Venting Can someone relate??

[BadRNG]

LONG POST (vent)

This is my first post here , and I really hope I don't need to post again.

I went thru some posts where people are asking each other why are you here or what caused you to consider suicide, but no one mentioned anything similar.

i am 18, and i am one pretty unlucky individual. Imagine playing the lottery and having 99% chance of winning , everyone spins and wins and then it's your turn and you fucking lose because of that 1%.
thats me
most of you have it way worse than me, like actual chronic illnesses, but me , I am gay and I don't like it, and no one knows about it , except my parents and like 4 people and 2 psychiatrists.

i really tried everything to make my self like women but it doesn't seem to work, they just aren't physically attractive.
I am so tired of hearing the words , faggot , cocksucker , sodomite or whatever shit I hear in other languages too, it would be even worse if that's directed to ME. Tired of hearing that it's a choice , like what retard would choose to be like this, I didn't have a phone at that time when I had these feelings which was literally when I hit puberty, I didn't know that what I liked was weird or unusual until a couple years later when kids started talking about women and I can't relate but just lie and act that I do. I didn't know what the term is at the time.
No one suspects it because I am just like every other boy out there and most my friends are male , and I never tried (something) with a male either, but I just can't take it anymore.

every other conversation has to be death wishes to gays or how these ppl are sick or going to hell or they are disgusting, I just wish there was something i can take whatever pill that would make me straight, I cry every night and pray to god to make me normal or whatever, but it doesn't work.
It is so humiliating especially for a male, I can't even imagine what would happen if it goes public.

eveyone around me seems to be dating rn but I can't , faking it with women isn't fun , and I don't want to hide a relationship if I decide I want one with a guy.
I don't see a future for my self being single, or homo. people are going to start to suspect soon.

I am just so tired and I can't function anymore , I can't study properly, not consistent with food and gym , depressed all the time .


going out isn't even an option because it's going to sadly define me,
Like when someone talks about me it will be like: do you know that guy that this and that and then the other will be like : you mean the gay guy? Or it can be worse like the fag or w/e.

That's the first time I vent like this ...

S

 

[Farmmaa]

Its 2020, I am angry and mortified that you even have to post this, let alone live it, in this day and age.

I don't know where you live, but most of the world is pretty open minded about sexuality now... it is no where near the taboo is used to be.

Accepting who you are is your first priority. Once you learn to love the person you are, no matter what your sexual orientation may be, it will matter a whole lot less what others think or say.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I really feel for you.... I'm having a hard time at the minute... I would consider myself bi... I broke up with ex and he told people everything about me and lies... I wish people would not judge... It is your life, I wish I was proud of who I am.... Thinking of you

 

[BadRNG]

Its 2020, I am angry and mortified that you even have to post this, let alone live it, in this day and age.

I don't know where you live, but most of the world is pretty open minded about sexuality now... it is no where near the taboo is used to be.

Accepting who you are is your first priority. Once you learn to love the person you are, no matter what your sexual orientation may be, it will matter a whole lot less what others think or say.

i don't think it matters where, I live in Germany , laws are with you but many people aren't.

I really feel for you.... I'm having a hard time at the minute... I would consider myself bi... I broke up with ex and he told people everything about me and lies... I wish people would not judge... It is your life, I wish I was proud of who I am.... Thinking of you

I wish I was bi , like even 1%

 

[CURSED again]

so sorry your going through this - i was born in east germany and then adopted in west and eventually grew up in US - i would have thought germany was more liberal than apparently they are - anyway dont let them warp you - be yourself and try to get through all the bs and games until you can escape to somewhere where you will be happy - i was in you same situation when i grew up and thats what i did. - i didn't have internet when i grew up so it was even harder for me to find people i liked - i hope your parents treat you well - mine didnt and that caused alot of problems ( I never admitted to them since they were so nasty) plus i also had to totally hide it until i moved away from home to a big city. Hope we can help you

 

[BPD Barbie]

I'm really sorry that you are even having to write this let alone feel this way. My best friend of 19 years is gay, and if someone were to harm a hair on his head I would probably kill them. You can't fake who you are forever, you just can't, it's already eating away at you an you're only 18. I wish I had some helpful suggestions, but just know we are here and we support you fully. You don't have to hide anything on this forum, you can talk to any of us at any time, even if its just to vent something. But stand up and be proud of who you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. You're beautiful how you are.

 

[Daffodil]

I don't think this has to be the end for you. You could move to a city that is more open to gay people. You can find a tribe of people with related interests, you just have to move for it.

