Can you remember what made you want to live?

[Justhere]

Hello. I am currently not suicidal, but I am always looking for reasons to find worthwhile. Does anyone have anything that gives them just a litle spark, however small, that makes them wanna keep going?

Here are some of mine

-I need to know the ending to my favorite manga. (This is probably my greatest insurance. They're constantly on hiatus)
-New manga
-Possiblities
-The idea that we're all going to die anyway.
-Continual self improvement

 

[helpmehelpme]

I did work with a medium tonight who cleared off a group of entities from me -- lower energies that can attach to us. Feel a whole lot better. Got me to not feel suicidal tonight after feeling strongly that way this morning. She also gave me exercises to do I may share.

 

[Mr2005]

SNES, Vangelis, womens feet

 

[Moonomyth]

I got enough of a financial windfall from family support that it eliminated my immediate debts and gave me a chance of actually saving and escaping poverty.

 

[randomz]

Well in the past it was my sense of accomplishment as I was going through law school successfully, also the idea that life is actually beautiful with all it's possibilities and also my "no fucks given" attitude towards almost any problem I faced. Now everything is completely turned upside down, I have absolutely no self-esteem ( I didn't have much before either, but didn't care about that), I fail at my job, I struggle with my anxiety and depression, I no longer think I am able to seize any possibility life would throw at me, and basically feel like shit 24/7, my brain fog is worsening by the day, my friends tell me I am not as smart as before (not as an insult, just as a concern), my family is concerned about the change in my general mood - from happy and uplifting, to grim and desperate so I have to struggle to behave like my old self at least a little so that they don't worry and.....yeah, wish I could find my old spirit again, but this seems really hard at the moment.

 

[Justhere]

I did work with a medium tonight who cleared off a group of entities from me -- lower energies that can attach to us. Feel a whole lot better. Got me to not feel suicidal tonight after feeling strongly that way this morning. She also gave me exercises to do I may share.

Oh please do! <3

Well in the past it was my sense of accomplishment as I was going through law school successfully, also the idea that life is actually beautiful with all it's possibilities and also my "no fucks given" attitude towards almost any problem I faced. Now everything is completely turned upside down, I have absolutely no self-esteem ( I didn't have much before either, but didn't care about that), I fail at my job, I struggle with my anxiety and depression, I no longer think I am able to seize any possibility life would throw at me, and basically feel like shit 24/7, my brain fog is worsening by the day, my friends tell me I am not as smart as before (not as an insult, just as a concern), my family is concerned about the change in my general mood - from happy and uplifting, to grim and desperate so I have to struggle to behave like my old self at least a little so that they don't worry and.....yeah, wish I could find my old spirit again, but this seems really hard at the moment.

It used to pain me to compare myself from the present and how I used to be. But I think I was using that old image of myself as a crutch. And I agree. When you are in this state, you're not as smart as you are capable of--- the mind is both bogged down and not receiving the things it needs to flourish.

 

[DeadPetal]

My boyfriend, but he's dead now, so nothing

 

[astro]

What manga are you talking about?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

The garden, the garden made me want to live.

 

[arposandra]

Legitimately spite.
I know my current obituary would be limpdicked "at least they tried but life was too hard for them" pity bullshit.

It is definitely when and not if for me still keeping my bus ticket on me at all times, but I'm straight up only making aggressive life improvements (career change, exercising, community service, dating) as a personal fuck you so that the last chapter of my life story leaves no doubt that I really did put everything I have on the line.
When I'm dead, I'm dead, and I know in a sense it won't matter. I just want to end on my terms where I'm spitting in life's face when I exit instead of life spitting on me on my knees.


Too angry to end where I'm currently at, but I'm still resolved to not overstay my time once I feel I've achieved everything I'm striving to cross off.

 

[MysticPerception]

If you mean before I'd say fun. I just wanted to enjoy as much media as possible while creating some of my own. I always wanted someone to read my writing and enjoy it even if only a little. If I could enrich even one persons' life that would be enough for me. Right now though I'm not sure I'm kind of in a weird state of I don't want to die but I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. I guess only time will tell maybe I can go back to my original goal though I'm not sure.

 

[helpmehelpme]

Oh please do! <3

Put one up as a resource within haiku just now ...

 

[sadgirl2002]

The one I love. He's the only reason I didn't ctb over a year ago. I just couldn't leave him here. If he ends up finding someone better than me, I'll end it as soon as possible. I will only live for love or not at all.

 

[Justhere]

What manga are you talking about?

Noticed your killua pic. It's HunterXHunter ^_^ Things I need live for still for

-What the fudge is Ging's nen ability
-Who's Don Freeces?
-Will Gon ever resume being the main character? -I still have a theory Togashi took his ability away so he can have new ones. The manga is changing, and so the main character will have to fit into the new vision-
-I want to see a battle between the prince and a lot of people, Kurapika included. I want to see how he'll be as an antagonist, and the challenges he will present to everyone

ANd I'm sure there's a slew of other things I can't remember at the moment. Have you ever had a book that felt like a kindred spirit? Like if you can take out the best parts of yourself, and you see it in a work of fiction.

