got mad at me. But I understood it's because she cares.

Unless you're an active danger to yourself or others they won't lock you up. Just lie that you don't have a suicide plan and you should be fine. Also if you want to make sure there's no evidence you could write on paper and then ask for it back so they can't keep it as evidence.

I struggle with this too, and I realize the reason I struggle is because I was too worried about the feelings of others than my own. I knew saying the dark thoughts would hurt others so I would either not say them or say them but balance them with me (laughably looking back) the positive self talk they wanted to hear to make my fake thoughts less harsh. But the thing is, I said the self talk for them not me. I didn't believe a word of it.

I think it is definitely really hard to find someone that listens with no or minimal judgmental where you can be free with those thoughts. Maybe with a new therapist you can start off in the first couple sessions letting the therapist know upfront that you struggle to say what you're really feeling, and to be on the lookout for when you get performative during sessions. Then that person can be on the lookout for it and (hopefully) by sharing that with them they can create a safe space to share what you are really feeling.

Thank you so much for the advice. I'll probably start therapy again in 2 years since I'm pretty sure I won't off myself unless something really bad happens. I plan to move out by then so I'll be more free to leave whenever I want or have online sessions. But when I start I'll keep that in mind.


I get what you're saying about balancing out the bad talk with good talk. Honestly it does make me feel better but I'm sorry it's not helping you.


This may sound super cringy but hear me out. If you feel negative about yourself, that's completely valid but instead of lying maybe say something you actually like about yourself or the day.


Like for instance I personally think I look ugly cause I'm overweight and my skin tone is uneven and my feelings won't change till I lose weight and fix the skin thing so what I do is I acknowledge how I feel then i pick something about myself that I like. My eyes are what I usually pick. I like how the dark circles make me look emo. No makeup needed lol.

 

[aikou]

I feel you, I also want to get better immediately but I usually start doing things that people recommend me to do only to slowly stop doing them and going back to the slump I was in. But that aside, I have a psychologist (not sure how similar they are to therapists) and I also have a very hard time opening up to her, especially my suicidal thoughts and all the in depth shit I think about doing. What I suggest you do is you write an email or a note for the next session when you're feeling suicidal and just vent there with as much detail as possible and they'll most likely know how to approach your situation. I don't know where you live so I don't know how likely they are to hospitalize you but where I live it's very unlikely they'll put you in a ward for just feeling hopeless and suicidal unless you actually attempt several times and never show signs of recovery. Hope you manage to overcome this with my short advice!