Venting Butterfly effect

[Loli]

For years I thought that all this suffering is my fault. Because I wasn't strong enough, good enough, confident enough. Last year I opened my eyes and noticed that the truth may not be so simple and huh, I wish I'd be able to unsee it.

During one of the darkest moments I understood how my actions are being controlled by events that happened long time ago, that were completely out of my control. I've given up everything I loved and even myself, tried to make the best, the most rational decisions. I planned my life 15 years ahead in early teenagehood. I've kept saying to myself that I'm over it, I'm bigger than my trauma. And didn't even notice that subconsciously I was fixated on following the patterns marked out by the people who hurt me. When did it happen? And why? I don't know anymore.

Almost all of my most important life choices were wrong. Rational? Yeah, robot-level rational. But still wrong. I tried to run from my past so badly that I ended up walking in circle. It kills me and only gets worse over the time.

But hey, here I am. A "recovered" survivor who ended up having a "good life", doing things that puts zero faith in, belongs nowhere and has zero sense of identity.
I've never had control over my life even when I thought otherwise. I was never free and never will be.

I'm a slave of the butterfly effect.

Thanks to anyone who managed to read this pathethic crywank.
And sorry for my eNgrIsh

 

[ZixivaldYrxes]

The worst is when you know what those patterns are, and where they came from, and still your attempts to change them fail, and nobody else believes that they exist in the first place so you're constantly being fed contradictory information.

 

[Loli]

The worst is when you know what those patterns are, and where they came from, and still your attempts to change them fail, and nobody else believes that they exist in the first place so you're constantly being fed contradictory information.

Exactly. Programmed like Pavlov's dog

 

[ZixivaldYrxes]

Exactly. Programmed like Pavlov's dog

You get me friend.

 

[Donewith_]

what you have written is true, I had low self-esteem as a kid and always hated myself, felt I was not good.. coz of some things i have faced in my early childhood. The people who failed to fulfill their responsibilities in order to make me feel normal, have become old now , and yeah everything can't go as planned.
But, atleast I know the reason. I always had low self-esteem, no much hopes on life which is why its a bit easier for me to give up.. this is true as i have observed it in my childhood too.I always felt it a bit difficult to stand up for myself or to voice my opinion when it is different from other's opinions. It was harder, but there are much worse things happening around, so its ok. But, I see my sibling getting upset over things if they did not go as planned which is when i think people are different though they grow up in a similar environment.