Can't even enjoy Christmas anymore

[Tomoko]

I've realised that this very well may be my last Christmas recently. This holiday used to bring me so much cheer. Even in my instability, I at least have good memories from one or two years here and there of looking at Christmas lights, playing games all night over break when I was in high school, drinking hot chocolate, enjoying the weather. Last night I was having such a shit evening and I decided to go try and cheer myself up. At around midnight I just walked outside and took a stroll around my neighborhood. I was sipping hot cocoa and looking at the lights, and sweating to death in 79 degree weather. I realised that not even the holiday season brings me joy anymore. Every day I just wake up, feel angry all day at my job, and then come home to a household that misunderstands me and wants me out by summer, after just escaping my last shitty living situation that I ended up in when I was kicked out before that. And I can't even feel any joy from Christmas to take my mind off of things anymore. But I just can't bring myself to CTB at this time of year.

Anyone else feeling less-than-festive this year?

 

[rationalis]

That's sad. I have never paid much attention to holidays, they all seem corporate or religious motivated. Just another day to me.

 

[Julgran]

We are many here who have lost the cheer of Christmas.

What is it that makes you so angry? Are you constantly thinking about your problematic home life? Would you feel any different if you could live on your own instead?

 

[Tomoko]

We are many here who have lost the cheer of Christmas.

What is it that makes you so angry? Are you constantly thinking about your problematic home life? Would you feel any different if you could live on your own instead?

Maybe a little, but the pain I've experienced would probably never go away. Granted, I doubt I'd even find a job that pays me enough to live, but still.

 

[FuneralCry]

Christmas does not mean anything to me, it is just another day of suffering. I do not do anything differently. It would feel wrong to 'celebrate' anything in such a horrible life. Whenever I see something associated with christmas it does irritate me. I do not enjoy anything at all. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is hard when everything is hopeless. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Julgran]

Maybe a little, but the pain I've experienced would probably never go away. Granted, I doubt I'd even find a job that pays me enough to live, but still.

It sounds like you are in a really hard situation. I hope that you got out of that soon, no matter how you decide to do so.

I feel you in this one so hard. Throughout my whole life I've always watched all the Christmas movies and Christmas shows. Hoping they could be me. Never have received a present before. Birthdays included. I was jealous and envious of all the people I saw. It may be my favorite holiday but it's when I feel the worst.

I've been agoraphobic since forever. The few times in adulthood I've gone out I was so happy to recieve presents.people acknowledged my existence. Two gift cards and a cup and a hat. That's my whole life.

Ive come to realize I'm a piece of shit and everyone knows it. You know that saying that says if you show kindness to others you'll receive kindness. Well one year I mustered the courage to actually be outside and participate in society. I saved and saved and starved to buy meaningful crap for everyone . Didn't work out so well for me as I was forgotten again. Wish I got a card or something. Sounds so materialistic but I just wanted anyone to show me something that I mattered. Even a thank you.

Anyway now again I'm more agoraphobic than ever before. Those same shows that used to give me a spark a joy just make me feel guilty.

I don't want to spend another day in this earth. But I'm scared of the pain. Even if someone hurts me I never want to hurt anyone. I live with only guilt. The best Christmas present I would ever receive is not waking up and my dead body not to traumatize anyone. God I'm so sad lol.

I feel you so much in this :( Christmas has shown me that i should just not exist.

Maybe you are a peace of shit, as you write, but I can't know that. What I do know, however, is that it's very limiting to live as an agoraphobic, and even harder to be feel ing alone simultaneously. Do note that I have never been diagnosed with Agoraphobia, but in hindsight, I realize that it must have been this particular thing that afflicted me. What's ironic is that it gradually disappeared when my depression started, so I guess two ills have a hard time fighting over the mental state of people, sometimes.

I'm curious, though - what makes you feel guilty? You didn't describe anything that makes you into a bad person, as far as I can see.

 

[Julgran]

Have you not felt guilt for existing? For allowing yourself to feel anything but sadness only to end up being even more sad?

I can't say that I have felt this way, but do you think that some particular situation could have caused you to feel this way? Perhaps we mean different things, because I don't see how one can feel guilt if they haven't done something morally wrong. No one asks to be born, so how can we be guilty for existing?

 

[Julgran]

By not contributing anything to society. By existing and wasting resources. By not fitting in with everyone else.

Well, we are the people who we are as adults based on how we grew up - namely, who our role models were and how the adults raised us - so why would the guilt be ours to bear, and not the adults in our childhood?

