Venting Can anyone relate?

[sadsoul]

In my head I can have the greatest conversations and I always think about so many different things but when I'm supposed to talk to someone my mind goes completely blank and I don't know what to say. It's really awkward but I don't know why I am like this. Why can't I talk to people like every other normal human being? Why am I so insecure and why am I so bad at socializing? The only time I feel like I can be relaxed and talk normally is at home with my parents. But even at home I don't say much and I don't feel like I can have meaningful conversations. I am literally too stupid to do what is the most natural thing to most people. And it is driving me crazy that I have no idea why I am like this.
I've always been like this, I remember writing stuff on my DESK in elementary school because I was too shy (and too afraid of judgment) to ask someone for a piece of paper. It seems like this shyness has always been a part of me. But I think it has gotten worse. Back then I had a few friends, I even had one friend that I was really close with. But after elementary school I gradually lost contact with all my friends and since then I wasn't able to make new friends. My heart hurts so much looking back and realizing how good my life was compared to now and how lonely I have become. I wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed in contact with my friends. But now I'm all alone and I'm too scared and also too tired and exhausted from school and life in general to try to socialize. To be honest, I think at this point I don't even want to have friends anymore. I can't relate much to people my age and I don't want to put so much effort into being friends with someone who might in the end reject me and hate me for the messed up piece of shit that I am. I don't feel like I deserve friends, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, I want to leave this world because I'm a burden and don't do anything good for anyone. And I just want to know why I am like this. Why. I want to be normal. But I'm sitting here, typing this alone in my room while everyone is out having a good time. Everyone is enjoying their teenage years while I'm thinking about how to kill myself best. I feel like I'm a complete failure, I could have very good grades but my grades get worse because I don't have the energy or motivation to study and I don't participate in class. And what do my parents do? They tell that if I stopped being lazy I would get better grades and everything would be fine. They really don't understand how I'm feeling, they don't understand how much pressure they put on me and how much school stresses me out. I don't see a point in school, work and society in general. It's all so pointless, exhausting and dehumanizing. There's suffering everywhere and if you tell that to pro-lifers they respond by saying: "That's just how it is." What a sick world. And I'm the sick person if I decide not to play this cruel game anymore? I'm the sick person if I say no to a life filled with far more pain than joy? I don't know how people can live in this world without going insane. I can't and I won't. And it's not like I didn't try to get better. I tried to better, I'm in therapy right now. But it's not working for me, nothing's working.

Anyway, now I feel pathetic for writing all this down because my problems are so small compared to the things that other people on here go through and I hate myself for not being able to get my act together. Oh well.
But yeah, venting is good sometimes and I wonder if anyone on here can relate to what I wrote.

 

[ouvreyes]

Yeah, I can. Looked at your profile— I'm also 17. You put it very well. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to ctb, that it's an easy way out that I haven't earned. Sorry that it's like this, man.

 

[Trashcan]

Yes

 

[Red star]

I love how we can be real with each other on here, thank you for sharing and I relate with you.

 

[Prime]

Do what you really want to and say what you really feel for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

 

[Prime]

I love how we can be real with each other on here, thank you for sharing and I relate with you.

So true. We don't know each other on this site but still we can pour everything out here and have people who understand.

 

[Fallen bad23]

You shouldn't feel bad about your pain. If it hurts then it is real. I can totally understand your agony just know that you aren't alone.

 

[sadsoul]

You shouldn't feel bad about your pain. If it hurts then it is real. I can totally understand your agony just know that you aren't alone.

Thank you <3

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

But yeah, venting is good sometimes and I wonder if anyone on here can relate to what I wrote.

