LogicalConclusion
Experienced
- Jun 2, 2019
- 239
Hey all, so I've been kinda all over the place lately. Since coming here, I've felt a bit better and figured I'd sort out plans and notes for whenever I want to opt out. There are a few things I've been trying to finish that I'd like to do and I've cut down pretty much every social service I possibly can so I can focus on planning and just trying to fucking relax a bit. First I was going to continue making minimal effort towards finding a therapist while seeing the one at my psychiatrist's office once a month, and I started to feel a bit better and thinking that maybe I could try to live, just differently, somehow without all of these "professionals" in my life. Then I met with the therapist, and even though she was legitimately kind, seeing her gave me further clarity of how futile this cycle is. Just being in these kinds of relationships, like all of these uneven power dynamics (parent/child, doctor/patient, etc), is an automatic trigger for me that seems to almost immediately engage me in trauma re-enactment.
I need to stop trying the way they want me to. That is something I had already determined because I've tried their way and their rules for 16 years, it's not working. My friend has agreed to try and help me write a statement with boundaries and a less emotional explanation of my situation because I know that explaining things over and over to new people is triggering af, I can't talk about my trauma in a general way, they ask questions and I get lost in the memories to the point that I don't even remember what the question was, it's just flashback central for me. The therapist at my psych's office wanted to see my full eval from when I finally got my autism and PTSD diagnoses for the new therapist, too, and after the appt I remembered some of the things that were written in the report that I don't think are fully accurate and that I'm concerned will automatically reinitiate the stigmatization I've experienced since childhood that literally caused the whole damn cycle of hospitals, doctors, and therapists in the first fucking place.
How can you even get help when the act of seeking help itself is a trigger? I'm just so tired of this cycle. And I hate the fact that I'm expected to keep trying, doing the same thing and getting more and more traumatized by a system that doesn't give a shit. I am not able to work, my parents paid into the system and they and the system are the ones that fucked me up, I think I've paid my dues. I still feel guilty about not being able to work and wish things weren't this way but this is just how it is. I guess ultimately the point is just that I can't keep going on this way, living in this cycle that I'm expected to, but I can't not be in that cycle, so even if I wanted to live it still wouldn't be a sustainable situation. I feel like I'm pretty much forced into ctb by the system that claims to be "helping" me.
I need to stop trying the way they want me to. That is something I had already determined because I've tried their way and their rules for 16 years, it's not working. My friend has agreed to try and help me write a statement with boundaries and a less emotional explanation of my situation because I know that explaining things over and over to new people is triggering af, I can't talk about my trauma in a general way, they ask questions and I get lost in the memories to the point that I don't even remember what the question was, it's just flashback central for me. The therapist at my psych's office wanted to see my full eval from when I finally got my autism and PTSD diagnoses for the new therapist, too, and after the appt I remembered some of the things that were written in the report that I don't think are fully accurate and that I'm concerned will automatically reinitiate the stigmatization I've experienced since childhood that literally caused the whole damn cycle of hospitals, doctors, and therapists in the first fucking place.
How can you even get help when the act of seeking help itself is a trigger? I'm just so tired of this cycle. And I hate the fact that I'm expected to keep trying, doing the same thing and getting more and more traumatized by a system that doesn't give a shit. I am not able to work, my parents paid into the system and they and the system are the ones that fucked me up, I think I've paid my dues. I still feel guilty about not being able to work and wish things weren't this way but this is just how it is. I guess ultimately the point is just that I can't keep going on this way, living in this cycle that I'm expected to, but I can't not be in that cycle, so even if I wanted to live it still wouldn't be a sustainable situation. I feel like I'm pretty much forced into ctb by the system that claims to be "helping" me.
