Venting Cant even die peacefully!

[veryhappyhuman]

For those who've seen my posts, you may know that my ctb plan was to travel to Canada, visit some places and ctb there in a hotel (SN). I was very determined to do it and everything was/has been going according to plan -- quit my job back home, closed things off, and managed to get to Canada ok. I even had my itinerary (culminating in ctb) all planned out.

Unfortunately though, in my blind urge to finish the job, I neglected to research what happens after my death in terms of formalities etc. I suppose in a corner of my mind I always knew it wasn't going to be very smooth, but didn't want to think about it too much because my only focus was on ctb itself.

Yesterday, by chance I happened to come across the case of someone from my country who died abroad, and oh boy. For an unnatural death, apparently there is a shit ton of pain the next of kin goes through post the event -- be it for transporting the body or ashes back or even to just get a death certificate from my home country. Even if I throw away my identities etc and effectively disappear, it doesn't get any easier for them. In my case the next of kin would be my old parents, so I feel like an absolute monster leaving them to deal with all this shit, on top of the grief of losing me.

I can't return and ctb in my home country either, because it's a 3rd world shithole and I'm pretty sure about harassment of my family from corrupt police etc.

I was so sure of my plan and was looking forward to a peaceful exit. I'm just completely stuck now. If I live, I'm 100% sure I'd go insane -- the internal cacophony gets louder day by day and therapy is of no use at all. I can easily see my rapidly worsening mental condition from like just 5 years ago. Now I can't ctb either. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST DIE?? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED????? Part of me thinks I should say fuck it and stay on my original plan but the guilt is overwhelming now. WTF DO I DO NOW?!?! I feel like my head is going to explode from all the contradictory thoughts fighting each other.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Do you have enough money to hire an attorney for them... sort of like hiring the executor in advance or something like that?
Did you pre-arrange and pay for a funeral? I think funeral directors maybe(?) know how to get things done. Good grief this is a horrible situation. I'm so sorry.

 

[unkuto]

If you managed to get to Canada from third world country why not just stay here and try to start over?

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I'm quite surpirsed you got to Canada before realizing all of those formalties.
I just decided not even traveling North in my country, and rather ctb'ing close to home to even avoid that hassle.

I guess tunnel vision of ctb is a powerful thing.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, I can imagine that it must be so stressful and awful. I understand that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

Do you have enough money to hire an attorney for them... sort of like hiring the executor in advance or something like that?
Did you pre-arrange and pay for a funeral? I think funeral directors maybe(?) know how to get things done. Good grief this is a horrible situation. I'm so sorry.

I thought about doing things like this, but considering I'm "young" enough (37) and don't have a terminal disease, I was sure there'd be lot of questions asked as to why I'm doing this, and I'd end up committed to a mental hospital.

I do have about 15K CA$ left in my account (last of my life savings). My original plan was to mention in my suicide note that whoever finds my body can keep it for the trouble I've caused them and burial expenses. And to just give me a simple local burial (and do not send any remains back home, just mail the death certificate). But then, it's not like they're bound to respect it. It'd be a suicide note not a formal will. The official rules for my country stipulate that in case of ctb, my next of kin is supposed to get involved and go through a tedious process to get these things done. It could take almost a year since there'd be criminal investigations etc.

I feel like I'm in hell already.

If you managed to get to Canada from third world country why not just stay here and try to start over?

I already tried it. I've tried to start new lives in 2 different foreign countries. Stayed abroad for a total of 4+ years, in previous attempts to start over. Did nothing -- I always end up where I started. Besides, at that time, I was mentally not broken enough that I could hold a job at least. Now I'm too far gone for that, and without a job I'd soon run out of money if I live here.

I'm quite surpirsed you got to Canada before realizing all of those formalties.
I just decided not even traveling North in my country, and rather ctb'ing close to home to even avoid that hassle.

I guess tunnel vision of ctb is a powerful thing.

Well, before I came up with the Canada plan, my idea was exactly this. Move to another location within my country (far but not too far from the place of my residence) and commit ctb. But as mentioned in OP, the police in my country are very corrupt. They are sociopathic enough to harass even the family of someone who has committed ctb in the name of "investigations" and milk money/bribes etc. So I figured I'd do it discreetly in a Western country where police are still ethical etc. But now that seems like a no-go too.

