Venting Cannot Go Back to Inpatient

[cassxtho]

God, I wish I had SN. Nothing I want more then to CTB, but everyone is watching me like a hawk. I would rather live a meaningless life then go back to inpatient again. SUICIDE IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS. Depression and other things that may cloud your judgement are... People who are suicidal are so often labelled as depressed, but sometimes certain people are not meant to live. Sometimes I suffer from depressive episodes so bad I physically cannot move, but even when I am clear and happy with myself as a person I still would rather die. Of course, failing again would mean getting packed in with some of the most insufferable people I have ever meant. I am sympathetic to their struggles, and I have met people I genuinely respect during my stay there but being denied my own autonomy and having to tolerate people having psychotic episodes (or who were generally annoying...) has probably set me back further then if someone had actually just put me in therapy and given me a little trust, which wouldn't have helped much either but is preferable.

I hate preventionists so much because of this. Suicidal people are not children, if a person tries to commit don't treat them as such. If somebody cannot handle their life, ask yourself whether or not death would be more beneficial to them. If you don't think it is, then why would hiding all their knives, forcing them into what is basically a daycare, or constantly hanging over their shoulder help them?

Makes me so angry ffs.

 

[jodes2]

Well said. Suicidal people deserve more respect

 

[BipolarExpress]

Psych hospitals aren't particularly helpful for people with unambiguous mental illnesses, either. They're jails by another name.

 

[cassxtho]

Psych hospitals aren't particularly helpful for people with unambiguous mental illnesses, either. They're jails by another name.

Couldn't have said it better myself. The only people who seem to consistently benefit them are ones who purposefully get themselves checked in to temporarily escape abusive situations. Even then, I feel as though they don't get the respect/resources the deserve.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. Hospitals are evil. Wishing you the strength to get through this unscathed till they back off.

 

[Unending]

Countless times I have checked myself in voluntarily due to desperation and what feels like constant nudges from society and "professionals" telling me that this is what I should do. I think after this last time, I will be ashamed of myself and regretful to ever make the same mistake again. There was essentially not a single positive thing about it and with so much panic and exacerbated depression in there, even the neutral parts of my stay just felt as if they did not exist and it was just a human hell. Anyone can call me dramatic and attention seeking if they want but they would empathize heavily if they went through this experience. Speaking of calling me dramatic and attention seeking, the staff sure did despite my being extra respectful and mindful towards them in acknowledgement of how overworked they were, not to mention them having the ability to decide how pleasurable or painful my stay would be. I empathize bigtime with how hard it is having to cope with being stuck in there around people who are unpredictable or aggressive due to their instability. It can really bring up old trauma on top of the initial issues.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Countless times I have checked myself in voluntarily due to desperation and what feels like constant nudges from society and "professionals" telling me that this is what I should do. I think after this last time, I will be ashamed of myself and regretful to ever make the same mistake again. There was essentially not a single positive thing about it and with so much panic and exacerbated depression in there, even the neutral parts of my stay just felt as if they did not exist and it was just a human hell. Anyone can call me dramatic and attention seeking if they want but they would empathize heavily if they went through this experience. Speaking of calling me dramatic and attention seeking, the staff sure did despite my being extra respectful and mindful towards them in acknowledgement of how overworked they were, not to mention them having the ability to decide how pleasurable or painful my stay would be. I empathize bigtime with how hard it is having to cope with being stuck in there around people who are unpredictable or aggressive due to their instability. It can really bring up old trauma on top of the initial issues.

I'm sorry. I understand. Your story is as terrible as it is ordinary. Most of the staff couldn't care less about the patients.

 

[Forever Sleep]

A family member has been in and out of psychiatric facilities most of their life. (Not entirely sure of their diagnosis but I'm guessing depression with self harm concerns.) I've heard the same- that it was a deeply troubling experience for them because of witnessing incidents from the poor people who had far more severe problems. It's awful to suggest those most severly inflicted need to be segregated from everyone else but it does make me wonder whether it contributes to making less severely inflicted people's trauma even worse witnissing distressing and even violent behaviour.

Honestly, I can't see living conditions in the world improving so it wouldn't surprise me if the number of people suffering with depression and suicidal ideation increases. Makes me wonder if- in future, there will be varying levels of the 'psych ward'- to cope with the very severe cases separately to the 'milder' ones- or ones that show less symptoms.

Maybe this already happens- I don't really know but it's kind of shocking to hear so many people on here saying that they feel like they came out of these facilities even worse off and being terrified of being sent back. I'm sorry you have suffered so much.

 

[FuneralCry]

Psych wards really do sound like horrific places to me. I don't personally see how they could ever be beneficial in any way. It is the truth that some people are simply not meant for living, after all we were all forced into a life that we never asked for and of course existing is not going to appeal or be bearable to every single person in this world. Wanting suicide can be a perfectly rational response to seeing life for what it really is and I personally despise existing in every single way.

This is simply the reality and all those who expect everyone to suffer until they deteriorate from old age and wish to deny options of suicide methods really are insane to me. For me personally, peaceful nonexistence will always be preferable to any kind of life and I should be able to easily and peacefully achieve the freedom that I wish for.