Venting Can't even talk about wanting to die

[CuddleHug]

Basically what happened was that I talked to my dad earlier today. We are very close and I can always count on him when I need support. He knows I've been struggling lately, so I told him straight out that I might end up in the psych ward again by how things are looking right now.

And that's fine, he understands. After all, it's for my own good. If I need it, I need it. He'll drive me if I want. All good, right?

Well, no. Here's the thing. We discussed medications and I told him something like "if I didn't have [name of drug], I'd probably have ki..." and got interrupted. It was like he absolutely did not want to hear me say it. I low-key tried again, same result.

Maybe he didn't mean anything by it. Probably not, actually. But it still hurt. Obviously he knows I have those thoughts, so why can't he let me say it? I want to fucking kill myself.

Ugh, I don't know, maybe I'm too sensitive. It just strikes me as odd that the one person in my life I can talk about anything with can't stand me talking about wishing to die. I'll probably never bring it up again, since he obviously has a problem with it.

Please send hugs, I need to refill...

 

[dusty boots]

It's great that you have such a close relationship with your father. That is something that many don't get to have.

Putting myself in your father's shoes, I can imagine it breaks his heart to hear you say that you want to kill yourself. He obviously loves you very much and wants you to be in his life. The support he gives you and the fact that you say you can always count on him shows just how much you mean to him.

I think sometimes we think that we should be able to say whatever we want to our parents and they should accept it - I know I've been there. But we have to remember that they are human too and have feelings and therefore some things are just too much for them to hear or bear.

If your dad had allowed you to say it, have you imagined what his response would have been? What would you have wanted him to say?

 

[Jean4]

You aren't too sensitive. I would be too!

I also agree that maybe your father doesn't know what to say. It appears you two have a good relationship. Maybe he feels guilt that you are in pain.

How are you feeling now? Do you still think you may need hospitalization?

 

[CuddleHug]

Thank you both for your kind replies

If your dad had allowed you to say it, have you imagined what his response would have been? What would you have wanted him to say?

I honestly don't know. I think I just wanted to get it out. He probably couldn't have said anything to make me feel better. I guess the reason I wanted him to hear it was to prepare him for the day when I do CTB. In hindsight, it wasn't necessary to put words to it, he already knew.

How are you feeling now? Do you still think you may need hospitalization?

I've slept on it. Still don't want to, but I probably do need it. It's kind of up to my therapist, who I'm seeing today. I feel like I don't care much either way. I'm too indifferent to care right now. I want to CTB, but obviously I'd prefer not to feel that way.

 

[TAW122]

*hugs sent your way* I'm sorry that you are in this situation and that you can't even confide the topic of CTB with your own family. We are here for you and this forum is a place where you can vent your feelings out and whatever decision you come to, we will support and respect your decision for it.