eternalpeace
Student
- Dec 19, 2021
- 139
Cannabis is legal where I live. I have been using it to help my MS and my depression for a little over a year. (With Drs approval). I used to do edibles, but then my tolerance skyrocketed and it was breaking the bank, so I switched to capsules.
The last 4 or 5 times that I used, I was thinking about my suicide plan, and all of a sudden felt like I was afraid I wasn't breathing in enough air. I was able to breathe just fine, it was just this sense of panic that I wouldn't be able to on the next breath. And then I had this clear vision of carrying out my CTB plan and freaking out and calling for help. In order to calm down, I had to tell myself that I would find another solution if I didn't want to CTB.
Once I sobered up, I felt as suicidal as ever, and had no doubts.
I'm not sure what to make of this…whether it's a sign that in the deepest resources of my mind I really don't want to do this, or just a manifestation of the fact that I'm wrestling with one of the biggest decisions a person could make, or whether it was just the cannabis taking my mind on a little tour…
Whatever it is, the one activity that used to actually provide some relief isn't much of a relief anymore. :(
The last 4 or 5 times that I used, I was thinking about my suicide plan, and all of a sudden felt like I was afraid I wasn't breathing in enough air. I was able to breathe just fine, it was just this sense of panic that I wouldn't be able to on the next breath. And then I had this clear vision of carrying out my CTB plan and freaking out and calling for help. In order to calm down, I had to tell myself that I would find another solution if I didn't want to CTB.
Once I sobered up, I felt as suicidal as ever, and had no doubts.
I'm not sure what to make of this…whether it's a sign that in the deepest resources of my mind I really don't want to do this, or just a manifestation of the fact that I'm wrestling with one of the biggest decisions a person could make, or whether it was just the cannabis taking my mind on a little tour…
Whatever it is, the one activity that used to actually provide some relief isn't much of a relief anymore. :(
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