Venting Bus time is approaching for me, anxiety really started to kick in now

[quantumdynamics]

Plan was to ctb in the next 48 hours.
It's almost like I didn't quite realize how final this is, and only now when I prepared my exit pills (KCN), anxiety is hitting me pretty hard. Stomach ache/discomfort, shivering hands, sweating, overall dread...
I didn't have big enough pills so I'll have to swallow 5! I don't if know I can do it.
I'm venting here because just by writing it gets me a bit closer to understanding my fears.
Before I was like "yeah sure just lemme get out of this place I won't hesitate for a second", but now when it's tangible...I'm starting to shake.
cognitive content that arises is I NEED TO BE LOVED
I WANT TO BE LOVED
I JUST NEED A HUG

I'm not gonna do it until I gain some insight into this.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I am hugging you, I feel you. It's ok.

 

[Boochky]

Tight hugs, sweetie!

 

[Vaughn]

can' t you take some light sedative - Ativan or so to calm you ???

 

[Cookiedough8956]

I understand that feeling so much.
I'm so sorry.

 

[GerMann]

Did you made it from K4[Fe(CN)6] ? Some say that swallow KCN hurts bad & hard, but only a very short time.

 

[quantumdynamics]

your comments mean so much thank you
@GerMann I just bought it in this form...legal here

 

[Going Home]

Plan was to ctb in the next 48 hours.
It's almost like I didn't quite realize how final this is, and only now when I prepared my exit pills (KCN), anxiety is hitting me pretty hard. Stomach ache/discomfort, shivering hands, sweating, overall dread...
I didn't have big enough pills so I'll have to swallow 5! I don't if know I can do it.
I'm venting here because just by writing it gets me a bit closer to understanding my fears.
Before I was like "yeah sure just lemme get out of this place I won't hesitate for a second", but now when it's tangible...I'm starting to shake.
cognitive content that arises is I NEED TO BE LOVED
I WANT TO BE LOVED
I JUST NEED A HUG

I'm not gonna do it until I gain some insight into this.

Hugs and peace to you.

 

[Vaughn]

wow- you ssay ''LEGAL HERE"... that was my first choice - can I ask, which country that would be ..as yousay legal..?? wow

 

[Rad Aiko]

I'm hugging you too

 

[GerMann]

Please keep us updated, I hope you got the real stuff.

 

[Donewith_]

Plan was to ctb in the next 48 hours.
It's almost like I didn't quite realize how final this is, and only now when I prepared my exit pills (KCN), anxiety is hitting me pretty hard. Stomach ache/discomfort, shivering hands, sweating, overall dread...
I didn't have big enough pills so I'll have to swallow 5! I don't if know I can do it.
I'm venting here because just by writing it gets me a bit closer to understanding my fears.
Before I was like "yeah sure just lemme get out of this place I won't hesitate for a second", but now when it's tangible...I'm starting to shake.
cognitive content that arises is I NEED TO BE LOVED
I WANT TO BE LOVED
I JUST NEED A HUG

I'm not gonna do it until I gain some insight into this.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. We are here for you.. I mean it. I wanted someone to hug me and say 'i'm here for you' when I tried to ctb on impulse. I have never listened those words when I needed them badly.
You are not alone in this. Hope you find your peace

 

[JustAboutDone]

This totally makes sense. It feels like although you definitely want to ctb there is still that part of you that wants to be loved needed and wanted. And part of you wants to wait to have that first. Always remember this: you can ctb any time you want in your entire lifetime, it doesn't have to be this moment. If your heart is telling you to wait for love then wait. Head and heart have to be both saying the same thing to ctb with a clear mind

 

[Querry1]

From my experience it's better to not put much pressure on yourself, just have a plan and one week before decide if you want to ctb or not. If not, you can stay, no pressure. The con here is you can prolong it forever...

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I'm sorry. You seem really scared. I was terrified and lonely durring my last attempt. We're all here for you.

 

[quantumdynamics]

oh boy, being human sure is something.
I tend to adopt this mindset, that it's never too late to catch the old automotive public transportation four wheeler ););

I should open up more to my family. tell them I quit my job. get a bunch of things off my heart. and see how things will roll..

 

[JustAboutDone]

oh boy, being human sure is something.
I tend to adopt this mindset, that it's never too late to catch the old automotive public transportation four wheeler ););

I should open up more to my family. tell them I quit my job. get a bunch of things off my heart. and see how things will roll..

Talk to them and see what happens - hopefully they will surprise you with lots of love and support

 

[quantumdynamics]

that's so sweet of you <3
I already talked to my mom a lot, even about ending it, I know she will be supportive.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'm so glad you have your mum's support - because that means you don't need to be alone through this time in your life. Talk to her and your family and friends and see what evolves from there. I've always believed the very best time to ctb is when the pain of dying is no longer scary as the agony of living is much worse. So if there is anything you think you'd like to try first then do it. X

 

[mpti]

I NEED TO BE LOVED
I WANT TO BE LOVED
I JUST NEED A HUG

This hit me hard. Because that's what I really want too, to just be loved and cared about and held and appreciated. Lonlieness and hopelessness are a big reason why I want to die in the first place, and while it definitely wouldn't fix me, a hug would definitely help.

Sending you lots of love and wishing you well no matter what you decide to do.

 

[bigj75]

Take a drink if you need to to ease the anxiety

 

[Made4TV]

I think this is normal when you get to this point and are serious about following through. It's final...it becomes hyper-real....and I have experienced the same thing. It's definitely a good time to take stock and see if you have any other viable options.

 

[Made4TV]

And if there are no acceptable viable options... then you need to figure out how to get past the fear. It's an interesting state of mind and made me decide to pursue a few more things as a last ditch effort.

 

[goxua]

Hugs, love and understanding x