Venting Can't believe myself

[Reflection]

So I had a break from university between semesters, and instead of taking it to just rest and try to enjoy whatever time I have left I decided to apply for a one month internship with a 1 hour commute for one of the dumbest reasons imaginable: Mostly because I wanted to see my ex girlfriend. I know this is borderline idiotic and yet here I am.

 

[human909]

If you really don't want to do this or make anything awkward, is it still possible for you to leave the internship that you applied for? Because I do know it's possible for for some universities.

 

[Jadeith]

First - big bro hug
Second - we do dumb things because of equally dumb reasons. Everyone does. Don't beat yourself because of that. Now that you have a little clearer line of thoughts, just calculate - do you really want/need that internship? Is your ex enough reason to suffer through the internship? I said "suffer" because you don't seem to be overly happy about it. Do you have chance achieving what you want with your ex? Consider her position too because what you want might not be the same thing she wants.

 

[Reflection]

First - big bro hug
Second - we do dumb things because of equally dumb reasons. Everyone does. Don't beat yourself because of that. Now that you have a little clearer line of thoughts, just calculate - do you really want/need that internship? Is your ex enough reason to suffer through the internship? I said "suffer" because you don't seem to be overly happy about it. Do you have chance achieving what you want with your ex? Consider her position too because what you want might not be the same thing she wants.

While I don't really need the intership, I feel like it's a somewhat good thing to do especially given that I am basically trying to unfuck my life as a last ditch effort because I don't want to find myself behind in life and having screwed up opportunities if things do eventually get better and I'm no longer suicidal. As for my ex, well that's the whole reason I've been feeling suicidal for about a year and a half now, and even though we're on good terms I know that everything might go down the gutter eventually if she moves on to someone else which really sucks because I am not actually depressed, it's just a shitty circumstance that keeps gnawing at me everyday and I know I won't be able to ignore it and carry on anymore once the worst case scenario happens.

 

[Jadeith]

Hmmm... the need to unfuck your life, to do something in attempt to crawl out of shithole you found yourself in, is good , healthy symptom and internship is as good method as any to do so.
But - this internship in particular involves the very source of your problem. Ex. You wrote that you are on good terms but, since she's your ex, she's no longer obliged to consider your feelings nor is expected to not to move onto someone else. So, by moving physically closer and observing her, you literally lay yourself with bare chest, waiting for the proverbial blade to dig into your heart and destroy you in the process. Yes, self-harm doesn't have to be physical. Can be mental too (don't ask how i know). Be very careful, man, as some wounds may never heal.

 

[Reflection]

Hmmm... the need to unfuck your life, to do something in attempt to crawl out of shithole you found yourself in, is good , healthy symptom and internship is as good method as any to do so.
But - this internship in particular involves the very source of your problem. Ex. You wrote that you are on good terms but, since she's your ex, she's no longer obliged to consider your feelings nor is expected to not to move onto someone else. So, by moving physically closer and observing her, you literally lay yourself with bare chest, waiting for the proverbial blade to dig into your heart and destroy you in the process. Yes, self-harm doesn't have to be physical. Can be mental too (don't ask how i know). Be very careful, man, as some wounds may never heal.

After a few days in, it really doesn't make a difference whether she's there or not, the damage has already been done. And to be honest us being on good terms feels nothing more than a farce.

After about a year and a half I think I have given up on moving on or her reconciling, though I know that ascertaining that she moved on to someone else would absolutely destroy me, which is fine because atleast then I wouldn't have any reason to keep dragging myself any longer, till then I still have more time to "enjoy".

 

[Jadeith]

If it doesn't make any difference if she's there or not, why the act of her moving onto someone else would have would have such devastating effect?
Kinda waiting for her to "deliver finishing blow" by finding next partner so you'd get the reason to off yourself but on the other hand her presence has no effect?
Am i misinterpreting something? Sorry, English is not my main...

 

[Reflection]

If it doesn't make any difference if she's there or not, why the act of her moving onto someone else would have would have such devastating effect?
Kinda waiting for her to "deliver finishing blow" by finding next partner so you'd get the reason to off yourself but on the other hand her presence has no effect?
Am i misinterpreting something? Sorry, English is not my main...

It's because it's been too long that I got used to her absence and I can be really fine on my own, but when you add the dimension of betrayal to the loss it just makes it go to shit even more, it's not "she's not here anymore", it's " she's with someone else living the life you always wanted with her". I can live with the former but the second one is just even more torture for me, especially given we were each others' firsts.

 

[fallingtopieces]

It's always difficult being firsts. I don't mean to be harsh, but firsts are not meant to be lasts. Which is not to say it doesn't happen. But people grow over time and you learn more about yourself and that includes what you want and don't want from another partner. The idea that there is only a single person out there in the vast multitudes that is 'the one' is frankly mathematically not sound. The best thing we can do is learn from our relationships and get back out there. If you have love to give there is more than one person out there for you. My first was difficult to get over, and we were each others firsts as well. In fact both of us thought we would end up together. I was stuck with heartache for some time, for too long. She did in fact find someone else during this period. I also made the mistake of trying to be nearer post-breakup which is never a good idea. It was rough but looking back i know i lost a lot of time being stuck in this heartache. But from that first relationship i also eventually learned the value of reflecting on a relationship, the need for mourning its end, and especially focusing on my part in it. I'm sorry for what you're feeling, but I do believe there are other people out there for you.

 

[Reflection]

It's always difficult being firsts. I don't mean to be harsh, but firsts are not meant to be lasts. Which is not to say it doesn't happen. But people grow over time and you learn more about yourself and that includes what you want and don't want from another partner. The idea that there is only a single person out there in the vast multitudes that is 'the one' is frankly mathematically not sound. The best thing we can do is learn from our relationships and get back out there. If you have love to give there is more than one person out there for you. My first was difficult to get over, and we were each others firsts as well. In fact both of us thought we would end up together. I was stuck with heartache for some time, for too long. She did in fact find someone else during this period. I also made the mistake of trying to be nearer post-breakup which is never a good idea. It was rough but looking back i know i lost a lot of time being stuck in this heartache. But from that first relationship i also eventually learned the value of reflecting on a relationship, the need for mourning its end, and especially focusing on my part in it. I'm sorry for what you're feeling, but I do believe there are other people out there for you.

Nothing is guaranteed in this world anyway, I don't believe in "soulmates" or any of that and I think that saying that first aren't meant to be lasts is just as wrong as saying they are meant to be. I just know that I loved that person with my all and that's that. A relationship isn't what I'm sad about, I'm sad about a person that I care about, otherwise I could jump into another relationship and keep shuffling the cards until I land on "the person" for me, who may exist, may not exist. And even if they did, they could never be a replacement nor change the situation.