Can't deal with mental illness from partner anymore

[marceline]

Hi everyone,

The following will be for some not a real problem, I know that a lot of you here have much more severe problems and pain. So sorry if anyone feels bad of that what I wrote. I have no other to tell that.
I signed up here to understand more about mental illness.
I am living with my partner for 10 years who has been depressed for about 3 years. He has had suicide thoughts for about 1.5 years. In the beginning there were always hints like "I'm not there by then anyway", or "everything has no meaning anymore" or the like. Now that has changed over the past six months. He says it much more directly and often in an argument. So if I don't agree with him or want to do something he doesn't like, then there's a threat. He also tells me directly that it is my fault that he is so bad. That he kills himself because of me. I hear that every day now. I am totally confused and do not know what to do. Especially because he is so different. In one moment he is so hurtful and in the next moment he hugs me.
I love him and I have always tried to support him, to help him. But I feel like I'm doing it wrong no matter what I do. I'm always careful not to upset him because I'm afraid that another suicide threat will come.
I've never been suicidal, but I'm at the end. I can't take the daily accusations anymore. At the same time, I love him and I'm afraid of losing him. I'm always scared when I leave the house that when I come back he did it. The night before yesterday he said to me "You are my death. You let me die". This hit me hard. And I am always thinking why? What am I doing wrong... What have I done that he thinks he have to kill himself?
I really don't know what I can do to help him to feel better. :(

 

[Jean Améry]

I don't know your partner nor you but it doesn't seem very likely you're actually the cause of his problems. In any case he shouldn't threaten you like that which is basically blackmail.

I'm sure your partner is in a world of hurt but he should take responsibility for himself and stop blaming you for his problems. Tell him this: he has no right to threaten you, he needs to decide whether life is worth it or not and if he even wants to be in a relationship with you anymore.

Personally I don't believe in the concept of 'clinical depression' or anything of that nature (as in mental suffering caused by a neuro-biological problem which can be solved by drugs) but perhaps he might benefit from what they call 'treatment'. In essence if it works it's due to the placebo-effect but who cares right?

What he really should be doing is examine his life and determine whether he considers it worth fighting for or not. If not I think he should be able to kill himself if that is what wants (obviously society does not agree with me on this), if he does want to live he should find out what it is that is causing him this much grief and attempt to ameliorate the problem.

What you describe sounds like emotional abuse to me. While I have sympathy for those who feel suicidal I don't think it's morally right to act like he does. If he claims he has no control over his behaviour whatsoever (which I believe is rarely the case) he should see a doctor.

It's up to you whether you want to stay with him or not. I would adress the problem directly though and quit accomodating him as this will likely only make it worse. If he does end up killing himself it'll be his choice, not yours.

 

[Anathema]

While I know nothing about the relationship in real life, this behavior is not typical of someone who is only depressed.
Has he been screened for personality disorders? You said he's been your partner for 10 years. Personality disorders are usually present for a long time, sometimes up til death, and their onset is anywhere from early childhood to early adulthood.
This sounds very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, but being depressed and anxious all the time also tends to make someone not quite rational.
Is he open to counseling? He clearly needs help, and you're suffering.

 

[marceline]

I know that he is suffering but I don't know if he really knows why. In the past years he tried some different drugs but nothing made feel him better. :(
Its sounds so easy to leave. But it isn't. I don't know if I can handle it if he kills himself after leaving. When I ask him why he wants to die he always answer "you know why. And if you don't you're blind".

 

[BlueWidow]

To end your life is a personal choice and no other person should be held responsible when someone makes that choice. It is their choice alone and they need to take the responsibility for it if they choose to go that route.
I'm so sorry for what's happening to you. You don't deserve to be made to feel like it's your fault or that you're doing anything wrong. I agree with the above statements and I don't really have much to add that they didn't already say, except that you shouldn't feel bad for what he does. I'm sure he must be in a lot of pain. I feel bad for the both of you.

 

[marceline]

While I know nothing about the relationship in real life, this behavior is not typical of someone who is only depressed.
Has he been screened for personality disorders? You said he's been your partner for 10 years. Personality disorders are usually present for a long time, sometimes up til death, and their onset is anywhere from early childhood to early adulthood.
This sounds very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, but being depressed and anxious all the time also tends to make someone not quite rational.
Is he open to counseling? He clearly needs help, and you're suffering.

He is in therapy for quite a while. But I think (I don't know it for sure) he isn't really honest to his therapist. He was always a little bit pessimistic but I could handle this. But after his father died its getting worse.

 

[Azzy69]

It's not easy feeling that way for such a long period of time. Just know that any decision he makes is not based on your doing. It is purely HIS CHOICE. You sound quite concerned based on your posts in this thread, and I am wondering if there is any way that you can discuss the above with his therapist? Please remember to take care of yourself too!