At this point, I'd honestly pay all my life savings to a method that's quick, reliable, doesn't involve anyone else (so they don't get in trouble) AND makes my death look 100% like an accident. Or to someone who'd let me ctb but handle all post-death stuff smoothly.

 

[BigG91]

I thought about doing things like this, but considering I'm "young" enough (37) and don't have a terminal disease, I was sure there'd be lot of questions asked as to why I'm doing this, and I'd end up committed to a mental hospital.

I do have about 15K CA$ left in my account (last of my life savings). My original plan was to mention in my suicide note that whoever finds my body can keep it for the trouble I've caused them and burial expenses. And to just give me a simple local burial (and do not send any remains back home, just mail the death certificate). But then, it's not like they're bound to respect it. It'd be a suicide note not a formal will. The official rules for my country stipulate that in case of ctb, my next of kin is supposed to get involved and go through a tedious process to get these things done. It could take almost a year since there'd be criminal investigations etc.

I feel like I'm in hell already.


I already tried it. I've tried to start new lives in 2 different foreign countries. Stayed abroad for a total of 4+ years, in previous attempts to start over. Did nothing -- I always end up where I started. Besides, at that time, I was mentally not broken enough that I could hold a job at least. Now I'm too far gone for that, and without a job I'd soon run out of money if I live here.



Well, before I came up with the Canada plan, my idea was exactly this. Move to another location within my country (far but not too far from the place of my residence) and commit ctb. But as mentioned in OP, the police in my country are very corrupt. They are sociopathic enough to harass even the family of someone who has committed ctb in the name of "investigations" and milk money/bribes etc. So I figured I'd do it discreetly in a Western country where police are still ethical etc. But now that seems like a no-go too.

At this point, I'd honestly pay all my life savings to a method that's quick, reliable, doesn't involve anyone else (so they don't get in trouble) AND makes my death look 100% like an accident.

So overall you don't want to ctb because the police in your country are corrupt ?
Can't you send all your savings back to your parents before doing the deed ?

Also why do you want to ctb if you don't have any illness ?

 

[houseofleaves]

Also why do you want to ctb if you don't have any illness ?

…?????

 

[veryhappyhuman]

So overall you don't want to ctb because the police in your country are corrupt ?
Can't you send all your savings back to your parents before doing the deed ?

Ok, but how would sending money back help? My parents are financially ok, money is not the problem.

Also why do you want to ctb if you don't have any illness ?

I've been depressed for more than a decade. Already attempted ctb several times. Visits to psychiatrist/meds didn't help, nor did getting into gymming and other "healthy" hobbies. Depression is primarily due to chronic loneliness (right from childhood, quite literally never had friends). I feel like I fundamentally lack something that connects humans with each other. Except my parents, not a single person has felt an attachment of any kind to me. Maddeningly, I've never been able to figure out the reason despite trying all my life. Obviously, this also means I've never had a girl in my life which just adds to the misery.

My depression has gotten progressively worse over the years, and is now bad enough that I can no longer hold down a job or live day to day life. The only thoughts I have now from the time I wake up to when I go to bed are ctb thoughts. I can't even eat or sleep normally. I've hit rock bottom and there's no recovering after this. Guess that should explain it.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I thought about doing things like this, but considering I'm "young" enough (37) and don't have a terminal disease, I was sure there'd be lot of questions asked as to why I'm doing this, and I'd end up committed to a mental hospital.

I do have about 15K CA$ left in my account (last of my life savings). My original plan was to mention in my suicide note that whoever finds my body can keep it for the trouble I've caused them and burial expenses. And to just give me a simple local burial (and do not send any remains back home, just mail the death certificate). But then, it's not like they're bound to respect it. It'd be a suicide note not a formal will. The official rules for my country stipulate that in case of ctb, my next of kin is supposed to get involved and go through a tedious process to get these things done. It could take almost a year since there'd be criminal investigations etc.

I feel like I'm in hell already.

