buying firearms tomorrow... but i am worried about my mom. please help.

[blue_bird]

hi all. idk what my diagnosis is because i've always been told depression and anxiety by doctors. but i know there is something else going on. i think it's borderline. i really lose myself in relationships. i literally lose every piece of my identity. i give them everything i have- money, time, brain power, etc. every decision is about them. everything reminds me of them.

i started dating a good friend of mine who i have known since 2018. we officially started dating in may of 2022, but unofficially in october 2021. during the relationship, i had thoughts about cbt. i wanted to cbt in case we ever broke up, because i knew i wouldnt be able to handle it. and i would rather cbt with the knowledge that he loves me. but he gave me hope. i couldn't do it knowing that there was any possibility we could be together.

a few days ago we broke up. i knew it was coming. we were long distance (about 3 and 1/2 hrs) and tbh neither of us were in the right headspace to pursue a relationship. it was too hard on us. i don't think he ever loved me, but i know he cares about me in the way a person cares for a friend. but obviously this is not enough to sustain me. i know people are going to say this is a stupid reason to cbt. i personally don't care because this is my life and my decision to make. i know i have to do this. i have moments of hope, but there is always pain. and i just cannot fathom a life without this person. i know it sounds crazy, and i know i would technically survive. but i don't want it. i don't care about anything else. and im not saying that to be childish. i just cannot bring myself to care about anything.

and i know that those feelings i just described are not normal. they are not love. they are crazy i know that. but this happens to me constantly, in every relationship. and when im not in one im just as lost and clingy and suicidal and in pain. but i think at the same time i truly did love him. maybe im not mature enough to love people in the way that will keep me from doing this. but i do love him. i think about all the things we will never do together again, how i will never see him again, how i won't know how he is or how his day went. i want the best for him. i want him to find peace and find someone he loves. he's always wanted to live in mexico and travel or backpack. i hope he does those things. he is the only person i think i could ever feel safe with. i just wish i'd done this sooner so he wouldn't feel like he caused me to cbt.

i am also worried about my mom. we are pretty close. she knows about these thoughts. i have told her pieces of what my plan to cbt was. i thought i could hold it together for her. she didn't send me somewhere because she trusted me. i have tried, i really have. but i really can't. i know i can't do this.

i worry that my mom will never recover from this. she might just kill herself too honestly. i dont want that. i don't want my parents to fight about this. they are divorced, and my dad wants me to be in a mental facility somewhere. i am 24, so they can't really make me i guess. but i don't want them to blame each other or feel guilty or blame themselves. i know they will be angry at me. i know this is a selfish decision. i think i am okay with them being angry with me- if that is what brings them peace.

does anyone have any suggestions on how to make something so devastating easier for parents? easier for my ex? i trust this forum won't try to talk me out of the decision to cbt. that is happening no matter what. i just desperately want to make this even just a little bit easier for the people i know it will hurt.

thanks for reading this long ass post.

 

[egirlsuicides]

first of all, sorry abt everything.
secondly, if u worry about upsetting ur mom then maybe try to make it look like you ran away from home?

 

[lukas19]

What guns are you buying?

 

[randy]

I'm waiting for my mom to pass before I ctb. She's elderly so it will probably be only a few years. I don't think a parent should ever have to live to see their child die.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but I believe that the reality is that loss is simply just a part of life. We are all destined to die and lose everything someday no matter what and if people don't wish to deal with grief then they shouldn't bring life here in the first place. I guess that all anyone can do to make it a little bit easier on those left behind is to write a note to act as some kind of explanation so they at least have some kind of closure.

 

[donttellmybf2004]

The part where you talked about an end of your relationship being your reason really resonated with me. I'm cluster B too. I don't know if my advice is any good, but for me I'm leaving a note saying I've been suicidal since I was born. It would have happened no matter what, nobody did anything wrong. I wish you peace, stranger.

 

[Forever Sleep]

If you decide to go ahead with it- I'd say leave a note too. Try to say what you just have really- that you don't want people to start blaming one another. That you knew they were there for you and would have helped you if they could. Plus- I'd say- don't do it at home- save them the trauma of discovering you.

I don't know but I tend to suffer from limerance- a type of obsessive love. Might be worth looking into that if you choose to hold on. It may not be that of course- all my experiences have been unrequited crazy crushes- but limerance does carry that obsessive element to it.

Whatever you decide to do- I wish you all the best.

 

[leloyon]

I remember my mother once said to me that if I committed suicide she would commit suicide, which would cause my brother to commit suicide, which would cause my father to commit suicide.
I don't think you have many options besides either sticking around or trying to minimise the effect as much as you can. I would say follow the advice the others gave regarding the note, if you live with your parents maybe put up a tarp where you do it so nothing stains, wait until they're out and call the cops so they find you instead, or just don't do it at home in the first place.