Venting Can someOne explain social skills, social cues?

[Journeytoletgo]

I struggle to communicate to people I know it stems from childhood trauma and puberty I had multiple mental breakdowns that went ignored by my parents as they didn't understand mental health. This begun around puberty when I noticed I was different, lacked boundaries, an inner self? I come off very lonely and awkward

 

[Sweet Tart]

I wish I could. I understand some of them but not nearly all. Is there a specific type of social situation that comes to mind?

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I wish I could. I understand some of them but not nearly all. Is there a specific type of social situation that comes to mind?

Just initiating conversations, talking to people makes me uncomfortable as I have no recent experiences to talk about. I don't go anywhere (clubs, bars, dinner, concerts) because I don't have friends anymore like I use to.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

They come with practice. It might help to go to therapy that trains you in the basics. But practice helps

 

[NumbItAll]

I think I understand it, but it's nonsensical as far as I can tell. For example, it's "normal" to stare into someone's eyes as you are talking to them, even though that is creepy and uncomfortable as fuck.

 

[platypusfan]

Hi, I may not be the best person for this since I have selective mutism but I have put a lot of studies into communication since I am so bad at it. Here are things that have helped me, I would look up small talk examples on YouTube and see how they talk. I am pretty boring and dont do much so small talk is hard, but it has been best just to keep asking questions. The best thing you can do is pray that the other person starts rambling to you. Another thing is to be very open to things, like if they bring up something they like consider doing it and then they will like you more. I struggled with coming up with questions for awhile but talking to yourself or maybe even an ai may help as silly as it sounds.

 

[Sweet Tart]

Just initiating conversations, talking to people makes me uncomfortable as I have no recent experiences to talk about. I don't go anywhere (clubs, bars, dinner, concerts) because I don't have friends anymore like I use to.

Oh, we're in the same boat, lol. If someone is not into video games, horror movies, LGBTQ stuff, or cats, it's gonna be rough.

I think @platypusfan has some good ideas, like asking the other person questions and showing curiosity about their interests. This has worked for me when I was already motivated to be social, but is harder when depressed.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Hi, I may not be the best person for this since I have selective mutism but I have put a lot of studies into communication since I am so bad at it. Here are things that have helped me, I would look up small talk examples on YouTube and see how they talk. I am pretty boring and dont do much so small talk is hard, but it has been best just to keep asking questions. The best thing you can do is pray that the other person starts rambling to you. Another thing is to be very open to things, like if they bring up something they like consider doing it and then they will like you more. I struggled with coming up with questions for awhile but talking to yourself or maybe even an ai may help as silly as it sounds.

I notice I was a bad conversationist beginning in 7th grade (I was 14). I just sit there and wait for others to talk and then giggle never really adding to the conversation. I think a lot of this stems from my huge insecurity of my skin condition at the time, and not wanting to attract attention so I wouldn't get bullied this has made me shy/timid and out of reach for new connections.

But good to know I use to scroll mindlessly noticing a lot of my social and depression was because I was afraid to approach people and had early anxiety beginning in 7th grade around the opposite sex, and my loneliness begun there now morphing into depressive/bi polar disorder

 

[bedhead_baby]

I tend to put on the "customer service" voice and keep conversation bland and vague, when it comes to strangers I'm not necessarily trying to befriend. I've lost a lot of conversational skills since I was pulled out of school in elementary, and I've almost always worked by myself or in silence.

I think listening is the biggest thing I try to do. Although I try so hard, I hold some very intense and uncomfortable eye contact....lol. People tend to start looking away, and I realize I haven't blinked or broken contact because I was trying so hard to concentrate on their words and feelings.

People talk big about autistic and ND people not having social skills and being "too awkward," or "hard to talk to," but I've met so so many neurotypical people who say the strangest things out of nowhere, or insert unrelated stories into conversation. Which isn't bad! I we're all just fish out of water and try to pretend we're not.

Moral of the story, you're normal! Social skills are called skills for a reason. You have to learn them, and I believe in you. Besides, having a "perfect" conversation is so stale and strange. I enjoy bouncing around and not always knowing what's going on, but knowing that we're passionate and enjoying what we're talking about (or I used to enjoy that when I really talked to others).

When it comes to expressing how I feel in important situations, I just researched different ways to vocalize my feelings. It's difficult at times.

 

[R.E.N.]

The secret about social cues is that it's just a made up weed out thing. There is no hard set rules because it's all subjective and even the judgement is subjective too. There are cases where you just have to risk ignoring a social cue if you want to keep talking to a person because it might have not have been or it's necessary for your goal (e.g. wanting to keep talking to that person). All you can really learn is a specific person's tendencies and motives, but to learn being able to read the room well in most cases while being so behind is just inconceivable because you learn from experience.

 

[vitbar]

I think I understand it, but it's nonsensical as far as I can tell. For example, it's "normal" to stare into someone's eyes as you are talking to them, even though that is creepy and uncomfortable as fuck.

Oh and make sure not to stare too much. This is one of the things that makes it complicated. It's always "do this, but not too much". It's so much a matter of feel and experience :/

 

[platypusfan]

I notice I was a bad conversationist beginning in 7th grade (I was 14). I just sit there and wait for others to talk and then giggle never really adding to the conversation. I think a lot of this stems from my huge insecurity of my skin condition at the time, and not wanting to attract attention so I wouldn't get bullied this has made me shy/timid and out of reach for new connections.

But good to know I use to scroll mindlessly noticing a lot of my social and depression was because I was afraid to approach people and had early anxiety beginning in 7th grade around the opposite sex, and my loneliness begun there now morphing into depressive/bi polar disorder

Unfortunately with this type of anxiety it sort of just creates a loop.. being scared leads to loneliness but sometimes approaching leads to shame from bullying.. it really sucks. But I hope you feel at least a little more confident now. Everytime I try to talk a little more I like to believe that even if they bully me after, my attempt took a lot of strength. So I hope you can do the same. Think about it like this, if you are already depressive and even on this site, you can only go up from here, so any little approach is progress. After the first few steps it will get easier, I wish you good luck