 

[Quarky00]

My instinct is to say "Get the hell out of there!"

I know it's not realistic now, but had to say it, as there's nothing wrong with you, and I don't understand this abusive environment. You shouldn't have to go through this. Sorry for being testy, I just don't get it. I hate abuse ...

every other conversation has to be death wishes to gays or how these ppl are sick or going to hell

Who are these people ??

 

[waterbottleman]

i don't think it matters where, I live in Germany , laws are with you but many people aren't.

I wish I was bi , like even 1%

Sorry to hear that man.

There's nothing wrong with you, being gay is 100 percent okay. It's the people who don't accept homosexuals who are wrong.

I don't know your circumstances and how realistic this is, but perhaps you could move somewhere that is more accepting of people who are gay? Here in the US we have some places that are very gay friendly, then we have other places that are pretty homophobic. You say you live in Germany so maybe there are certain areas that would be more accepting of your sexual orientation?

Hope this isnt dumb advice cause perhaps you've already thought of this but idk I just thought I'd put it out there. Moving to a new place can be scary and intimidating with all the logistics involved, moving to an unknown place, and leaving your friends/family behind. However I think in your circumstances it's definitely worth strongly considering moving somewhere else if you possibly can.

 

[Lils]

LONG POST (vent)

This is my first post here , and I really hope I don't need to post again.

I went thru some posts where people are each other why are you here or what caused you to consider suicide, but no one mentioned anything similar.

i am 18, and i am one pretty unlucky individual. Imagine playing the lottery and having 99% chance of winning , everyone spins and wins and then it's your turn and you fucking lose because of that 1%.
thats me
most of you have it way worse than me, like actual chronic illnesses, but me , I am gay and I don't like it, and no one knows about it , except my parents and like 4 people and 2 psychiatrists.

i really tried everything to make my self like women but it doesn't seem to work, they just aren't physically attractive.
I am so tired of hearing the words , faggot , cocksucker , sodomite or whatever shit I hear in other languages too, it would be even worse if that's directed to ME. Tired of hearing that it's a choice , like what retard would choose to be like this, I didn't have a phone at that time when I had these feelings which was literally when I hit puberty, I didn't know that what I liked was weird or unusual until a couple years later when kids started talking about women and I can't relate but just lie and act that I do. I didn't know what the term is at the time.
No one suspects it because I am just like every other boy out there and most my friends are male , and I never tried (something) with a male either, but I just can't take it anymore.

every other conversation has to be death wishes to gays or how these ppl are sick or going to hell or they are disgusting, I just wish there was something i can take whatever pill that would make me straight, I cry every night and pray to god to make me normal or whatever, but it doesn't work.
It is so humiliating especially for a male, I can't even imagine what would happen if it goes public.

eveyone around me seems to be dating rn but I can't , faking it with women isn't fun , and I don't want to hide a relationship if I decide I want one with a guy.
I don't see a future for my self being single, or homo. people are going to start to suspect soon.

I am just so tired and I can't function anymore , I can't study properly, not consistent with food and gym , depressed all the time .


going out isn't even an option because it's going to sadly define me,
Like when someone talks about me it will be like: do you know that guy that this and that and then other will be like you mean the gay guy? Or it can be worse like the fag or w/e.

That's the first time I vent like this ...

S

The world is truly a disgusting place where there is no peace. I hope I at least get my peace in the after life

 

[BadRNG]

Sorry to hear that man.

There's nothing wrong with you, being gay is 100 percent okay. It's the people who don't accept homosexuals who are wrong.

I don't know your circumstances and how realistic this is, but perhaps you could move somewhere that is more accepting of people who are gay? Here in the US we have some places that are very gay friendly, then we have other places that are pretty homophobic. You say you live in Germany so maybe there are certain areas that would be more accepting of your sexual orientation?

Hope this isnt dumb advice cause perhaps you've already thought of this but idk I just thought I'd put it out there. Moving to a new place can be scary and intimidating with all the logistics involved, moving to an unknown place, and leaving your friends/family behind. However I think in your circumstances it's definitely worth strongly considering moving somewhere else if you possibly can.

The thing is it's not the place, I am just talking generally about people , like irl and on the internet, I think part of the problem is my as well, like pro and anti gay discussions, both present logical arguments, and I don't know what I should do. I am still desperate and I would do anything to have some sort of attraction towards the opposite sex because I don't think I can live as a gay person, which sounds insane since you can't change that.

My instinct is to say "Get the hell out of there!"

I know it's not realistic now, but had to say it, as there's nothing wrong with you, and I don't understand this abusive environment. You shouldn't have to go through this. Sorry for being testy, I just don't get it. I hate abuse ...