I'm not sure you can do what you need to do while you are located in a different country. It's something like setting up a trust, maybe. It seems like you could put an attorney on retainer on your parents' behalf by wiring money, but I don't know what explanation you would give the attorney. This is very complicated. I'm sorry.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

but I don't know what explanation you would give the attorney

Yep, this is exactly the problem. I really wish suicidal depression above an age was officially a terminal disease (it effectively pretty much is). Thank you for your helpful messages though.

 

[BigG91]

…?????

I'm curious to know so i asked.
Because it seemed like he's put in a lot of work.

Ok, but how would sending money back help? My parents are financially ok, money is not the problem.



I've been depressed for more than a decade. Already attempted ctb several times. Visits to psychiatrist/meds didn't help, nor did getting into gymming and other "healthy" hobbies. Depression is primarily due to chronic loneliness (right from childhood, quite literally never had friends). I feel like I fundamentally lack something that connects humans with each other. Except my parents, not a single person has felt an attachment of any kind to me. Maddeningly, I've never been able to figure out the reason despite trying all my life. Obviously, this also means I've never had a girl in my life which just adds to the misery.

My depression has gotten progressively worse over the years, and is now bad enough that I can no longer hold down a job or live day to day life. The only thoughts I have now from the time I wake up to when I go to bed are ctb thoughts. I can't even eat or sleep normally. I've hit rock bottom and there's no recovering after this. Guess that should explain it.

I understand you now ..and depression is also an illness ... Thank you for clearing that out .... I was curious to know because you moved to Canada which itself is a big step ...

 

[veryhappyhuman]

because you moved to Canada which itself is a big step ...

Yep, it really was a big step, and that's how determined I was to end this pathetic existence. I still am tbh, but the guilt is pushing me back. I'm getting nightmares like my father dying on the street while wandering trying to handle my post-death stuff etc. But on the flip side, I'm also scared shitless of having to outlive my parents -- who knows how many years that'd take, 10? 15? Besides, there'd be no SN available then, and it's also possible that I get disabled by then and am unable to commit ctb anymore. This is why as mentioned in OP, I'm completely STUCK now.

I've even tried dropping hints to my parents for a suicide pact for all 3 of us but they're still strongly and unabashedly pro-life despite everything that has happened to them and me. I simply don't get them. Like, what do you even have to live for anymore?! You're old, sick (only getting sicker in future) and your only son is a worthless PoS who's wasted his life and wants nothing except his death. What do you even have to live for anymore. Sigh!

 

[BigG91]

I'm curious to know so i asked.
Because it seemed like he's put in a lot of work.

I understand you now ..and depression is also an illness ... Thank you for clearing that out .... I was curious to know because you moved to Canada which itself is a big step ...

Ok, but how would sending money back help? My parents are financially ok, money is not the problem.



I've been depressed for more than a decade. Already attempted ctb several times. Visits to psychiatrist/meds didn't help, nor did getting into gymming and other "healthy" hobbies. Depression is primarily due to chronic loneliness (right from childhood, quite literally never had friends). I feel like I fundamentally lack something that connects humans with each other. Except my parents, not a single person has felt an attachment of any kind to me. Maddeningly, I've never been able to figure out the reason despite trying all my life. Obviously, this also means I've never had a girl in my life which just adds to the misery.

My depression has gotten progressively worse over the years, and is now bad enough that I can no longer hold down a job or live day to day life. The only thoughts I have now from the time I wake up to when I go to bed are ctb thoughts. I can't even eat or sleep normally. I've hit rock bottom and there's no recovering after this. Guess that should explain

Yep, it really was a big step, and that's how determined I was to end this pathetic existence. I still am tbh, but the guilt is pushing me back. I'm getting nightmares like my father dying on the street while wandering trying to handle my post-death stuff etc. But on the flip side, I'm also scared shitless of having to outlive my parents -- who knows how many years that'd take, 10? 15? Besides, there'd be no SN available then, and it's also possible that I get disabled by then and am unable to commit ctb anymore. This is why as mentioned in OP, I'm completely STUCK now.

I've even tried dropping hints to my parents for a suicide pact for all 3 of us but they're still strongly and unabashedly pro-life despite everything that has happened to them and me. I simply don't get them. Like, what do you even have to live for anymore?! You're old, sick (only getting sicker in future) and your only son is a worthless PoS who's wasted his life and wants nothing except his death. What do you even have to live for anymore. Sigh!

