Sinai Silence
I think I'ma die alone inside my room
- Jul 6, 2020
- 810
Hey SS family!
So it was about two weeks for me since I've self harmed up until last night. Gonna have to hide it from my mum or risk getting sent to the psych ward again.
It was a friend's 21st birthday yesterday, I've known him since high school and we've always got along pretty well. He invited a load of people as anyone normally does for their birthday but I was the only one to show up. I was gonna make sure he had a blast even though it was just the two of us. Usually I don't drink that much but I had to make it count.
After a lot of beer and a couple of shots we told me that he has felt very lonely recently even though he has a girlfriend, he doesn't see a future with her but that is a different story. He told me about the day he came over to the city I used to live in with a bunch of his old friends. He was feeling suicidal that day and said none of his friends cared at all, that's why he doesn't speak to them anymore. He told me that he was going to jump off a bridge but didn't since I messaged him that day.
I remember I was at work so I couldn't talk to him face to face but I was on the phone with him for a while. I didn't know at the time he was planning to do that I just knew he was upset and needed someone to talk to. I don't know if he would've gone through with it if I hadn't contacted him but the matter of fact remains is he cut off all his friends that day apart from me. I don't know if he's told this to his girlfriend or not. I'm glad he's able to talk to me about this stuff but I feel worse off for knowing it, if that makes any sense?
When he told me I just froze up, I didn't know what to say. Although he told me that he wants to get out more and make some new friends who will actually care about him, which was good to hear. I just hope he does it before I ctb, the guilt is killing me right now. I don't want to leave him when he's alone in this world. I will definitely write him a note before I go, its the least he deserves.
It feels like I'm putting him through the same experience I had with D and its killing me inside.
Thanks for reading through this. Let me know if you've experienced something similar and how you are dealing with it.
So it was about two weeks for me since I've self harmed up until last night. Gonna have to hide it from my mum or risk getting sent to the psych ward again.
It was a friend's 21st birthday yesterday, I've known him since high school and we've always got along pretty well. He invited a load of people as anyone normally does for their birthday but I was the only one to show up. I was gonna make sure he had a blast even though it was just the two of us. Usually I don't drink that much but I had to make it count.
After a lot of beer and a couple of shots we told me that he has felt very lonely recently even though he has a girlfriend, he doesn't see a future with her but that is a different story. He told me about the day he came over to the city I used to live in with a bunch of his old friends. He was feeling suicidal that day and said none of his friends cared at all, that's why he doesn't speak to them anymore. He told me that he was going to jump off a bridge but didn't since I messaged him that day.
I remember I was at work so I couldn't talk to him face to face but I was on the phone with him for a while. I didn't know at the time he was planning to do that I just knew he was upset and needed someone to talk to. I don't know if he would've gone through with it if I hadn't contacted him but the matter of fact remains is he cut off all his friends that day apart from me. I don't know if he's told this to his girlfriend or not. I'm glad he's able to talk to me about this stuff but I feel worse off for knowing it, if that makes any sense?
When he told me I just froze up, I didn't know what to say. Although he told me that he wants to get out more and make some new friends who will actually care about him, which was good to hear. I just hope he does it before I ctb, the guilt is killing me right now. I don't want to leave him when he's alone in this world. I will definitely write him a note before I go, its the least he deserves.
It feels like I'm putting him through the same experience I had with D and its killing me inside.
Thanks for reading through this. Let me know if you've experienced something similar and how you are dealing with it.
