Venting Brother - advice appreciated

[Smilla]

I will try to make this as brief as I can.

I have an older brother and a nephew (my only family as my father is dead and my mom has dementia)...

He is wildly successful, both professionally and socially—the complete opposite of me.

Growing up I experienced abuse from him, which was in the form of lots of put-downs about my looks (some in front of others), my lack of intelligence as perceived by him, and my social ineptness. All of this continued well into adulthood—and continues to effect me to this day.

He sends the occasional texts with photos of my nephew (who is 9 and to whom I had grown close at one point and adored), but we haven't spoken on the phone in over a year, and I believe I am experiencing PTSD symptoms from his treatment of me through the years.

Growing up I adored him in a syncophant fashion but I can safely say that I do not love him at all now—certiainly I don't will him misfortune but I have lost all respect for him because of his cruelty. I received a box of food for Christmas with another "I love you" message which obviously rings tremendously hollow and shallow.

He knows I am suicidal.

Anything I can do to before I go to end the "relationship", short of telling him off or blocking him?

Really appreciate words of advice/wisdom/insight.

 

[TiredHorse]

I suspect that your suicide, without an attempt on your part to reach out to him for help, will tell the tale without much ambiguity. If you feel any implications might have been too obtuse for him, a concise note would likely drive the point home.

Besides, if he knows you're suicidal, and you sever all connections pre-ctb, he might take matters into his own hands and call in a welfare check on you. That might be inconvenient.

Hard to say, though; I don't know the fellow.

 

[IfHeDiesHeDies]

It doesn't seem you are part of his life and if you haven't even spoken to him over the phone for over a year. I don't think you have much to worry about.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Sorry to hear this. I've been through the wringer with my older, more successful siblings a number of times and it always seems to be messy and awkward whenever I want to have some proper dialog about the not so great aspects of our relationships.

I've now largely left it alone, not because I'm okay with any of it, but because the nature of the dynamic always ensures I'm somehow put back in my place like some underperforming schoolboy.

These situations are really tricky to navigate. I think you can either leave it be, or give it one more shot by way of a truthful letter or email before you go. It might be difficult to write and express exactly how you feel without being too scathing though. My advice would be to only do it if you can get it done in a way that feels good for you, without going off the deep end, as tempting as it might be. Think about how you want to leave things with him if you do write it down, as it may of course be final if you're suicidal.

I feel this post maybe isn't as helpful as I'd like it to be, but I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Smilla]

It doesn't seem you are part of his life and if you haven't even spoken to him over the phone for over a year. I don't think you have much to worry about.

He's still my brother and still sends gifts and texts, as I did for my nephew—it's not a complete estrangement, would be much easier if it was.

 

[IfHeDiesHeDies]

He's still my brother and still sends gifts and texts, as I did for my nephew—it's not a complete estrangement, would be much easier if it was.

I understand but I think you are overthinking this. He knows you are suicidal but didn't even bother to contact you for over a year. It kinda shows how much he cares.

 

[Smilla]

I understand but I think you are overthinking this. He knows you are suicidal but didn't even bother to contact you for over a year. It kinda shows how much he cares.

That's very true.

 

[Kyrok]

Given how little contact you have, why bother saying anything? Maybe one day things will be different, but in the mean time, let him be a stranger.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I dislike my brother too. I've ghosted him with no explanation at all.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Sometimes it feels family relationships can be so grim and drain the life out of you. Especially if you have a parent/ parents that don't encourage siblings to love each other and work together when they are little.

For what it's worth, I have older brothers - one I am close to and we speak openly about our childhood being bad. We've had rough times but keeping the dialogue open between us has kept our relationship going. Two others I don't speak to at all. They were bullying and abusive and I doubt they give a damn about me or me them.

You seem to care deeply for your nephew and would like a relationship with him and to keep that going you probably need to stay in touch in some way with your brother. Do you think he knows how he is behaving towards you when you are vulnerable? Or is he a bit of a narcissist? Sometimes people are a bit thick and just don't know how they come across; maybe if you meet him for a drink and spell it out for him or write him a note then at least you know in your heart you've done 100%. After that - bin him.

Hugs

Bloody families. I'd rather be raised by wolves.

 

[killing me softly]

i think it depends on what you're hoping for. do you want to end the relationship for a sense of closure? and if so is the closure for you or him?
do you want an opportunity to let him know how much he hurt you or do you want a chance to talk through it and maybe forgive him? or is it simply a final goodbye because sh*t is just hard to leave open ended?

any and all of these (or others) are reasonable, i think. i just encourage you to know why you want to do it. i would fear for you that if you don't know, the conversation could easily derail.

also, i think you should be prepared that this type of conversation is very likely to not go how you plan.

 

[Life sucks]

Hi,
I can't write much due to time and problems. I don't know the details but I want to point how words can be destructive.

I hate the word "success" and "successful", it made you view yourself as the opposite "unsuccessful" which hurts you. So what's this "success"? Getting money? Talking to others or whatever? All of this shit while abusing you? Fuck "success" and fuck the society and everything if it means to hurt you and make you suffer.

You are not "unsuccessful" Smilla, this world is shit and those humans are toxic.

 

[MAC10]

If you do ctb he will probably feel sad for a couple days and forget about you completely, whereas if it were the other way round you wouldn't be sad but you would think about him everyday...

That's just how life works, the rich get richer.