Help Can’t afford rehab what are my choices anymore

[LilKSA]

"Excuse my formatting I'm on mobile"

My name is Scott. I've been a Sex Addict for nearly 10 years now. I'm young only a few years out of high school and this is honestly hell. I'm living on my parents money, can't hold down a job because of the addiction and have been fighting nearly everyday of the last 5 years to beat this thing.

I'm a full blown sex addict. Sex, porn, sexting, literally all of it

Before I go forward a list of all I have done

1. Blocked all electronic site from porn and social media so I couldn't hit up anybody
2. Meditation, reading, being social, working out
3. 12 step groups
4. Worked a job for 3 months
5. Daily meetings and therapy twice a week
6. Multiple different drugs
7. Lied about being a alcoholic to my insurance to get into rehabs on 3 desperate occasions
8. Dwelled deeply into religion.
9. Helped a lot of other people
10. Tried forgetting I was a addict
11. Location change
12. Major location change
13. No internet what so ever
14. 12 steps themselves
15. Giving up control of my life
16. Letting God give his messages through other people
17. Not focusing on myself so Much
    I am burnt, I have put over 30,000 hours of my life with one goal in mind. I have tried every thought process you can think of every belief system, every action, every spiritual based change and nothing has worked

So here is where I'm at. I am 100% suicidal, I am in a weird position. For a long time I hated myself, on the 2nd rehab trip I met a really cool person who taught me to not hate myself anymore. Like honestly I really do love myself. I have flaws but I've never been a bad person and a lot of times have gone out of my way to help other people when it wouldn't be repaid(not trying to be narcissistic just explaining where I'm at)
Honestly it feels like I am being forced to have to kill myself. 2 months ago I lost control. The pain was so great that I disconnected from myself and it feels like something else took over. I stole 500$ from my parents and left a suicide not and decided to drive to the Oregon coast to see it then kill myself. It's the first time the fear of the unknown wasn't a factor I was so far gone that I was ready to kill my self. It's the first time it wasn't a cry for help.
2 days into the trip I kinda came back from my psychosis and called my mom and drove back home and decided I would give it the best try I could. I blocked every device and was 100% honest about every way I could think to break those blocks. Went to 8 meeting. Started step 1. Went to therapy 2 times. Worked out everyday. Meditated everyday. Prayed every day. Opened up to other people when I felt a urge. Was empathetic to myself

I made it 7 days


I can't live this soulless existence anymore
Video game, porn, nicotine, YouTube binges make up my everyday now. I'm unable to move even though I have literally given 110%

The final straw was when I decided to go out driving 1 night to clear my head and think about things like I always do. I try to be as honest with myself as I can. I asked myself multiple questions.
Are you just being lazy? No
Are you just doing this so you don't have to grow up? No
Are you just doing this so you don't have to work a job? No
Do you want to work a job? Yes

Have you really and I mean really tried your hardest at this? Yes

Some people don't understand what it's like to be stuck with a unbeatable disease. My ability to choose my own life has been taken away from me. I don't have a choice it's either Learn to live with this thing or give in and slowly lose my mind until I kill myself or lose all control and hurt someone

I have one real try left in me. I gave up 2 weeks ago. It's unbeatable with my current knowledge and understanding of the world. My last chance is getting into a Sex Addiction specific inpatient rehab

Except

My parent don't make a lot of money
Insurance doesn't pay for sex addiction because it's just now coming into the mainstream


I try not to blame my parents, I try really hard not to. But there is just so much anger. I won't go into how my dad was abusive but he was. I just don't know what to do. My mom keeps constantly saying "if I could pay for it I would" but how do I respond to that? "Thanks for the thought mom it's totally cool, I meant I'm definitely gonna lose my mind and kill myself if I don't get serious help, but I understand"

Thoughts about manipulating and guilt tripping have been running rampant.