Who are these people ??

Anyone , close friends , people I went with in school , people online , even my uncle was giving me some (advice) , he was like these people are evil and they are sinners. He told me about something that happened to him before a couple of years, he worked with someone and he didn't know he was gay because he looks like a (man) and when he knew he was shocked and disgusted. I just had to sit thru that and endure what he was saying and nod in agreement.

Sorry to hear that man.

There's nothing wrong with you, being gay is 100 percent okay. It's the people who don't accept homosexuals who are wrong.

I don't know your circumstances and how realistic this is, but perhaps you could move somewhere that is more accepting of people who are gay? Here in the US we have some places that are very gay friendly, then we have other places that are pretty homophobic. You say you live in Germany so maybe there are certain areas that would be more accepting of your sexual orientation?

Hope this isnt dumb advice cause perhaps you've already thought of this but idk I just thought I'd put it out there. Moving to a new place can be scary and intimidating with all the logistics involved, moving to an unknown place, and leaving your friends/family behind. However I think in your circumstances it's definitely worth strongly considering moving somewhere else if you possibly can.

The thing is it sucks to live and lie , but also I can't go out because I don't want to be an outcast..

 

[waterbottleman]

The thing is it's not the place, I am just talking generally about people , like irl and on the internet, I think part of the problem is my as well, like pro and anti gay discussions, both present logical arguments, and I don't know what I should do. I am still desperate and I would do anything to have some sort of attraction towards the opposite sex because I don't think I can live as a gay person, which sounds insane since you can't change that.

Anyone , close friends , people I went with in school , people online , even my uncle was giving me some (advice) , he was like these people are evil and they are sinners. He told me about something that happened to him before a couple of years, he worked with someone and he didn't know he was gay because he looks like a (man) and when he knew he was shocked and disgusted. I just had to sit thru that and endure what he was saying and nod in agreement.

The thing is it sucks to live and lie , but also I can't go out because I don't want to be an outcast..

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you meant, but in my personal opinion 99.9 percent of arguments online are a waste of time. Most of the time people are just insulting each other with ad hominems or using straw man arguments. Furthermore even the "logical arguments" people make, while logical, often ignore a big aspect of human life which our emotions. What is "logical" and "makes sense" in theory, often doesn't pan out and is wrong in empirical reality. That's because the reality is that life is really complex, nuanced, and humans fundamentally aren't rational beings who make optimal decisions that make sense with what they really want.

I used to argue a lot on the internet about various things, used to study philosophy, but none of it really improved my life or made me happy. It just made me cynical over just how much of assholes a lot of people are or how intellectually dishonest a lot of people are. It just made me miserable and I realized it was a waste of my time since I rarely ever learned anything new from them. If you argue enough about a specific topic online, at some point you'll notice that people just repeat the same talking points and arguments over and over again and you feel like you're arguing with robots who are incapable of forming their own arguments/opinions.

Just my opinion, but I'm a lot happier reading books to expand my knowledge instead of arguing with "intellectuals" online who often are just miserable cynical people who will bring your attitude down to their level.

It's a bit ironic for me to say this since I studied mathematics in college which is the epitome of using logic in academia, but in my opinion logical arguments are in many cases over rated and unnecessary. I dont have sone sophisticated reason for why I accept gay people, I just accept them for the simple reason that they aren't harming anybody and that they're human beings who's feelings matter and we should be compassionate and accepting of who they are and how they feel. It's that simple for me, why does it need to be any more complex than that?

As for what your uncle said, well I honestly don't know how to respond to that. I'm an atheist and dont believe in any religion/God so the whole idea of "sinning" to me sounds like a made up fantasy for people to project their bigoted and prejudiced views onto others.

 

[Flippy]

You aren't disgusting or a sinner, or any other ones of those file comments! You are gay and you are naturally attracted to the same sex. It would be no more easy for me to persuade myself or be persuaded to be attracted to men than it would be for you to become attracted to women! It sounds like you are stuck somewhere where there isn't much of a gay community if at all that you could reach out to and be part of and become accepted as yourself. And you really do deserve to be accepted. I mentioned the other day that I was shocked that despite all the progress we've made in the world accepting homosexuality there are still an absolutely rotten bunch of people that have to attack. I suspect that a lot of those types have some repressed sexual identity issues but they are too sick and inhumane to deal with them so they attack those who want to be comfortable with their sexuality. You deserve to live a full life and that includes the sexual side too without guilt or interference from bigoted people! :-)
Have a listen to this Tom Waits intro and song, just a human being talking about relationships etc. I find it so funny and uplifting and it really makes you laugh at romantic convention! Honestly give it a go, might just put a the smile on your face if only for a bit! :-)