 

[emmarg]

I'm right there with you, I have happy memories but for the past five years or so I've been at my worst around the holidays

 

[Julgran]

Are you a prolifer or something ?

I don't see where that question is coming from, but, no, I'm certainly not a pro-lifer - I just don't see the logic in your reasoning.

 

[Julgran]

Feelings aren't logical. You seem to be trying to invalidate my own thoughts of myself.

If you want a better answer from me, you need to help me along by specifying what you are reacting to - for example, if I wrote something specific that you may have interpreted as hostile towards you, because I still don't understand what we are talking about.

 

[TerminalVelocity]

I will sadly be gone before Christmas. Oh well.

 

[Julgran]

If your whole life is consisted of everything blamed on you regardless of by your parents or however. How can you not live with guilt. There is no logic behind it as feelings in general have no logic behind it.
I'll give you good example. If someone farts in public even if I know I didn't do it, I'll still believe it's me. Hearing someone trying to change my mind about it only makes me feel worse.

Feeling like this is not logical whatsoever but it doesn't change the way I feel. And having someone telling me blame it on the way I raised does nothing but make me feel worse. Because now I feel guilty about that too. Then previously you say you must do something to feel guilt over ? No that's not the way this works at least to me.

You keep saying to feel a certain way it must have a logical equivalent. That doesn't work for me.

Sorry if i seemed rude but what you said digs deeper into telling me what I feel is wrong. I never said it was logical or had to be.

It's the same way I feel about death as a human. Suicide to me is a means to an end to not feel like this anymore. To end the suffering. Scientifically we know everyone tries to live. Your body tries to fight it. Yet deep down me and others like me can't help but know it is wrong. Is that logical to most people? No.

I don't have the need to explain why I feel like shit. Because everyone is so different. But I accept how others feel without question it because it's all valid.

It hurts to be questioned in that way because to me personally it sounds like me feeling this way isn't valid. And if I believe it is valid it only serves to make me feel worse.

So yeah no hard feelings or anything. But obviously I'm a bit fucked up and crazy. But I don't need a reason to feel the way I do and neither does anyone else


All I wanted to do was share what goes through my mind during this time. And now I just feel even more weight. I really hope you don't feel bad or anything cause of me

Thank you for your explanation, and you are always welcome to share your experience

It seems like you put the blame of everything bad that happens, on yourself, rather than identifying the source of the problem, which could be another person or event. Would you say that it's your fault if you are at a store to buy food, and then suddenly a fire starts to burn somewhere inside the store?

 

[Julgran]

Yes. I believe everything bad is because of me? Does this makes sense to you now?

When I say agoraphobic I mean I'm deadly scared of the world. I haven't stepped foot outside in years

I see now what you mean. What is there that says that something is not my fault, instead of yours, or the fault of another customer at the store? Couldn't it be everyone's fault, instead of just your own?

You do seem to understand what other people think is logical, though. Do you think that you could try to pretend to treat accidents like they do? It's simply not the case that everything can be your fault.

As for your agoraphobia, I see it as another problem that is not a part of the above, but it's a problem as well, of course. I hope that you can receive help with that. Do you have any friends or family relatives who you can talk to, and do you feel that there is a difference between talking to them, compared to walking outside in the world?

 

[lost_ally]

I've realised that this very well may be my last Christmas recently. This holiday used to bring me so much cheer. Even in my instability, I at least have good memories from one or two years here and there of looking at Christmas lights, playing games all night over break when I was in high school, drinking hot chocolate, enjoying the weather. Last night I was having such a shit evening and I decided to go try and cheer myself up. At around midnight I just walked outside and took a stroll around my neighborhood. I was sipping hot cocoa and looking at the lights, and sweating to death in 79 degree weather. I realised that not even the holiday season brings me joy anymore. Every day I just wake up, feel angry all day at my job, and then come home to a household that misunderstands me and wants me out by summer, after just escaping my last shitty living situation that I ended up in when I was kicked out before that. And I can't even feel any joy from Christmas to take my mind off of things anymore. But I just can't bring myself to CTB at this time of year.

Anyone else feeling less-than-festive this year?

Feeling very less-than-festive this year compared to the last.
Even though I had been going through an awful mental breakdown at that time, I could still feel more than I do today. People say I look and sound better, but really, I am worse.
I dread Christmas this year.

 

[cambrai33]

Christmas is built on false feelings of love and togetherness, manipulated by capitalism and greed to maximise our pathetic need to seek validation by giving gifts to people we ignore for the rest of the year.

Even watching 'Elf' has lost its magic