"what would you do if it was cancer, you understand both are fatal right"
"Why did you have a kid when you don't have the money to support one"
"Why have I told you about this for 5 years and you've never once took it seriously"
"You do realize the last suicide thing wasn't a cry for help right I nearly did it"

I don't want to manipulate to get help. I've done that my entire life but I just don't know what else to do. I don't want to be this person anymore I'm slowing growing into a worse person day by day the more I sit in this addiction

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm close to selling drugs or seriously robbing someone to get the money.

Thought about fundraising but seeing as sex addiction is not taken seriously yet that would bomb because it's around 50,000 for the help I would need


I'm fucking deseperate

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I admire you so much and it helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings though I'm too inhibited to take life by the horns like you do but it really is amazing <3 I am trying to megadose magnesium which is like an antipsychotic in a way but it only helps some, I often feel on the manic side myself and I also drove to the Oregon coast not long after my mother died and drove through Portland and Seattle and so on sleeping at rest stops, it was amazing but I was psychotic indeed <3 Diphenhydramine helps a little but then too much and I'm worse off, niacin it's like an alchemy thing or something, then kundalini fears the other day when I was taking dxm so I prayed to not let it emerge lest it destroy me I was burning up and believed Jesus granted me a wish but then I go back to reading all this new age stuff with chakras I don't know <3 It is confusing gut biome connection micro plastics conspiracy theories aliens and nazi apologists up is down and down is up depending on who you talk to but love is still where it's at but it only goes so far I know like you said helping people helps but only so much <3 It's like riding a noodly dragon in space well good luck sorry I rambled <3

 

[LilKSA]

I admire you so much and it helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings though I'm too inhibited to take life by the horns like you do but it really is amazing <3 I am trying to megadose magnesium which is like an antipsychotic in a way but it only helps some, I often feel on the manic side myself and I also drove to the Oregon coast not long after my mother died and drove through Portland and Seattle and so on sleeping at rest stops, it was amazing but I was psychotic indeed <3 Diphenhydramine helps a little but then too much and I'm worse off, niacin it's like an alchemy thing or something, then kundalini fears the other day when I was taking dxm so I prayed to not let it emerge lest it destroy me I was burning up and believed Jesus granted me a wish but then I go back to reading all this new age stuff with chakras I don't know <3 It is confusing gut biome connection micro plastics conspiracy theories aliens and nazi apologists up is down and down is up depending on who you talk to but love is still where it's at but it only goes so far I know like you said helping people helps but only so much <3 It's like riding a noodly dragon in space well good luck sorry I rambled <3

Yeah. I meant honestly. I try not to be bitter but even when I took life by the horns and did everything right I still fucked up. I've tried different beliefs. I'm a big fan of the game life is strange and wanted to see Oregon before I died. I also tried the "mental health" is the primary problem route and tried 2 different bipolar meds, 2 depression meds, and anxiety med, 2 different type of adhd meds and none of those worked. Also tried CBD. Nothing seems to work man. I admitted I had a problem 5 years ago and have never sat in this addiction willingly

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Yeah. I meant honestly. I try not to be bitter but even when I took life by the horns and did everything right I still fucked up. I've tried different beliefs. I'm a big fan of the game life is strange and wanted to see Oregon before I died. I also tried the "mental health" is the primary problem route and tried 2 different bipolar meds, 2 depression meds, and anxiety med, 2 different type of adhd meds and none of those worked. Also tried CBD. Nothing seems to work man. I admitted I had a problem 5 years ago and have never sat in this addiction willingly

Yeah it's a wild ride that's for sure, sometimes in my mania or hypomania feelings I try to wonder if we are just the way we are meant to be and there is no free will, but we are loved though we see so much tragedy in this world like it's the soul love and higher vibration thing I don't know but it's good to hear you've tried so much and still haven't found a clear answer sometimes I wonder if I wanted a clear answer but yeah I'm confused I just took 105 mg dxm and ice water and 1.5 grams vitamin C and good conventionality aren't those forests beautiful <3

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I used to go to a clinic for Vitamin C IV's that was treating addicts with amino acid therapy. I met a guy there that was doing the therapy for porn addiction. IDK what the success rate is. Here is an article that explains how it works. It was expensive but maybe a high protein diet would help as that would give you a lot of amino acids or maybe the sex addiction insurance would cover it.