 

[BadRNG]

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you meant, but in my personal opinion 99.9 percent of arguments online are a waste of time. Most of the time people are just insulting each other with ad hominems or using straw man arguments. Furthermore even the "logical arguments" people make, while logical, often ignore a big aspect of human life which our emotions. What is "logical" and "makes sense" in theory, often doesn't pan out and is wrong in empirical reality. That's because the reality is that life is really complex, nuanced, and humans fundamentally aren't rational beings who make optimal decisions that make sense with what they really want.

I used to argue a lot on the internet about various things, used to study philosophy, but none of it really improved my life or made me happy. It just made me cynical over just how much of assholes a lot of people are or how intellectually dishonest a lot of people are. It just made me miserable and I realized it was a waste of my time since I rarely ever learned anything new from them. If you argue enough about a specific topic online, at some point you'll notice that people just repeat the same talking points and arguments over and over again and you feel like you're arguing with robots who are incapable of forming their own arguments/opinions.

Just my opinion, but I'm a lot happier reading books to expand my knowledge instead of arguing with "intellectuals" online who often are just miserable cynical people who will bring your attitude down to their level.

It's a bit ironic for me to say this since I studied mathematics in college which is the epitome of using logic in academia, but in my opinion logical arguments are in many cases over rated and unnecessary. I dont have sone sophisticated reason for why I accept gay people, I just accept them for the simple reason that they aren't harming anybody and that they're human beings who's feelings matter and we should be compassionate and accepting of who they are and how they feel. It's that simple for me, why does it need to be any more complex than that?

As for what your uncle said, well I honestly don't know how to respond to that. I'm an atheist and dont believe in any religion/God so the whole idea of "sinning" to me sounds like a made up fantasy for people to project their bigoted and prejudiced views onto others.

It just bothers me a lot , like tbh I don't want to be part of the ((hated minority)). Since no one suspects I am gay , other boys in hangouts or in school, uni w/e will often say disgusting things about other gay boys. It's just like talking shit about another race as long as there is no one in the group from that particular race, and as long as one is present , they suddenly become friendly. Unfortunately I care a lot about what others think when it comes to this topic , because I still feel they are right, it's abnormal. So I chose to just not engage with other men romantically at all, even tho I know it's just torture with women, like I am dragging someone else into this mess.

You aren't disgusting or a sinner, or any other ones of those file comments! You are gay and you are naturally attracted to the same sex. It would be no more easy for me to persuade myself or be persuaded to be attracted to men than it would be for you to become attracted to women! It sounds like you are stuck somewhere where there isn't much of a gay community if at all that you could reach out to and be part of and become accepted as yourself. And you really do deserve to be accepted. I mentioned the other day that I was shocked that despite all the progress we've made in the world accepting homosexuality there are still an absolutely rotten bunch of people that have to attack. I suspect that a lot of those types have some repressed sexual identity issues but they are too sick and inhumane to deal with them so they attack those who want to be comfortable with their sexuality. You deserve to live a full life and that includes the sexual side too without guilt or interference from bigoted people! :-)
Have a listen to this Tom Waits intro and song, just a human being talking about relationships etc. I find it so funny and uplifting and it really makes you laugh at romantic convention! Honestly give it a go, might just put a the smile on your face if only for a bit! :-)

I used to be super religious because I thought it would make me straight, but I kinda lost hope , I believe in god but I don't follow any religion any more. Nevertheless I agree with your point of me being stuck , I actually think I am stuck , like very trapped. I read about this topic like 6 days a week. Christian , Islamic ideologies towards this topic, scientific approaches too. It's making me very sick. I think the problem is that I am still in the process of accepting this harsh reality, just like terminally ill people suffer to accept that they can't change anything. In 1973 they removed homosexuality from the list of mental illnesses, which only went thru because of political pressure , and only 55% of them agreed on that, which leaves other 45 unsure or against, so there is still a chance that these people are right when they call homos sick..

