Can’t find a reason to live

[Charlotte000]

I seem to be psychologically unable to be happy. I don't enjoy anything and only do things out of boredom, but now i have no will to do anything. Everyday is just pure anhedonia.

I don't have the courage to jill myself so i just suffer. Everyone around me can do normal things like smile and laugh, but I just pretend to be like them. I feel nothing

 

[dragonofenvy]

Hi, welcome to the forum.

I've felt very similarly to you, I even made a post about it and many people chimed in with similar feelings so you're most certainly not alone here. It really sucks to just waste days away, not being able to enjoy anything when you really want to be able to do something you enjoy just to pass the time. I too, wish I could do normal things everyone else does, like hanging out with friends or traveling or going to parks, but I just don't enjoy those things. I sit and rot at home.

Anhedonia is one of the worst things imaginable. You're not only suffering but also not able to find any temporary escape from it. Worse yet, is seeing how everyone else seems to be able to enjoy themselves except you. I too don't yet have the courage to end everything just yet despite not having any reason to stick around, but I'm hoping one day that will change. I hope one day your pain can be alleviated, and I hope you find a community here as well.

 

[Anhedonico]

Hello, Charlotte. Welcome.
I am exactly in the same situation. Everything I do is just like a robot, and "pleasant" activities are just an excuse to waste time and not thinking too much. Besides that, there is no single future hypothesis/situation/posession I can imagine where I am happy or satisfied with. The only escape I can imagine is CTB but now I don't find the courage either. Maybe some day when the suffering is high enough...

 

[dementedpsycho]

I suffer from it as well. Nothing I enjoyed before gives me any sort of feeling at all, it's a very strange and scary feeling when things that used to exhilarate me leave me feeling stale faced and empty. Even seeing my family which would literally pull me out entire depressive episodes in the past, can reach my inner feels anymore.

My existence feels so empty and hollow, it's a terrible feeling but im seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it feels like somehow, in some dark twisted way. I enjoy feeling this way, it seems that even when im in a situation where if i just was able to express some even a small amount of emotion and feeling, it could get the ball rolling. But I let negative beliefs (and they aren't assumptions) take over, I can't fight my negative thoughts like before because I always felt like they were assumptions. Like "everyone hates you" well okay let me look for reasons why I don't. But now when I get thoughts of these nature, I've been in this pit so long I believe it, ive heard the voices so many times I've stopped fighting them and let them become who I am. I believe I don't deserve happiness anymore, and even when I try I don't feel it so.

Soon I will be no longer, and the idea actually gives me peace and relieves some of this anxiety. I guess this is what it's like to be close to the end.