Healing the Addicted Brain with Amino Acids

We are all affected in some way by addiction, whether our own or that of someone we care about. Yet no physical disorder that affects so many of us in so many ways is ...

www.selfgrowth.com

 

[LilKSA]

I used to go to a clinic for Vitamin C IV's that was treating addicts with amino acid therapy. I met a guy there that was doing the therapy for porn addiction. IDK what the success rate is. Here is an article that explains how it works. It was expensive but maybe a high protein diet would help as that would give you a lot of amino acids or maybe the sex addiction insurance would cover it.

Healing the Addicted Brain with Amino Acids

We are all affected in some way by addiction, whether our own or that of someone we care about. Yet no physical disorder that affects so many of us in so many ways is ...

www.selfgrowth.com

I've tried this already sadly. Or kinda I wat taking 150g of protein a day plus amino acid silos

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

@[B]LilKSA[/B] all od these things sound like dopamine inducing behaviors. Is it possible you have ADHD or another diagnosis that creates severe dopamine deficiency? I would try a drug in that family.

I've never had any addictions that affected me so heavily however I had a few some that could be viewed as positive and negative all of which were done in an effort to cure perpetual boredom or create exciting feelings and a zest for life.


Have you ever tried a silent retreat? Your brain may need to level set by removing yourself from everything

 

[Final Escape]

"Excuse my formatting I'm on mobile"

My name is Scott. I've been a Sex Addict for nearly 10 years now. I'm young only a few years out of high school and this is honestly hell. I'm living on my parents money, can't hold down a job because of the addiction and have been fighting nearly everyday of the last 5 years to beat this thing.

I'm a full blown sex addict. Sex, porn, sexting, literally all of it

Before I go forward a list of all I have done

1. Blocked all electronic site from porn and social media so I couldn't hit up anybody
2. Meditation, reading, being social, working out
3. 12 step groups
4. Worked a job for 3 months
5. Daily meetings and therapy twice a week
6. Multiple different drugs
7. Lied about being a alcoholic to my insurance to get into rehabs on 3 desperate occasions
8. Dwelled deeply into religion.
9. Helped a lot of other people
10. Tried forgetting I was a addict
11. Location change
12. Major location change
13. No internet what so ever
14. 12 steps themselves
15. Giving up control of my life
16. Letting God give his messages through other people
17. Not focusing on myself so Much
    I am burnt, I have put over 30,000 hours of my life with one goal in mind. I have tried every thought process you can think of every belief system, every action, every spiritual based change and nothing has worked

So here is where I'm at. I am 100% suicidal, I am in a weird position. For a long time I hated myself, on the 2nd rehab trip I met a really cool person who taught me to not hate myself anymore. Like honestly I really do love myself. I have flaws but I've never been a bad person and a lot of times have gone out of my way to help other people when it wouldn't be repaid(not trying to be narcissistic just explaining where I'm at)
Honestly it feels like I am being forced to have to kill myself. 2 months ago I lost control. The pain was so great that I disconnected from myself and it feels like something else took over. I stole 500$ from my parents and left a suicide not and decided to drive to the Oregon coast to see it then kill myself. It's the first time the fear of the unknown wasn't a factor I was so far gone that I was ready to kill my self. It's the first time it wasn't a cry for help.
2 days into the trip I kinda came back from my psychosis and called my mom and drove back home and decided I would give it the best try I could. I blocked every device and was 100% honest about every way I could think to break those blocks. Went to 8 meeting. Started step 1. Went to therapy 2 times. Worked out everyday. Meditated everyday. Prayed every day. Opened up to other people when I felt a urge. Was empathetic to myself

I made it 7 days


I can't live this soulless existence anymore
Video game, porn, nicotine, YouTube binges make up my everyday now. I'm unable to move even though I have literally given 110%

The final straw was when I decided to go out driving 1 night to clear my head and think about things like I always do. I try to be as honest with myself as I can. I asked myself multiple questions.
Are you just being lazy? No
Are you just doing this so you don't have to grow up? No
Are you just doing this so you don't have to work a job? No
Do you want to work a job? Yes