Legitimately spite.
I know my current obituary would be limpdicked "at least they tried but life was too hard for them" pity bullshit.

It is definitely when and not if for me still keeping my bus ticket on me at all times, but I'm straight up only making aggressive life improvements (career change, exercising, community service, dating) as a personal fuck you so that the last chapter of my life story leaves no doubt that I really did put everything I have on the line.
When I'm dead, I'm dead, and I know in a sense it won't matter. I just want to end on my terms where I'm spitting in life's face when I exit instead of life spitting on me on my knees.


Too angry to end where I'm currently at, but I'm still resolved to not overstay my time once I feel I've achieved everything I'm striving to cross off.

I'm sorry. I laughed. I could relate to this so much. I'm quite spiteful as well, and I use that to my advantage. =) And I see that you do as well.

If you mean before I'd say fun. I just wanted to enjoy as much media as possible while creating some of my own. I always wanted someone to read my writing and enjoy it even if only a little. If I could enrich even one persons' life that would be enough for me. Right now though I'm not sure I'm kind of in a weird state of I don't want to die but I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. I guess only time will tell maybe I can go back to my original goal though I'm not sure.

Art is a struggle -for me at least-. It's hard for me to precisely express what it is I concieve in my mind, and admire those who can and do so effectively.

 

[porfin1234]

Reconnecting with my passion for dance saved me. Also love for art, travel, and nature. I love singing as well and took first voice lessons last year. Getting to know people and enjoying my friends and throwing parties for them. Last year I also actually had moments I loved my job and students.

 

[mattwitt]

Having a strong healthy body.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Hormones I guess
Hormones and illusions

 

[one4all]

No

 

[Lost.]

It was before the last worsening of my damage: pets, good memories, mom, good talk with someone, selfharm, online friends and facebook groups, lil bit emotions i had, having house, walks...

 

[WhiteDespair]

I went through 3 days alternating between rage and sadness. Every day I made the choice to stay alive by eating (because SN). Something changed in me. It's likely I purged something.

Then, I was at a concert and flipped out. I became enraged and abruptly left. It was like a panic attack but of anger. I was scattered when I went home, wrote a hasty CtB note and took some (regular dose) ambien. I woke up feeling like scum for ditching people at the concert but not wanting to CtB. I got punched in the face with my challenges with socialization. It got a little better when that came to the front.

It's one of the few times when good things happen and the line "I'm waiting for my punishment. I know it's on my way." doesn't feel like it'll happen.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Dogs. I want dogs to take over the world. Maybe Brexit will help.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Self esteem from good looking women wanting the D

Finishing my degree, and quickly with a good GPA at that

Meds working

Reentering the work force, with a difficult to get, prestigious job

(cue Linkin Park) Even though I tried, (it has) all fell apart. What it meant to me (has become) a memory of a time when
I wanted to live

 

[Pallf]

My big one was staying alive to see my team win the Superbowl, but they decided to actually win the damn thing. My college team decided to win their big game too. So now I have to come up with a new reason to live.

 

[foreverbroken28]

Unisom. I have been addicted to Unisom sleep gels for the past 9 years because I am an insomniac and I also like that it relieves me from my painful emotions.

I planned to CTB July 2018 & I took 2 Unisom to relax me but instead, I got over the feeling of wanting to CTB and fell asleep.

I sort of regret that, now but eh - what the heck.

 

[faust]

Dogs. I want dogs to take over the world. Maybe Brexit will help.

 

[TAW122]

For it was video games, music, new experiences, and similar things. However, since I'm well past that and nothing really makes me happy in the long term and with all the (potential) suffering that comes with it, to me it's not worth it. But at that time, I recovered and had things to live for because I was curious and wanted to experience some things before deciding on throwing in the towel.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

The one I love. He's the only reason I didn't ctb over a year ago. I just couldn't leave him here. If he ends up finding someone better than me, I'll end it as soon as possible. I will only live for love or not at all.

This. Except I am sure she has moved on and just doesn't want to hurt me.

 

[sadgirl2002]

This. Except I am sure she has moved on and just doesn't want to hurt me.

I'm sorry... I hope she comes back to you one day :(

 

[enjoy]

everything about the future and how malleable it is. i could fall in love again, i could go back to my dream school, i could become a famous rockstar, i could make a boatload of money, i could find my one true calling in love, i could see the world...

"could" is a word that is very important to me. i might even get it tattooed. "could" keeps me going.

there's always a chance that anything could happen.

 

[Halo13]

Unisom. I have been addicted to Unisom sleep gels for the past 9 years because I am an insomniac and I also like that it relieves me from my painful emotions.

I planned to CTB July 2018 & I took 2 Unisom to relax me but instead, I got over the feeling of wanting to CTB and fell asleep.

I sort of regret that, now but eh - what the heck.

Can I ask why Unisom? I've had awful insomnia forever, tried Unison, Melatonin, etc. It never helped, eventually got on Ambien to sleep. I've heard people saying Unisom helped them before, wondered what I was missing out on because it didn't do anything to me. There's also an over the counter supplement called Passion Flower which helps with insomnia and anxiety that is relaxing: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323795