Venting can’t keep going

[usernameforss]

I think it's really time to give up. Especially when I get denied for disability benefits it's so clear. Too disabled to even do the appeal process. How am I going to fill out this mountain off paperwork when I can't even…

People around me are all dealing with their own shit, too incompetent or too sick to help, the providers included. they don't have the capacity to help me.

I'm tired of cliches and lies and self help and naive messages. I just wish it was easier to die. Why is it do complicated? Why are some of the more peaceful methods kept from us. I know why of course and it's fucked up and wrong. I just want freedom. I want peace. I even got SN and someone found it and threw it out. I'm so angry. I could be gone by now. And now waiting on "back ordered" shit. I wish I had N. I remember when I first learned about N five or six years ago and wanted it so badly. I wish my social anxiety wasn't such a barrier, I could probably get access to some methods easier if I could deal with other people. They wouldn't be peaceful though. But I'd be free. I hate having to lie all the time. I hate that I keep having other health stuff come up and having to see doctors and them asking about ideation as if they're even comptent to do anything. No one wants to hear the truth. They want to hear me say I want to live. That I want me to keep trying. I'm tired of trying. Tired of trying 17 different medications. Tired of multiple hospitalizations. Tired of years of various therapies. Tired of abuse by relatives and doctors. Tired of money, and racism, and transphobia, and ableism, and sanism, and greed, and exploitation, and violence….. none of that will end in my lifetime. I'm not going to wait around and endure and have flashbacks and panic attacks because some people want to stay here. I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

 

[lukas19]

I don't 'think' I KNOW it's time, sick of this shit pointless existence. Just been told another another friend last week (same age 54) passed away peacfully in his sleep, tell the truth i was jealous. Why couldn't that have been me! Not to worry. My deliverance has been ordered. The way I feel I'll take the day on or the day after. Can't f*cking wait!!!

 

[Jarni]

I understand so well... Medical system and doctors are evil and gaslighters. 1-3 good doctors in 1000 don't change the system. If smb does not have to deal with doctors he can be considered as happy.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly hate the fact how it's this difficult to die as well, it really shouldn't be and the option of a peaceful way to finally free ourselves from this hellish world is what we deserve. I think that it's disgusting how someone else threw out your SN, they should have no right to interfere, if they want to live then that's their decision but it's wrong to try to force others to stay here.

But your feelings of wanting to leave really are understandable, as it's simply the reality that existence is just endless suffering and problems that just continues to get worse. I certainly also wish that I had N, it would be ideal to be able to exit this world in such a way. I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.