Have you really and I mean really tried your hardest at this? Yes

Some people don't understand what it's like to be stuck with a unbeatable disease. My ability to choose my own life has been taken away from me. I don't have a choice it's either Learn to live with this thing or give in and slowly lose my mind until I kill myself or lose all control and hurt someone

I have one real try left in me. I gave up 2 weeks ago. It's unbeatable with my current knowledge and understanding of the world. My last chance is getting into a Sex Addiction specific inpatient rehab

Except

My parent don't make a lot of money
Insurance doesn't pay for sex addiction because it's just now coming into the mainstream


I try not to blame my parents, I try really hard not to. But there is just so much anger. I won't go into how my dad was abusive but he was. I just don't know what to do. My mom keeps constantly saying "if I could pay for it I would" but how do I respond to that? "Thanks for the thought mom it's totally cool, I meant I'm definitely gonna lose my mind and kill myself if I don't get serious help, but I understand"

Thoughts about manipulating and guilt tripping have been running rampant.

"what would you do if it was cancer, you understand both are fatal right"
"Why did you have a kid when you don't have the money to support one"
"Why have I told you about this for 5 years and you've never once took it seriously"
"You do realize the last suicide thing wasn't a cry for help right I nearly did it"

I don't want to manipulate to get help. I've done that my entire life but I just don't know what else to do. I don't want to be this person anymore I'm slowing growing into a worse person day by day the more I sit in this addiction

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm close to selling drugs or seriously robbing someone to get the money.

Thought about fundraising but seeing as sex addiction is not taken seriously yet that would bomb because it's around 50,000 for the help I would need


I'm fucking deseperate

Well I would start with eliminating your use of porn which is going to be a shock at first and u will feel depressed until u get used to it. Focus on the things you can control first. Like write down when u want to act on the desire, what environments and feelings increase the risk u will act on your compulsion. I think it's probably not a big deal if you masturbate like once a day bc at that age men are pretty highly interested in sex and have frequent urges to masturbate. You should focus on reducing the triggers, don't worry if u can't gain control over this overnight. Are you using amphetamines? ADD drugs will increase the urge so that might be an issue. I know it made me way more sexually reckless and increased desire to masturbate. Weed will do it too.

Maybe you really don't want to quit, this could be an issue as well. I mean you do but it's hard because you haven't found something else to replace it. I've found it hard to give up addictions because I don't see any way to give my life meaning or I don't feel capable of sticking with goals towards something more rewarding in the long run. Have u ever found a sex addict meeting? I guess they have those but I've never been. Probably don't exist everywhere but more likely in a good sized city. You could try the self authoring program by Dr. Jordan Peterson. It's a way to help u get on track in your life. Good program not really expensive online.

 

[Ruffian]

Well I would start with eliminating your use of porn which is going to be a shock at first and u will feel depressed until u get used to it. Focus on the things you can control first. Like write down when u want to act on the desire, what environments and feelings increase the risk u will act on your compulsion. I think it's probably not a big deal if you masturbate like once a day bc at that age men are pretty highly interested in sex and have frequent urges to masturbate. You should focus on reducing the triggers, don't worry if u can't gain control over this overnight. Are you using amphetamines? ADD drugs will increase the urge so that might be an issue. I know it made me way more sexually reckless and increased desire to masturbate. Weed will do it too.

Maybe you really don't want to quit, this could be an issue as well. I mean you do but it's hard because you haven't found something else to replace it. I've found it hard to give up addictions because I don't see any way to give my life meaning or I don't feel capable of sticking with goals towards something more rewarding in the long run. Have u ever found a sex addict meeting? I guess they have those but I've never been. Probably don't exist everywhere but more likely in a good sized city. You could try the self authoring program by Dr. Jordan Peterson. It's a way to help u get on track in your life. Good program not really expensive online.

