SelfishMom
Born To Die
- Jan 13, 2019
- 50
Ctb has been on my mind since July of this year. I found a medicine (my doctor gave me samples) that helps me feel amazing, like a version of myself I've never felt before. Problem is my insurance company will NOT pay for it. I've tried so many different drugs to appease them, my doctor begging, so now we are trying prior authorization paperwork.
In the meantime I'm not on any meds. The urge to ctb is very strong. Logically I know my 8 year old daughter needs me but my brain says everyone would be better off with me dead. My husband knows about how I feel.
Yesterday was very bad. The urge went from planning and making sure everything is just right to just wanting to be dead no matter who it inconvenienced. I experimented with a necktie for partial. It scared me. The survival instinct really freaked me out.
I asked my husband to come home. We talked and I told him about my experimentation. He was torn about whether I needed hospitalization. He decided against it because he was afraid of us losing control of my choices like which hospital I go to. So we decided against it.
To get to the point of this post, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to ctb 100% yet and I wanna try every option. Can anyone with experience tell me what it's like to go through the ER for suicidal intent? The ER we are near has a (supposedly) very good psych ward attached if that matters.
In the meantime I'm not on any meds. The urge to ctb is very strong. Logically I know my 8 year old daughter needs me but my brain says everyone would be better off with me dead. My husband knows about how I feel.
Yesterday was very bad. The urge went from planning and making sure everything is just right to just wanting to be dead no matter who it inconvenienced. I experimented with a necktie for partial. It scared me. The survival instinct really freaked me out.
I asked my husband to come home. We talked and I told him about my experimentation. He was torn about whether I needed hospitalization. He decided against it because he was afraid of us losing control of my choices like which hospital I go to. So we decided against it.
To get to the point of this post, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to ctb 100% yet and I wanna try every option. Can anyone with experience tell me what it's like to go through the ER for suicidal intent? The ER we are near has a (supposedly) very good psych ward attached if that matters.