Venting can't be who i want to be

[nails]

is there any point in living if you have no chance to be who you want to be? i can't see myself ever being happy, no matter how much my life improves. even if i'm able to achieve every goal and dream that i have, it doesn't really matter because one the simplest aspects of my being isn't one that i agree with.
no matter how happy i become, i'll always have that lingering discomfort that just gets worse with time. i've spent my entire life attacking it from all angles, that only makes it worse. ignoring it is impossible. i can imitate my dream self all i want, it doesn't change shit. i'll forever be burdened b the knowledge of what i truly am.

this is such a cruel joke. why would i be put in a body that i can't even feel content in? there's no point in living like this.

 

[over2025]

I'm disfigured so I'll never be allowed to be who I want to be or live the life I always dreamed of. I have a permanent problem so I need a permanent solution.

If yours is at all temporary, then consider not CTB. As someone who's always wanted to live but is being driven to death by my condition, I wish I could have any other problem than this one. Just offering an alternative perspective.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

This is the exact same feelings I had when I realized everything I did for my body dysmorphia that was created from my youth wasn't enough and it'd never be fixed, especially when this world puts so much emphasis in beauty, wealth, and prioritizing marriage, yet they can't even understand that bodies after they can not be cared for the way we tried to is hard to fix alone, and they know this but secretly want us to go crazy kissing their asses because they know they will shun us unless we're cancer patients or on our death beds where we have more love, but if we are alive and in good health or survivors, you think they'd care, but they make it more about themselves than about what we suffer from. It's maddening and sick how much I wasted so much of my life and tears on something not worth living for and still being abused in the process.

 

[extremelytired1]

is there any point in living if you have no chance to be who you want to be? i can't see myself ever being happy, no matter how much my life improves. even if i'm able to achieve every goal and dream that i have, it doesn't really matter because one the simplest aspects of my being isn't one that i agree with.
no matter how happy i become, i'll always have that lingering discomfort that just gets worse with time. i've spent my entire life attacking it from all angles, that only makes it worse. ignoring it is impossible. i can imitate my dream self all i want, it doesn't change shit. i'll forever be burdened b the knowledge of what i truly am.

this is such a cruel joke. why would i be put in a body that i can't even feel content in? there's no point in living like this.

I promise you you're not alone there. You mentioned one of the simplest aspects of your being not being one that you agree with, but for thousands of years humans have attempted to reconcile themselves with the natural world and society. Whatever you're going through, I'm sure there are support groups or places of solidarity. We all have things we dislike about ourselves and feel don't make us worthy but often it's people's imperfections that make them beautiful. Give it some time, sit with it and think about things. In all likelihood you're much more than you give yourself credit for.

 

[Hojag]

I can relate to this feeling. If I stare myself for too long at the mirror, I may end up having a panic crisis, not being able to talk or move and/or driving a knife through my face until I'm satisfied(?).

I was born with a little problem. I have no solid answers from doctors for 10 years now, because it makes no sense and any test I do shows ""normal"" results. Well, I'm not normal, neither healthy. Not that I'm planning it for soon, but my girlfriend and I are together for years now and I just wish I could give her my gametes - but I can't.

This aspect, specifically, makes me shake in rage and panic when I think too hard. I'll never be able to be the biological father of my hypothetical children (if things go right and I survive) and it makes me so, so sad. I realized I will hate everything about me forever, though... it's like a swing. Some days, I feel good enough to even appear in pictures. Other days, I don't want to leave home (most of days, ATM).

But I believe everything in life is like a (fucking) swing. I can't say I know everything you feel, because we are different and unique, but I can say this strong sadness and ache you feel now can also vanish without the need of a bus. Not that they will vanish forever, because they always return at some point... Just wanted you to feel heard, without pression.

Apologies if my comment only got you worse. Wish you feel better.