Venting can't hang myself, don't know what else i can do

[monetpompo]

terrible night last night. didn't have the courage to do full suspension hanging again and partial suspension never works for me. i don't know why i bother. my other option is jumping, but i can't do that until i get my license which would take me until the end of november. i don't want to live long enough to see the end of november. every day is excruciatingly meaningless. i don't see another alternative for me and i don't want anymore comments giving advice to me because i don't care. i don't care if my feelings towards myself are hypocritical because i care about others, i still see myself as a piece of garbage.

i researched tylenol overdosing again, even though i know that leads nowhere. i looked up cyanide from seeds, also doesn't go anywhere. i already looked into these things before but i hoped for a different result for some reason. all i seem to have is hanging, drowning, and jumping. i'm too lazy to look for sn and i don't have enough money to buy it. i know 2 people from sasu that have died from full suspension hanging so that should be enough proof that it works, but the pain scares me. i don't know how to not be scared. i don't want to wait to turn 21 because i don't give a fuck about the "opportunities" i can have when i turn 21, i've been thinking about killing myself since may and i can't stand thinking about this for even longer. i know no one will care. my social skills are fucked. i compare myself to everyone. i rot in my room. i'm too stupid to join the army. i have no money. i know i'm a loser and i know my parents see me as a financial burden.

i feel so tired and so stupid that i'm still alive. texas is hell and no one likes me here. if i ran away and became homeless, my life would just get worse and i would have even less to live for. i just want to isolate from every single person i know because i feel like i'll ruin their mood by talking to them. i feel awful when i talk about my depression or lash out at people because i'm insecure. there's no point in having a conversation with me if i'm just going to talk about how shitty my life is. i prayed to die last night and i'm still here because my health is great even though i eat garbage and sleep terribly. i wish my body would just shut down. everyone in my life is sick of me. i don't even want to keep browsing this site because i just feel like a burden. i've only been getting worse. my head is swimming with negativity and i just want to screw my skull off like a lightbulb.

 

[NutOrat]

My heart goes out to you! I don't have anything on methods, so instead here are just some jumbled thoughts sent your way:

I don't truly know your situation, and don't want to presume or equate your experiences to mine, but I do feel like we have a lot in common. I'm 3 years older than you, yet not a bit more independent or mature, mostly because I've been self-isolating and completely stunted any personal development. I wish I could provide any real comfort or say anything you haven't already heard, say it's going to get better... But it's really hard to believe that after years of getting worse.

From your presense here, your threads and comments, I get the impression you're a very kind and caring soul, even if you don't think that. I don't want this post to come off as "please don't do it!" type message, that's not my intent, I just genuinely believe it's true. I'm sorry you're suffering this much, though that goes without saying for everyone here. Hope you can feel even a little better soon, also hope this wasn't a mess to read because I'm terrible at thinking while emotional, and for some reason your posts make me especially emotional. Probably because they're relatable. Anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to DM me. Hugs

P.S. Madoka is in my top 5 favorite anime/manga, and I still haven't seen all that came out. I need to rewatch and binge all of it.

 

[monetpompo]

I get the impression you're a very kind and caring soul, even if you don't think that. I don't want this post to come off as "please don't do it!" type message, that's not my intent, I just genuinely believe it's true.

thanks. i don't really believe it, but people have been telling me that a lot lately. my brain's kind of amped up on self-hatred these days since i dropped out of college and feel even more useless than before. everyone i know in real life is still enrolled in college, they have a steady full time job, or both. i know that i'm in a dark place right now and that i can focus on the future instead of how depressed i am. i get totally blindsided some nights by how much i hate myself and i feel a repulsion that makes me want to tear my skin off, since i'd rather be anyone but me. talking to people on sasu contradicts my perspective on myself because i hate myself so much but i think anyone that sends me a kind message deserves to be happy. i don't think that anyone in the world really deserves to die. it's sad that people want to die.

I wish I could provide any real comfort or say anything you haven't already heard, say it's going to get better... But it's really hard to believe that after years of getting worse.

this is what i'm afraid of. the idea that i "should" kill myself at this age or that i "should've" killed myself while i was still in high school, since i was suffering back then too. no one in my life really knows how to comfort me or empathize with me because i see every day as something that's happening against my will, because even on a night where i lash out at people i'm close to and tell them and myself that i'm not deserving of affection, i'll still wake up. and i'll still think the same things about myself that i thought yesterday.

i hate being upset. i hate isolating. i hate not being able to tell anyone how i feel because i know exactly how it's going to go and i'm just going to feel like i'm burdening them by bringing up my self loathing and suicidal ideation. the world isn't going to accept an anxious loser with open arms, because i'm a dime-a-dozen person you can discard for someone happier and more interesting. i feel guilty that i talk on this forum so much when i've seen people leave in 2 weeks. i don't think that anyone should really care about me.