I know how you feel I'm kind of on the same boat because of a mental illness....
If i were in your shoes i would ctb ASAP because i don't care what happens to my dead body or my family i just want to exit.

But if i had depression i would definitely start smoking cannabis again and have a couple of drinks for a few months in Canada and see how it goes and I probably might still be depressed but be able to live a bit longer perhaps not sure...

 

[Sun n showers]

For those who've seen my posts, you may know that my ctb plan was to travel to Canada, visit some places and ctb there in a hotel (SN). I was very determined to do it and everything was/has been going according to plan -- quit my job back home, closed things off, and managed to get to Canada ok. I even had my itinerary (culminating in ctb) all planned out.

Unfortunately though, in my blind urge to finish the job, I neglected to research what happens after my death in terms of formalities etc. I suppose in a corner of my mind I always knew it wasn't going to be very smooth, but didn't want to think about it too much because my only focus was on ctb itself.

Yesterday, by chance I happened to come across the case of someone from my country who died abroad, and oh boy. For an unnatural death, apparently there is a shit ton of pain the next of kin goes through post the event -- be it for transporting the body or ashes back or even to just get a death certificate from my home country. Even if I throw away my identities etc and effectively disappear, it doesn't get any easier for them. In my case the next of kin would be my old parents, so I feel like an absolute monster leaving them to deal with all this shit, on top of the grief of losing me.

I can't return and ctb in my home country either, because it's a 3rd world shithole and I'm pretty sure about harassment of my family from corrupt police etc.

I was so sure of my plan and was looking forward to a peaceful exit. I'm just completely stuck now. If I live, I'm 100% sure I'd go insane -- the internal cacophony gets louder day by day and therapy is of no use at all. I can easily see my rapidly worsening mental condition from like just 5 years ago. Now I can't ctb either. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST DIE?? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED????? Part of me thinks I should say fuck it and stay on my original plan but the guilt is overwhelming now. WTF DO I DO NOW?!?! I feel like my head is going to explode from all the contradictory thoughts fighting each other.

Obviously you a lready decided grief of loosing you wld be ok , or you wouldn't plan to ctb. so not much more after that to consider, body anywhete has to be cleaned up...sounds like si kicked in for you but trying to find an excuse for it. Its a sod isn't it.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

sounds like si kicked in for you but trying to find an excuse for it. Its a sod isn't it.

Not really, if it was SI I wouldn't be ashamed of admitting it or finding excuses for it. In fact, I've already said in later posts that what's preventing me from ctb now is definitely SI bc I am back home now.

But back when I posted the OP, I definitely was going full throttle on ctb and SI wasn't in the picture -- I'd just lost my job, and with it, my last chance at bare minimum social interaction. It was a pretty powerful ctb trigger. If you go through my entire post history, you'll notice I've always been conscious of minimizing the impact of my ctb on others (other than the grief to my parents). Every choice I'm making in my plan, from the type of hotel I'll be doing it to the location, method etc etc, my aim has been exactly that. People have even mocked me for it, asking why I'd care what happens after ctb, but I do. If I'd ctb abroad there'd be a lot of headache from procedural complications beyond just "body anywhete has to be cleaned up". I didn't want to subject my grieving parents and relatives to that.

 

[Sun n showers]

Not really, if it was SI I wouldn't be ashamed of admitting it or finding excuses for it. In fact, I've already said in later posts that what's preventing me from ctb now is definitely SI bc I am back home now.

But back when I posted the OP, I definitely was going full throttle on ctb and SI wasn't in the picture -- I'd just lost my job, and with it, my last chance at bare minimum social interaction. It was a pretty powerful ctb trigger. If you go through my entire post history, you'll notice I've always been conscious of minimizing the impact of my ctb on others (other than the grief to my parents). Every choice I'm making in my plan, from the type of hotel I'll be doing it to the location, method etc etc, my aim has been exactly that. People have even mocked me for it, asking why I'd care what happens after ctb, but I do. If I'd ctb abroad there'd be a lot of headache from procedural complications beyond just "body anywhete has to be cleaned up". I didn't want to subject my grieving parents and relatives to that.

I see. Bless you