GreyMonkey
Heartbroken
- Aug 20, 2019
- 277
I have constant anxiety in my body which is incredibly physically uncomfortable from the moment I wake up. It takes most of my attention to the point I can hardly carry on conversations. And even when I do I have nothing to talk about except mental illness which I happen to be studying and experiencing.
Sometimes the anxiety let's up and I fall into depression.
I can't seem to find joy or interest in anything. I need to distract myself with phone or Netflix almost constantly because it's so uncomfortable to just be. Or smoke cigarettes. My lungs and throat hurt and I get headaches from the tobacco yet I keep smoking anyway.
I just moved out of my parents again, I came for a break when I had a collapse hoping that 6 weeks would be enough as I took a room in another place for that time later. 6 weeks passed and I've only experiences marginal improvement. I've had a single day in that whole time that I didn't want to kill myself (push the button I'm thinking of it as).
I am going to therapy and have a great somatic therapist I'm working with. The people I've moved in with are lovely. I do have many friends in my life yet feel too uncomfortable to reach out to them too much in this state.
I'm 38 and I can't see how I'm going to manage to make a living or have a life or find a partner. I feel like a shell. Like there is nothing really to me anymore and I don't know how to come back.
So I've decided that I'll give it 2 more months, 26th November. I'll keep going to therapy, even increase to twice a week, and I'll keep trying other things. Yet if I'm still in this much misery and self-hatred and crippling anxiety then I'm gonna go.
At first I said I can't because of my parents and not wanting to do this to them. Yet I can't live my life just so that they don't hurt. I will write them a note as lovingly as I can. .
This is not living. I'm already waiting to die. I can't imagine another 30-40 years of this.
Some benzos (gonna try and get this), some morpheine (MS Contin I have already), Some nice whiskey and a couple kg of charcoal in my car. I'll drive somewhere where the bush meets the ocean. Have a last swim. Fire up the charcoal, take some pills with a drink and return to source. I hope the universe can forgive me. I tried, I really did.
Sometimes the anxiety let's up and I fall into depression.
I can't seem to find joy or interest in anything. I need to distract myself with phone or Netflix almost constantly because it's so uncomfortable to just be. Or smoke cigarettes. My lungs and throat hurt and I get headaches from the tobacco yet I keep smoking anyway.
I just moved out of my parents again, I came for a break when I had a collapse hoping that 6 weeks would be enough as I took a room in another place for that time later. 6 weeks passed and I've only experiences marginal improvement. I've had a single day in that whole time that I didn't want to kill myself (push the button I'm thinking of it as).
I am going to therapy and have a great somatic therapist I'm working with. The people I've moved in with are lovely. I do have many friends in my life yet feel too uncomfortable to reach out to them too much in this state.
I'm 38 and I can't see how I'm going to manage to make a living or have a life or find a partner. I feel like a shell. Like there is nothing really to me anymore and I don't know how to come back.
So I've decided that I'll give it 2 more months, 26th November. I'll keep going to therapy, even increase to twice a week, and I'll keep trying other things. Yet if I'm still in this much misery and self-hatred and crippling anxiety then I'm gonna go.
At first I said I can't because of my parents and not wanting to do this to them. Yet I can't live my life just so that they don't hurt. I will write them a note as lovingly as I can. .
This is not living. I'm already waiting to die. I can't imagine another 30-40 years of this.
Some benzos (gonna try and get this), some morpheine (MS Contin I have already), Some nice whiskey and a couple kg of charcoal in my car. I'll drive somewhere where the bush meets the ocean. Have a last swim. Fire up the charcoal, take some pills with a drink and return to source. I hope the universe can forgive me. I tried, I really did.
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