 

[BadRNG]

so sorry your going through this - i was born in east germany and then adopted in west and eventually grew up in US - i would have thought germany was more liberal than apparently they are - anyway dont let them warp you - be yourself and try to get through all the bs and games until you can escape to somewhere where you will be happy - i was in you same situation when i grew up and thats what i did. - i didn't have internet when i grew up so it was even harder for me to find people i liked - i hope your parents treat you well - mine didnt and that caused alot of problems ( I never admitted to them since they were so nasty) plus i also had to totally hide it until i moved away from home to a big city. Hope we can help you

I told them about my feelings 3 years ago , my mum knew something was wrong because I was sad, 1 night I just decided to tell her , she wasn't mad at all , she said she would do anything to make me happy , she didn't force me to go to a therapist , actually I asked for it, I wish it worked tho. I wish people would actually stop assuming people choose to like the same sex , the only choice is to actually date someone from the same sex and not actually be attracted... if I had even 1% attraction to females I would never think about men again.

 

[Flippy]

I told them about my feelings 3 years ago , my mum knew something was wrong because I was sad, 1 night I just decided to tell her , she wasn't mad at all , she said she would do anything to make me happy , she didn't force me to go to a therapist , actually I asked for it, I wish it worked tho. I wish people would actually stop assuming people choose to like the same sex , the only choice is to actually date someone from the same sex and not actually be attracted... if I had even 1% attraction to females I would never think about men again.

If it's not too of an intrusive question can I ask what part of the world you are in? Is it the sort of place where gay people a persecuted and it's state sanctioned? Do you think that you could maybe hop on a plane to somewhere like the UK and visit somewhere like Manchester where they have a vibrant and welcoming gay scene? It seems by what you are saying that you feel some amount of guilt about being gay, like you should avoid being your true self? Does that sound right? If I'm right then you really can't hide from yourself and nor should you! Your sexuality and life is just as important and valid as any other! You can't wish yourself straight. You may be missing out on the opportunity to really be yourself and have the love and intimacy you will no doubt have when you meet someone. You really shouldn't be denied that by anyone! Have you considered moving? Maybe backpacking round Europe or somewhere, it could be the start of a wonderful life of freedom to be who you are, surrounded by people who will welcome you and not judge you! There will always be cruel bigots in this world, but the more of the right people you can connect with, the less they will feel like they have power over you!

 

[BadRNG]

If it's not too of an intrusive question can I ask what part of the world you are in? Is it the sort of place where gay people a persecuted and it's state sanctioned? Do you think that you could maybe hop on a plane to somewhere like the UK and visit somewhere like Manchester where they have a vibrant and welcoming gay scene? It seems by what you are saying that you feel some amount of guilt about being gay, like you should avoid being your true self? Does that sound right? If I'm right then you really can't hide from yourself and nor should you! Your sexuality and life is just as important and valid as any other! You can't wish yourself straight. You may be missing out on the opportunity to really be yourself and have the love and intimacy you will no doubt have when you meet someone. You really shouldn't be denied that by anyone! Have you considered moving? Maybe backpacking round Europe or somewhere, it could be the start of a wonderful life of freedom to be who you are, surrounded by people who will welcome you and not judge you! There will always be cruel bigots in this world, but the more of the right people you can connect with, the less they will feel like they have power over you!

I live in Germany now for almost a year, again I don't think it's the place more like what I hear and read daily, and you are right I do feel guilt, I feel ashamed and disgusted at the fact that I have these feelings, even tho it's love , still when I try to reason, I just end up like the majority of people that think it's wrong to act upon these feelings. Yet again I don't see my self with a woman for a long time, like mechanical sex is possible but it won't be enjoyable plus a relationship isn't just about sex , you need to love the human , her soul , everything. Which seems impossible since I don't feel any romantic feeling towards females, which brings shame . Some things just don't change, it kind of destroys your essence as a man if you know what I mean.

 

[Flippy]

I see so Germany is perhaps not as tolerant as I would have expected. The only places I know are from what I've heard from gay friends over the years and Manchester kept on coming up as one of their favourite destinations! I'm very sorry that you feel guilt about your sexuality :-( It isn't a recipe for a good mental health and I expect that is why you have found these forums :-/ it sounds like you want the full experience of meeting someone and falling in love and women as you've found out for yourself are not going to be able to give you that and that's nobodies fault. And I can't imagine it would help your feelings of guilt much when you try to have as you say mechanical sex with women. One of my favourite musicians Kurt Cobain said "Pretending to be somebody else is a waste of the person you are". I think that has some relevance to your situation. I think the bottom line is that if you were surrounded by people on your side then you wouldn't fear the slings and arrows from all the bigots out there. If your current situation is causing you so much stress and pain, the best thing I can suggest is creating a plan to leave and go where there's a good chance you could be happy! Guilt, especially as it relates to your concept of your sexuality can eventually do real harm to your mental health. So I hope you will find an opportunity to find a better place and a more rewarding life! :-)