Venting Can't deal with college rejection

[labawara]

Before I start to tell my story, I just want to ask for no judgments, I know that a lot of people here really do struggle with problems that seem harder than mine, and I don't want to diminish that or equalize my issues with theirs, however, I would appreciate if you folks could try to see this not as "a phase", "young adult's perspective problem" because this is serious to me. Thank you very much. I would appreciate any comments, (comment pleasee)
So, I just got rejected from my dream college (I don't want to say the name of the university that I applied to because I feel that when I say to people where I want to study, they look at me and think: "OK, it's nice that you do have dreams. But you won't get admitted in there. You're smart, but not 'that smart'".) I am so sad. No, not sad. I'm depressed. I just can't do anything without crying, literally. When I remember the rejection I just want to cry so hard, I mean I didn't want just the reputation of the university, I really wanted the academics and extracurriculars they offer. They're one of two universities in the WORLD that I know that offers the major that I wanted to study, the second being a shithole university in countryside Germany.

I know that some might think: "You're more attached to the idea of college than to what college is." and that isn't true. I know that college is fucking hard, and it's not just "parties". And I wanted that, oh boy, I wanted that so hard. I wanted an academically challenging place, not a place to party. And I know some people might, again, argue that: "But, if you want this, go to any university, and be the best there, if you do this, the name of your university won't matter", but I don't find this helpful, I really can't imagine me studying in a university that I don't like...
A colleague of mine (whom I will call "Ge") was accepted into Harvard, MIT, Oxford, and her dream school: Osaka University, while another colleague ("Fran") was also accepted into his dream school: MIT. I'M LIKE: "JESUS, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? I mean, OK, Ge chose Osaka Uni, that university isn't good compared to Harvard, but at least she HAD THE CHOICE, BUT I DON'T, WHY CAN I HAVE THIS CHOICE?"

Because of this anger/sadness I feel that I'm starting to become an asshole now: I intentionally started to treat people, including really vulnerable people, bad, real bad. But again and again, I just think this: "Why should I care? Why should I fuc*ing care about other people? I mean, aren't the Ivy League+ and Oxbridge students just saving the world and leading us to a utopia? Ending poverty, and discrimination, saving the world from climate hell, all while fighting Big Tech against technological inequality and surveillance? I mean, if they're doing all of that, what I, a shitty, stupid subhuman should do? I shouldn't be here, I'm just occupying worthless space."

Besides all of that, I am so mad at my parents, I feel that they do have low expectations of me and that they really could have done more, they could have been harsher on me, and they could have been angrier with me when I took bad grades at my high school's courses. They could've put me on "performance pills" like Adderall or Vyvanse, (a lot of parents did that to their kids in my high school, seriously, the mother of one of my colleagues ("Pio") made him take Ritalin, if he forgot or didn't want to take his pills his mom would be so pissed off! Although he's attending Sapienza (Italy) now, he was accepted into really good universities (UC Berkeley and Columbia).

Because of all of this, I'm thinking hard about CTB in November. I started to make some plans and I feel I am going to do this. And, when I start to think about it, I become extra sad because I had a lot of dreams and goals in life (I don't want to say them here, because they might sound silly), but, yeah, that's it... (Sorry to stop writing in the middle of the last text, I'm too tired to do the whole argumentation).

Once again, I just wanted to say that I know this sounds silly, but is really hard to me. Since I finished high school, I stayed 2 years self-studying just with this goal in mind: "Getting accepted in *this* University". I'm 21 now, and, honestly, I'm so fuc*ing tired. All of my old classmates are almost finished with college, and I didn't even started.

(English is not my native language, I'm sorry for grammar/spelling errors)

 

[MerryGoDown]

I'm gonna share my own story, briefly:
I graduated high school 3 years early, taking as many AP classes as I could, started my own club, and competed in many academic competitions. I worked hard for a good SAT and ACT score, and among those I knew in my school no one had done better than me. I applied to as many Ivies as possible and to colleges that had an accelerated doctor program, thinking with my track record and background and a minority in three identities I could get in. I wanted to be a doctor as soon as possible, but most of all I wanted to go to Princeton and study plasma physics, which to my knowledge was the only place that offered a degree in such a subject.
I got rejected from everyone.
I barely got into my safeties.
I had told everyone where I was applying. Everyone believed in me. I believed in myself. And I disappointed everyone. I remember I couldn't imagine what it would be like to go back to school, and telling people.i got rejected. To this day, I haven't told them, and I still kinda worry in the back of my mind what they'll think when they realize I am going to the same college they are. I actively wanted to ctb afterwards, started looking into methods, again, and wanted to cry all the time, but the feeling of hiding it from everyone knowing I disappointed them made it even worse. I was angry, at myself, and everyone, for having expectations, and not pushing me hard enough.

I admire you. You have had hope for so long to get into the program of.your dreams. I wish I had that determination. I wish I didn't give up on my dreams. I wish I had pushed myself.harder in high school. I wish my parents signed me up for more activities.when I was younger. I wish they pushed me harder. I wish people pushed me harder.

I hope this makes you feel a little less alone.

I can't believe you're still pushing. That's honestly amazing. If you really want to go to this school, I don't see why you shouldn't try. Keep in mind, when it comes to applications, what matters most is usually the story, not the academics, of your essays. Maybe reexamine what you're trying to tell them? Plenty of perfect 1600s and rigorous academics get rejected because they're not interesting enough to a college.

Sending you so much love.

 

[labawara]

(I don't know how to start a private conversation here, or if it's actually possible, so I'll publicly reply, lol).

I do think I have a good story, I didn't write essays about things that I just pretented to care, you know? I talked about digital surveillance and this unfair moment that we need to give up our privacy for increasingly BASIC SERVICES. "Oh, you want to make a online payment and don't want to wait in line? Of course you can do this, but you need to accept this privacy policy and allow us to track all of your purchases so we can create a profile on you." "Oh, you want to connect with other humans or search something on internet? Okay, you can do all of that, but we will need your data." You know, this kind of things annoy me so much! We should have acess to the best of the modern world without having to pay such high prices. But, I talked about this on my essays, and they didn't care. I think that what fucked me up was the recommendation letters from my teacher. Altough it's been some years since I left, I think they still remember how "rebel" I was, LOL. (Just to clarify I didn't bother anyone at school, really, I just stayed at my desks, silent, studying in-depth things that I thought were more important, like math and reading, which I though, and still think, are the basis for everything). This topic just touches me so deep, I don't use social media, Google or any of that just because I don't agree with this unfair "quid pro quo", however, they didn't care, and this leads me to think: "should I care?"