Venting Bulimia is worth dying for

[glitchgirl]

I'm weighing my options again (no pun intended) but most of my depression comes from this relentless condition. The one thing that affects me every single day, and it hurts. My teeth are rotting, stained yellow and full of deep cavities. I've had my wisdom teeth removed in hospital and deep painful procedures to save my other infected teeth. The pain was easily a 9 since I've never experienced pain for months to the point of depending on strong painkillers just to get a few hours of sleep. I have a deeper cavity my dentist found a few weeks ago, and this one is giving me a lot of pain but I'm embarrassed to go back. He doesn't seem to understand that my stomach acid has caused my teeth to erode etc and not just the crap ton of sugar I consume on a daily basis to keep myself functioning. I know that doesn't help but I know who the main culprit is. I wish I had never developed bulimia, yeah I lost 7 stone (over 130lbs) get complimented about how good I look. Can fit into small sizes and feel confident but that's just the façade. Inside I'm hurting, stretch marks all over my body, loose and saggy breasts that make me look like an 80 year old. Feeling exhausted after walking up 1 flight of stairs just to get to my flat. And the constant weakness and damage I'm doing to my heart is worth dying for. I'm not going to live long anyway if I choose recovery since the damage is done, and I could drop dead from low potassium any day. So please if you are chubby or have an extra amount of fat, it's not the end of the world and you should be fine if you make sure to excerise and eat well. Don't do what I did, it isn't worth it. I'd do anything to go back in time last year and listen to the guy who told me he loved my body for how it is. But it's too late now. I'm sorry mummy for worrying you about my size and throwing up the delicious spaghetti bolognaise you made just for me.

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry hun to hear your suffering. sending you a big hug to you.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Damn, I feel this in my soul.
The heart palpitations, the burning in my throat.
2 layers of clothes in summer.
Not being able to keep down food properly anymore, always throwing up a little anyway.
Punching my stomach with wooden frames of the canvases I paint on, tying off my waist so hard I cant breathe, weighing myself in clothes pre purge and post purge, and then again naked, chugging saltwater and crying because my metabolism is so fucked Im gaining anyway no matter what I do.
Teeth aching, dont have money for root canals, pop opiates like theyre candy, exercising for hours because I dont want to vomit anymore but I need to get rid of the food.
Eating my gradmas delicious meal, throwing it up under the bridge. Wiping hands on the tower that got a new paintjob, keep cramming paint stained fingers in my throat anyway
Eating spoilt food, and food off the floor, cause I dont care anymore, not like its going to stay down long enough to hurt me
Fancy date with a new guy - then go home, lock myself in the bathroom with a plastic bag in the shower.
Travel 380 km for a treatment center - 'sorry, youre not sick enough'.
Doctors be like 'what eating disorder, your weight is normal, youre fine'.

A special kind of hell is hating ourselves so hard that we choose to do this....

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. That sounds unpleasant and painful. I know what you mean about society's part in it. The skinnier people get the more they are praised and encouraged. Between eating disorder encouraging and fat shaming it's really messed up how society treats people about weight. Sending you hugs.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

if you are actually losing weight through bulimia you are the exception. usually people gain or remain the same..

 

[BridgeJumper]

if you are actually losing weight through bulimia you are the exception. usually people gain or remain the same..

Dont think its helfpful,
We never think were thin enough, theres no such thing as too thin. We loose 25 kg and still loathe ourselves.
So what if its 'exception'. Not good enough.
Same suffering, different weights. I made the most serious attempt at my life when I was underweight, now Im chubby and I feel exactly the same.

 

[xLosthopex]

Hi Anorexic here! But currently dealing with the binge/purge subtype so I understand your pain. I was actually going to make a post asking if anyone else here was dealing with this so it's nice to know I'm not alone, but of course I'm also sorry that you're going through this. I like the fact that I lose so much weight from b/p but the physical effects of it are hell, just one of the many reasons I will be catching my bus very soon