 

[marceline]

It's not easy feeling that way for such a long period of time. Just know that any decision he makes is not based on your doing. It is purely HIS CHOICE. You sound quite concerned based on your posts in this thread, and I am wondering if there is any way that you can discuss the above with his therapist? Please remember to take care of yourself too!

In april we had a situation where I wanted to visit a friend of mine in a different city. Here the situation escalated. Because he doesn't wanted that I go he threatened me with suicide. There was so much pressure that I called his therapist. His answer was that he can't do anything, if my partner wouldnt tell him personally that he wanna die... So I can do nothing. And personally I think that is have to be his choice to talk open and honest about his feelings with his therapist. I would not like to force him...
Anyway I want to thank you all for listening. Feels good to tell someone.

 

[Soul]

@marceline, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I too believe you aren't - can't be - the reason for your friend's illness, and you can't cure him either. I love a man diagnosed with schizophrenia, and it was a long hard road to figuring out that despite the movies, love is not an effective therapy for mental illness. As @Jean Améry says, there might be pharmaceuticals and/or professional therapists who can help him, but you don't deserve to be guilt-tripped the way you describe.

 

[Azzy69]

In april we had a situation where I wanted to visit a friend of mine in a different city. Here the situation escalated. Because he doesn't wanted that I go he threatened me with suicide. There was so much pressure that I called his therapist. His answer was that he can't do anything, if my partner wouldnt tell him personally that he wanna kill himself... So I can do nothing. And personally I think that is have to be his choice to talk open and honest about his feelings with his therapist. I would not like to force him...
Anyway I want to thank you all for listening. Feels good to tell someone. ❤

So sorry to hear. If he wants to help, he will do so. Best wishes, hugs to you, and I hope it improves one day.

 

[less than]

I'm sorry for the situation you're in. I'm sure you love your friend and you've tried to help him as much as you can. Look, you're here, to seek heIp by totally strangers!
It isn't a kind way from him to blame you for his situation. Only he self is responsible for his own desicions. Sometimes suicide isn't to prevent no matter what was tried before. Even not by professionals.

The only advice which I can give you: please be careful with yourself. Do something good for yourself. May be shopping, meet friends, a new haircut, go to a cinema or what ever you like. Please don't forget by all your concerns for your friend: You have your own life. ((Hugs))

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

While I know nothing about the relationship in real life, this behavior is not typical of someone who is only depressed.
Has he been screened for personality disorders? You said he's been your partner for 10 years. Personality disorders are usually present for a long time, sometimes up til death, and their onset is anywhere from early childhood to early adulthood.
This sounds very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, but being depressed and anxious all the time also tends to make someone not quite rational.
Is he open to counseling? He clearly needs help, and you're suffering.

As someone who has struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder for over a decade, I definitely agree that it sounds like he has undiagnosed BPD. I would definitely recommend getting a second opinion from his therapist. When I finally got my diagnosis, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders because at least then I was able to start taking the steps to try to make it manageable. I'm sorry that you are having to go trough this, it is very unfair of him to blame you for his suicidal tendencies. If you want someone to talk to or have any questions about BPD, feel free to PM me and I'll help the best I can.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

@marceline I think it would do you some good to go to a therapist for a few weeks/months. IMHO living and loving your partner is causing you to have second thoughts about what is right and "normal". I dont mean to offend but not being able to distinguish this and feeling guilted into staying is the beginning of codependency.

Think of the alcoholic child who wants to help his parent while the parent is blaming the child for all of his problems. The child usually feels bad, wants to stay and is trying to find ways to help to regain their parent's affection (simply masked as trying to "help" the parent). However there comes a point where the child must stand up and release the obligation to the sick parent so they can recapture their lives and protect themselves from the emotional abuse the parent is spewing. It is not the child's responsibility, nor is it yours.

There is a very manipulative aspect to your partner's behavior that is keeping you in. It has surpassed the love that you have for him. You now need to begin to focus on YOU first. Even if you choose to stay you can only do it if you are clear between 1) the crap that is his responsibility, and 2) the desire to uphold and support your commitment to him. You can only do this in a healthy relationship where each person is taking responsibility for him/herself and clearly that is not the case for him right now.

I'm glad you found us and decided to post because it means that the fog is lifting and you are beginning to see clearly. 10 years is a long time and you will likely need some support to unravel yourself and get back to the wonderful balanced person you were when you entered the relationship. You may feel guilty during this process. Please know that is a normal part of the codependency aspect of a relationship. It is not your responsibility and you should not feel guilt. You loved him to the best of your ability but as @Soul so eloquently stated love is not enough. You should NOT be made to feel inadequate.