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

terrible night last night. didn't have the courage to do full suspension hanging again and partial suspension never works for me. i don't know why i bother. my other option is jumping, but i can't do that until i get my license which would take me until the end of november. i don't want to live long enough to see the end of november. every day is excruciatingly meaningless. i don't see another alternative for me and i don't want anymore comments giving advice to me because i don't care. i don't care if my feelings towards myself are hypocritical because i care about others, i still see myself as a piece of garbage.

i researched tylenol overdosing again, even though i know that leads nowhere. i looked up cyanide from seeds, also doesn't go anywhere. i already looked into these things before but i hoped for a different result for some reason. all i seem to have is hanging, drowning, and jumping. i'm too lazy to look for sn and i don't have enough money to buy it. i know 2 people from sasu that have died from full suspension hanging so that should be enough proof that it works, but the pain scares me. i don't know how to not be scared. i don't want to wait to turn 21 because i don't give a fuck about the "opportunities" i can have when i turn 21, i've been thinking about killing myself since may and i can't stand thinking about this for even longer. i know no one will care. my social skills are fucked. i compare myself to everyone. i rot in my room. i'm too stupid to join the army. i have no money. i know i'm a loser and i know my parents see me as a financial burden.

i feel so tired and so stupid that i'm still alive. texas is hell and no one likes me here. if i ran away and became homeless, my life would just get worse and i would have even less to live for. i just want to isolate from every single person i know because i feel like i'll ruin their mood by talking to them. i feel awful when i talk about my depression or lash out at people because i'm insecure. there's no point in having a conversation with me if i'm just going to talk about how shitty my life is. i prayed to die last night and i'm still here because my health is great even though i eat garbage and sleep terribly. i wish my body would just shut down. everyone in my life is sick of me. i don't even want to keep browsing this site because i just feel like a burden. i've only been getting worse. my head is swimming with negativity and i just want to screw my skull off like a lightbulb.

I'm so sorry to hear this. You suffered a lot in life and all the pain brought you to this point where you just wanna leave. You seem to be completely done with this shit world.
I feel the exact same way and I also just wanna die and leave this world which I never really understood.
May I ask: when you wanna ctb by full hanging what exactly is it that stops you? Is is fear from the pain which happens after one hangs fully? Is it fear of the unknown after we die? I ask specifically these two questions because I think these are the main reasons people can't do it but maybe you've your own reasons.
I think when I ctb I'll drink one or two drinks of course after I build my set up and then do it because alcohol seems to make the suffering much more intense in my case especially the anger of why this nightmare was my life, why I had so much bad luck in life.

 

[vig919]

I've got the same SI issue with hanging..but it looks like that's going to have to end soon because ctb sooner that later is probably going to happen.

Gonna have a few drinks, some THC 3000mg or more and some n2o... hopefully that will do it. Probably stand on a step ladder and wait to pass out.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

You say partial hanging never works for you, so you tried it several times? If you tried it several times, the pain must be bearable for you. Why do you expect so much more pain when you hang full? By the way, you can test how painful it is for you.

Or is lack of courage caused by the certainity that it will work and that there is no turning back once you hang, the same with jumping. In this case very deep inside you don't want to die and you have to wait until your time has come.

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

You say partial hanging never works for you, so you tried it several times? If you tried it several times, the pain must be bearable for you. Why do you expect so much more pain when you hang full? By the way, you can test how painful it is for you.

Or is lack of courage caused by the certainity that it will work and that there is no turning back once you hang, the same with jumping. In this case very deep inside you don't want to die and you have to wait until your time has come.

How could I test how painful full hanging will be. I'd like to now how those moments will feel like those moments while hanging fully but still conscious the 10-15 sec time interval.

 

[monetpompo]

You say partial hanging never works for you, so you tried it several times? If you tried it several times, the pain must be bearable for you.

yes, i've attempted partial several times and i never pass out. the pain is bearable but i just end up leaning into the rope while nothing happens, because it isn't compressing my carotids properly. this is the case for a lot of people.

Why do you expect so much more pain when you hang full? By the way, you can test how painful it is for you.

i've tried to do full suspension (can't get my feet fully off the stool) and it hurts significantly more because your whole body is suspended. it puts a lot of strain on your neck. it'll hurt more, for obvious reasons. i want to die but the feeling of pressure on my neck makes me back out. i still want to die, but i'm looking for alternatives that don't cause me immediate stress. please don't downplay the way that i feel because i haven't hung myself yet.

May I ask: when you wanna ctb by full hanging what exactly is it that stops you? Is is fear from the pain which happens after one hangs fully? Is it fear of the unknown after we die?

pain stops me. the pain is immediate when you step off the stool. it's a big deterrent for me and i immediately see the pain as more important than my desire to die. hanging will never be painless. some people have worse experiences with it than me, but i know that it's still cheap and effective. i don't have a fear of the unknown or of the afterlife. there's hardly anything that makes me want to keep living.

 

[itsgone2]

i've tried to do full suspension (can't get my feet fully off the stool) and it hurts significantly more because your whole body is suspended. it puts a lot of strain on your neck. it'll hurt more, for obvious reasons. i want to die but the feeling of pressure on my neck makes me back out. i still want to die, but i'm looking for alternatives that don't cause me immediate stress. please don't downplay the way that i feel because i haven't hung myself yet.

I have the same issue. Easing into it simply doesn't work. I hate it. The solution is right there. It's so close.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I'm thinking about sitting in the hot tub and dragging a razor across my carotid. Like today. It's so hard but so easy. I just want to commit.

 

[monetpompo]

I'm thinking about sitting in the hot tub and dragging a razor across my carotid. Like today. It's so hard but so easy. I just want to commit.

i hope you feel better today bud. i don't want you to die in pain.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Would it be that painful? I suppose. Blood loss is probably terrifying, even if fast. The feeling of enervation and panic. I've felt a little of it just donating plasma before and thought, "if this kept going, it would be awful." OTOH a cut throat might put you out in seconds