I think the OP pretty well established that mainstream tactics have been exhausted. I know you're coming from a place of the right intention, it's just that like everywhere else, some of us are sicker than others. And that saying is an AA thing, which bugs the fucking shit out of me because AA is filled with the most soul crushing and dysfunctional people on the planet. So I'm sure a sex addiction 12 step fellowship must be mind boggling if you're trying to be a real person.

OP we have had so many similar circumstances I lost count and I have to log out of Sanctioned Suicide. I just realized I've been on here for an hour, and I have shit to do. Please feel absolutely free to PM me any time you want. I see 2 immediate strengths in you.

1. YOU'RE A NATURAL AT WRITING. I used to teach English, I know. Did you ever think of just turning yourself into a kind of character so when you're detached from yourself you can kind of narrate what's going on?

2. You worked for 3 months straight. With all your bullshit going on that is an accomplishment that deserves a medal. I've walked off jobs after 3 days when I was your age. And came back on payday to make sure I got my check. I still can't work consistently, but I keep trying. I'm pretty sure no job will let you watch porn. And if you only get a 1/2 hr break hopefully you'll choose food over taking your phone into the bathroom. I'm not a sex addict, but bipolar manias make you so sexually charged real sex is never the same. It's pretty scary, I've just been fortunate that I don't go outside of a relationship to act on it.

I could say a lot more, but I have chores and some writing to do. Plus apply for welfare (yes, my life is complete shit,) and look for a menial job, which is all I can handle with a Master's degree. I just got deja vu. Oh yeah, and not kill myself. I don't think I can physically do it in my apartment though, and I definitely don't want my boyfriend to find me. I want my locals to find me in my Fuck the Police T-Shirt cuz they put my business on the street and made me a laughing stock.

PM me all you want, son. I need a new PM partner because one ctb while I was in treatment. But we said goodbye long before I knew the particulars of their plan. I miss our philosophical musings and they were a dear friend.

 

[Final Escape]

Yea just tryin to help I did read that he tried much of the typical stuff. That self authoring thing I do believe could help him though. He's very young and spending some time on that every day would give him something meaningful to work at. It's a project to help u move towards what u want out of life. To align your goals and direction to lasting rewards.

 

[LilKSA]

Well I would start with eliminating your use of porn which is going to be a shock at first and u will feel depressed until u get used to it. Focus on the things you can control first. Like write down when u want to act on the desire, what environments and feelings increase the risk u will act on your compulsion. I think it's probably not a big deal if you masturbate like once a day bc at that age men are pretty highly interested in sex and have frequent urges to masturbate. You should focus on reducing the triggers, don't worry if u can't gain control over this overnight. Are you using amphetamines? ADD drugs will increase the urge so that might be an issue. I know it made me way more sexually reckless and increased desire to masturbate. Weed will do it too.

Maybe you really don't want to quit, this could be an issue as well. I mean you do but it's hard because you haven't found something else to replace it. I've found it hard to give up addictions because I don't see any way to give my life meaning or I don't feel capable of sticking with goals towards something more rewarding in the long run. Have u ever found a sex addict meeting? I guess they have those but I've never been. Probably don't exist everywhere but more likely in a good sized city. You could try the self authoring program by Dr. Jordan Peterson. It's a way to help u get on track in your life. Good program not really expensive online.

Again in the nicest way possible I have everything you told me to do already check Marked. Have tried that strategy multiple times

 

[pole]

Jesus sorry. i feel rehab for any sort of disease or issue and illness should somehow be free. we shouldn't be denied help, or wanting to better ourselves simply because some don't have the money. its absolutely stupid.

you've tried EVERYTHING, and i think even giving you advice on trying other things isnt gonna help. the main issue here is MONEY. so have you asked literally everyone you can for it, have you tried perhaps taking a potential loan from the bank, etc? Im sure theres literally gotta be a way with getting the money, but you just gotta figure it out. I hope you find a way, you dont deserve to be denied in trying to get better over money.

 

[Final Escape]

Again in the nicest way possible I have everything you told me to do already check Marked. Have tried that strategy multiple times

Lol! I apologize I'm on speed so I'm little cray cray because of it. Sorry if I'm annoying as fck on here lately.