HungryGhost
Member
- Jul 6, 2020
- 25
I dont even know why I'm writing this or how its going to help me. Im in a really bad place.
I live in a nursing home, I'm 20 but i have brain damage from a brain injury, severe me/cfs, a couple of other chronic diseases. cptsd as well from childhood full of torture and abandonment.
Background A few months ago there was an instance when one of the male nurses here was acting physically violent towards me, he would yell at me and say abusive hurtful things, and he physically hurt me. After the situation he threatened me to keep my mouth shut about it and that nobodys going to believe me if tell someone . Luckily i managed to record (part of it) otherwise it would have been just my word against his.
I reported it..so he got a warning, after that he apologized to me about his behavior and told me he had "miscalculated the situation" and he promised to not to hurt me again. I tought it was so weird becaise when he apologized it felt like i was talking to a different person. It made me think that earlier he might have been drunk or something (he has told me he has an alcohol problem) It felt like he was genuinely sorry.
Now its been a couple of months. he hasn't hurt me again. i still i cannot trust him. He is constantly breaking my boundaries physically - touching me, stroking my hair, face etc etc. Its not sexual but it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. He is a man in his 50s twice my size. I absolutely hate being touched, hugged etc because of the years and years of trauma and abuse. everytime when somebody touches me i just freeze.
I also have severe chronic pain and it really hurts when someone or something touches me, my skin is super sensitive, even the clothes that i'm wearing right now hurts me. I'm in severe pain all the time. He doesn't believe me when i tell him. He says "no you are not hurting, stop exaggerating "
Also because of the covid situation we should be social distancing. Often times he doesn't even wear his mask properly (only covers his mouth) . It makes me so terrified bc i really dont want to get the virus. Im too scared to tell him to stop, I'm terrified that he might get angry again and rape me or something. I'm too terrified to say anything, i just freeze, internally i'm screaming but no words come out of my mouth .This place is a huge facility and the rooms are pretty sound proof, if something happened nobody would even hear me scream.
Im terrified i cannot take this anymore. if something were to happen i cannot defend my self from abuse. I'm at other people's mercy.
I cannot do anything else except to lay still in a dark room 24/7 bc of horrible migraines and sensory overload i cannot tolerate light and sound. im unable to eat or drink by myself,if i was left without care i would be dead in a week. Ive been this way for years. They are keeping me alive against my will, if i refuse food and drink they will force me to be tube fed, bc apparently my body does not even belong to me. I don't know whos it is if not mine- the government's? am i not a person? I cannot take this anymore I have to get out of here. I have to get out. I have to get out. I dont want to die in this place i need to get out of here.
Please kill me
I live in a nursing home, I'm 20 but i have brain damage from a brain injury, severe me/cfs, a couple of other chronic diseases. cptsd as well from childhood full of torture and abandonment.
Background A few months ago there was an instance when one of the male nurses here was acting physically violent towards me, he would yell at me and say abusive hurtful things, and he physically hurt me. After the situation he threatened me to keep my mouth shut about it and that nobodys going to believe me if tell someone . Luckily i managed to record (part of it) otherwise it would have been just my word against his.
I reported it..so he got a warning, after that he apologized to me about his behavior and told me he had "miscalculated the situation" and he promised to not to hurt me again. I tought it was so weird becaise when he apologized it felt like i was talking to a different person. It made me think that earlier he might have been drunk or something (he has told me he has an alcohol problem) It felt like he was genuinely sorry.
Now its been a couple of months. he hasn't hurt me again. i still i cannot trust him. He is constantly breaking my boundaries physically - touching me, stroking my hair, face etc etc. Its not sexual but it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. He is a man in his 50s twice my size. I absolutely hate being touched, hugged etc because of the years and years of trauma and abuse. everytime when somebody touches me i just freeze.
I also have severe chronic pain and it really hurts when someone or something touches me, my skin is super sensitive, even the clothes that i'm wearing right now hurts me. I'm in severe pain all the time. He doesn't believe me when i tell him. He says "no you are not hurting, stop exaggerating "
Also because of the covid situation we should be social distancing. Often times he doesn't even wear his mask properly (only covers his mouth) . It makes me so terrified bc i really dont want to get the virus. Im too scared to tell him to stop, I'm terrified that he might get angry again and rape me or something. I'm too terrified to say anything, i just freeze, internally i'm screaming but no words come out of my mouth .This place is a huge facility and the rooms are pretty sound proof, if something happened nobody would even hear me scream.
Im terrified i cannot take this anymore. if something were to happen i cannot defend my self from abuse. I'm at other people's mercy.
I cannot do anything else except to lay still in a dark room 24/7 bc of horrible migraines and sensory overload i cannot tolerate light and sound. im unable to eat or drink by myself,if i was left without care i would be dead in a week. Ive been this way for years. They are keeping me alive against my will, if i refuse food and drink they will force me to be tube fed, bc apparently my body does not even belong to me. I don't know whos it is if not mine- the government's? am i not a person? I cannot take this anymore I have to get out of here. I have to get out. I have to get out. I dont want to die in this place i need to get out of here.
Please kill me
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