Thank you so much for sharing, my beautiful soul, I can really relate to this as well. I wish I found you when I was in elementary school

 

[Worndown]

In my head I can have the greatest conversations and I always think about so many different things but when I'm supposed to talk to someone my mind goes completely blank and I don't know what to say. It's really awkward but I don't know why I am like this. Why can't I talk to people like every other normal human being? Why am I so insecure and why am I so bad at socializing? The only time I feel like I can be relaxed and talk normally is at home with my parents. But even at home I don't say much and I don't feel like I can have meaningful conversations. I am literally too stupid to do what is the most natural thing to most people. And it is driving me crazy that I have no idea why I am like this.
I've always been like this, I remember writing stuff on my DESK in elementary school because I was too shy (and too afraid of judgment) to ask someone for a piece of paper. It seems like this shyness has always been a part of me. But I think it has gotten worse. Back then I had a few friends, I even had one friend that I was really close with. But after elementary school I gradually lost contact with all my friends and since then I wasn't able to make new friends. My heart hurts so much looking back and realizing how good my life was compared to now and how lonely I have become. I wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed in contact with my friends. But now I'm all alone and I'm too scared and also too tired and exhausted from school and life in general to try to socialize. To be honest, I think at this point I don't even want to have friends anymore. I can't relate much to people my age and I don't want to put so much effort into being friends with someone who might in the end reject me and hate me for the messed up piece of shit that I am. I don't feel like I deserve friends, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, I want to leave this world because I'm a burden and don't do anything good for anyone. And I just want to know why I am like this. Why. I want to be normal. But I'm sitting here, typing this alone in my room while everyone is out having a good time. Everyone is enjoying their teenage years while I'm thinking about how to kill myself best. I feel like I'm a complete failure, I could have very good grades but my grades get worse because I don't have the energy or motivation to study and I don't participate in class. And what do my parents do? They tell that if I stopped being lazy I would get better grades and everything would be fine. They really don't understand how I'm feeling, they don't understand how much pressure they put on me and how much school stresses me out. I don't see a point in school, work and society in general. It's all so pointless, exhausting and dehumanizing. There's suffering everywhere and if you tell that to pro-lifers they respond by saying: "That's just how it is." What a sick world. And I'm the sick person if I decide not to play this cruel game anymore? I'm the sick person if I say no to a life filled with far more pain than joy? I don't know how people can live in this world without going insane. I can't and I won't. And it's not like I didn't try to get better. I tried to better, I'm in therapy right now. But it's not working for me, nothing's working.

Anyway, now I feel pathetic for writing all this down because my problems are so small compared to the things that other people on here go through and I hate myself for not being able to get my act together. Oh well.
But yeah, venting is good sometimes and I wonder if anyone on here can relate to what I wrote.

We all have our own problems and individual levels of coping. Yours are not less than those of another, just different.

I had the same issue. I slowly put myself in situations where I had to act, react, speak and say what I was thinking.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

[/QUOTE]

We all have our own problems and individual levels of coping. Yours are not less than those of another, just different.

I completely agree with you; thank you for these words, they mean a lot to me

I had the same issue. I slowly put myself in situations where I had to act, react, speak and say what I was thinking.

I had/have the same issue, and it really sucks, especially if you have problems with stuttering, like i do. But we all have interesting, beautiful, funny things to say, so I get really happy when someone can find a way to express themselves more accurately and comfortably, whether through spoken speech, writing, dancing, drawing, etc.

 

[Worndown]

I completely agree with you; thank you for these words, they mean a lot to me ❤


I had/have the same issue, and it really sucks, especially if you have problems with stuttering, like i do. But we all have interesting, beautiful, funny things to say, so I get really happy when someone can find a way to express themselves more accurately and comfortably, whether through spoken speech, writing, dancing, drawing, etc.
[/QUOTE]
This is good! You know who is inside you. The task might be to find an outlet for the best there is in you. Maybe a creative writing class or simply volunteering at a food pantry. Use your gifts and insight to have positive interaction with others that have problems.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

Use your gifts and insight to have positive interaction with others that have problems.

I really admire people who do this :-)

 

[Worndown]

I really admire people who do this :-)

Find a way to turn your perceived weakness into a strength. You already proved to us that you know who you are and where you are in life. The next step toward using this experience to improve your life might actually be the easy part.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

Find a way to turn your perceived weakness into a strength. You already proved to us that you know who you are and where you are in life. The next step toward using this experience to improve your life might actually be the easy part.

Oh, I really appreciate the advice, but what I said above was more for people in general, not me smiles softly. But I hope the above case is true for you