Venting Can't live, can't die

[sivvie]

I'm in so much pain. It's fucking unbearable, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I'm not over survival instincts yet but it's so hard to live I don't know what the fuck to do. This is torture. I feel so emotionally unstable, I completely despise myself at this point.
I'm so depressed, I'm not eating or drinking water. I haven't showered in weeks. I don't even have the energy to cry or be actively suicidal anymore.

What do I even do at this point? Am I supposed to just push myself to do it when I feel hesitant and am overthinking it? Do I wait? How long will I have to wait? I'm so tired. I wish I could just die. I wish I had N. I wish I could overcome SI.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I feel you. I'm sitting here in my living room at 2:30 am, dripping sweat because I'm in so much physical pain from my illness. My life is misery. I have N.

and I'm still too scared to do it.

 

[ineedtoctb]

I feel for you , I have no desire whatsoever to do anything & yet with all the issues piling up I should've ctb by now. Time will only tell

 

[Death is beautiful]

Such posts are ignored on this forum, but this is the worst thing when you don't want to live and can't die, I understand you, I hope you will find peace

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know that this life can be torture when you are suffering so much. I understand that it can be so horrible being trapped in a life of pain and misery. I am stuck in this world because suicide is so difficult and there is the fear of failure. It is all very depressing. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[soinvisible]

I am so very sorry you are going through this. For what it's worth...no, I don't think you should push yourself if you feel hesitant; because there's no coming back from it. I know we all know that but sometimes it's easy to forget in the terrible pain of a moment or a week or 2 weeks. I know that doesn't help you in this particular moment where everything seems to be crashing down all at once. Is there anybody you trust near you who could come over and just even bring you food, sit with you for a bit. You don't have to tell them you're thinking about ctb if you don't want to. Tell them you've been really sick or something? And please ignore that if it's the wrong suggestion. I'm also going to say something that sounds really really trivial and I know it and I hesitate to say it. I'm only going to say it because sometimes in my worst times it has helped me, and that's to find a show that you've always loved, if you have access to streaming, and just start watching those old friends from back in the day before everything was wrong. And please ignore too if its not right. I'm really not trying to trivialize what you're going through by saying oh watch TV. Just sometimes it helps me in the sense of getting out of the spiral for even a few hours. But when I was a kid some of the people in these shows really were my friends in my heart so it may not work for everybody. I think I was a little weird that way. I was pretty convinced Spock was real somewhere, sometime.
Please know people do care. We care. I know that doesn't change that you're still sitting there by yourself dealing with this, but you've touched people. This sounds trivial as well, but it's true, my thoughts are truly with you right now.

 

[OldDrummer]

I call depression 'Cancer of the Soul'.

I'm in my 50's now, and have had three major depressive episodes in my life - the commonality was that they all happened at this time of the year.

I wish I had some magic words or advice that would make you feel better, but sorry, I don't.

But I feel your pain.

 

[S like suicide]

I call depression 'Cancer of the Soul'.

I could not be more agree

 

[myopybyproxy]

I'm in so much pain. It's fucking unbearable, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I'm not over survival instincts yet but it's so hard to live I don't know what the fuck to do. This is torture. I feel so emotionally unstable, I completely despise myself at this point.

Am I supposed to just push myself to do it when I feel hesitant and am overthinking it? Do I wait? How long will I have to wait? I'm so tired. I wish I could just die. I wish I could overcome SI.

I feel this 100%. I have six more days left according to my plan but I don't know if I'll do it then or continue to procrastinate and suffer. I feel like I'm going crazy. Eventually I think I will just force myself because at some point the pain of living has got to overcome the pain of dying.

I wish I could hug you and not let go.

Just saw your other thread...I guess I was too late. May you find the peace you seek.

 

[Shu]

RIP Sivvie. You were kind.