letsalllovelain:3
Lain Follower from Wired
- Apr 14, 2023
- 36
This post will be just a ramble of random things, just spewing my emotions out. Sorry in advance if things won't make much sense or they will feel out of order
I will admit it, I am tired of everything. I got hospitalized in June for 3 weeks, lied that I love life again and moved on, so they won't hospitalize me any further (it was painfully boring here and tried to de-diagnose my ADHD due to the lack of any professionalism). I was just vibing until now on.
Recently I was crossing the road and I almost got hit by a speeding car. My boyfriend pulled me back by force and yelled to move back. The funniest part about this situation is that I didn't feel any rush of adrenaline nor anxiety - I actually felt quite disappointed that it didn't hit me. Maybe it would end my miserable life.
Now it would be a little over a year since I can't find a fucking job. No one wants to hire me, even for shittiest jobs like being a cashier or as a cleaning service. Nothing. Either because I'm not "qualified enough" (aka I have no experience), I'm not in a university/college (here employers pay no taxes for students) because I didn't get anywhere I wanted to, I did my exams not so well. Oh and I'm autistic, which means they would have to accommodate me. I prefer to say that I have problems with sensory issues because they would shit themselves later if I would have a problem with, for example, people being too loud.
I have nightmares with my mom who traumatized me deeply. I can't get over many things that happened to me so many years ago. I tried therapy many fucking times and nothing helped, I can't even afford therapy anymore because, guess why, I can't find a fucking job. I don't want to get back to my birth giver, I seriously would rather be homeless than come back to this wench.
I exist purely for the reason so people around won't be traumatized. I'm a walking empty shell of an alive vessel. I wish someone would randomly just shoot me in the head or end me quickly, so I won't have to worry about the future anymore. I hate everything around me. Nothing brings me much joy. I don't even want to be helped to be honest. I just wish my birth giver would never be pressured by her family to conceive me.
I hate life itself, everything. Well, maybe not hate - just really much dislike. I'm a negative bomb of pessimism lol. And no one likes that, so I decided to come back and rant here because I know there are people like me, who just don't see purpose in living, and they won't judge me for being negative. And I'm grateful this place exists.
Thank you for your time and reading.
I will admit it, I am tired of everything. I got hospitalized in June for 3 weeks, lied that I love life again and moved on, so they won't hospitalize me any further (it was painfully boring here and tried to de-diagnose my ADHD due to the lack of any professionalism). I was just vibing until now on.
Recently I was crossing the road and I almost got hit by a speeding car. My boyfriend pulled me back by force and yelled to move back. The funniest part about this situation is that I didn't feel any rush of adrenaline nor anxiety - I actually felt quite disappointed that it didn't hit me. Maybe it would end my miserable life.
Now it would be a little over a year since I can't find a fucking job. No one wants to hire me, even for shittiest jobs like being a cashier or as a cleaning service. Nothing. Either because I'm not "qualified enough" (aka I have no experience), I'm not in a university/college (here employers pay no taxes for students) because I didn't get anywhere I wanted to, I did my exams not so well. Oh and I'm autistic, which means they would have to accommodate me. I prefer to say that I have problems with sensory issues because they would shit themselves later if I would have a problem with, for example, people being too loud.
I have nightmares with my mom who traumatized me deeply. I can't get over many things that happened to me so many years ago. I tried therapy many fucking times and nothing helped, I can't even afford therapy anymore because, guess why, I can't find a fucking job. I don't want to get back to my birth giver, I seriously would rather be homeless than come back to this wench.
I exist purely for the reason so people around won't be traumatized. I'm a walking empty shell of an alive vessel. I wish someone would randomly just shoot me in the head or end me quickly, so I won't have to worry about the future anymore. I hate everything around me. Nothing brings me much joy. I don't even want to be helped to be honest. I just wish my birth giver would never be pressured by her family to conceive me.
I hate life itself, everything. Well, maybe not hate - just really much dislike. I'm a negative bomb of pessimism lol. And no one likes that, so I decided to come back and rant here because I know there are people like me, who just don't see purpose in living, and they won't judge me for being negative. And I'm grateful this place exists.
Thank you for your time and reading.