I hope you walk away from this advice (and this relationship) knowing you did the best you could and that you did/ and you are enough. Often times the child of the alcoholic takes a lifetime to realize this. Pat yourself on the back for being strong and knowing when enough is enough. Thats the sure sign of a healthy loving human being who is ready for a loving longtime commitment.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Hi everyone,

The following will be for some not a real problem, I know that a lot of you here have much more severe problems and pain. So sorry if anyone feels bad of that what I wrote. I have no other to tell that.
I signed up here to understand more about mental illness.
I am living with my partner for 10 years who has been depressed for about 3 years. He has had suicide thoughts for about 1.5 years. In the beginning there were always hints like "I'm not there by then anyway", or "everything has no meaning anymore" or the like. Now that has changed over the past six months. He says it much more directly and often in an argument. So if I don't agree with him or want to do something he doesn't like, then there's a threat. He also tells me directly that it is my fault that he is so bad. That he kills himself because of me. I hear that every day now. I am totally confused and do not know what to do. Especially because he is so different. In one moment he is so hurtful and in the next moment he hugs me.
I love him and I have always tried to support him, to help him. But I feel like I'm doing it wrong no matter what I do. I'm always careful not to upset him because I'm afraid that another suicide threat will come.
I've never been suicidal, but I'm at the end. I can't take the daily accusations anymore. At the same time, I love him and I'm afraid of losing him. I'm always scared when I leave the house that when I come back he did it. The night before yesterday he said to me "You are my death. You let me die". This hit me hard. And I am always thinking why? What am I doing wrong... What have I done that he thinks he have to kill himself?
I really don't know what I can do to help him to feel better. :(

You need to be done with him. My gosh I know this hurts to hear but hes not your problem. This is emotional abuse. It fucking destroys you far FARRRR more then physical abuse does. You need to drop him and find peace within yourself. If he kills himself it was NEVER nor will it EVER EVER EVER be YOUR fault

@marceline I think it would do you some good to go to a therapist for a few weeks/months. IMHO living and loving your partner is causing you to have second thoughts about what is right and "normal". I dont mean to offend but not being able to distinguish this and feeling guilted into staying is the beginning of codependency.

Think of the alcoholic child who wants to help his parent while the parent is blaming the child for all of his problems. The child usually feels bad, wants to stay and is trying to find ways to help to regain their parent's affection (simply masked as trying to "help" the parent). However there comes a point where the child must stand up and release the obligation to the sick parent so they can recapture their lives and protect themselves from the emotional abuse the parent is spewing. It is not the child's responsibility, nor is it yours.

There is a very manipulative aspect to your partner's behavior that is keeping you in. It has surpassed the love that you have for him. You now need to begin to focus on YOU first. Even if you choose to stay you can only do it if you are clear between 1) the crap that is his responsibility, and 2) the desire to uphold and support your commitment to him. You can only do this in a healthy relationship where each person is taking responsibility for him/herself and clearly that is not the case for him right now.

I'm glad you found us and decided to post because it means that the fog is lifting and you are beginning to see clearly. 10 years is a long time and you will likely need some support to unravel yourself and get back to the wonderful balanced person you were when you entered the relationship. You may feel guilty during this process. Please know that is a normal part of the codependency aspect of a relationship. It is not your responsibility and you should not feel guilt. You loved him to the best of your ability but as @Soul so eloquently stated love is not enough. You should NOT be made to feel inadequate.

I hope you walk away from this advice (and this relationship) knowing you did the best you could and that you did/ and you are enough. Often times the child of the alcoholic takes a lifetime to realize this. Pat yourself on the back for being strong and knowing when enough is enough. Thats the sure sign of a healthy loving human being who is ready for a loving longtime commitment.

This.

 

[Daffodil]

Your partner is abusive and you should leave.

 

[Moonicide]

Your significant is severely mentally ill and is also abusing you, love. You are not the reason for the way he is today, nor will you ever be the reason for his death. That is such a heavy and horrible thing to say to someone and he needs to unlearn those unhealthy and toxic behaviors in order for you guys to continue this relationship. It's absolutely unhealthy and it will break you in the end, you're already deteriorating over this man. I'm so sorry, love... But we can't fix or save our loved ones. Nor should we ever feel obligated to feel like we do. He's gaslighting and guilt tripping you so hard... You need to start setting boundaries with him and also look into higher level of care for him. Couples therapy, even. If it's possible. But like many people have said, you should eventually leave if this continues... You deserve better, love.

Sending you all of my love and support.

 

[k75]

I know this is easy for me to say, since I'm an outsider, but this relationship has clearly turned toxic. What he's doing to you is emotional abuse and is not right. I understand why you're hesitant to leave, but something has to change for your sake. I'm afraid it's taking a huge toll on your own mental health.

Is it an option to arrange to see his therapist with him? In the past, I've had therapists tell me they could do kind of a couples session if I wanted it. That would allow you to tell his therapist directly how bad things are and make sure he was telling them important things.