If you look at my post history you will see I was keen on a death around Jan of 2018 or 2019 (I forget the date, but you can check if it's important).
I wanted to take N, but the whole thing didn't work for my life that exists. My choice is my own and I wish no I'll towards others.
So I started binging food. I gained about another 75-80 lbs and started really feeling gross about my obesity. I felt constant heart palpitations and had a bunch of health issues. I was extremely depressed too. It made earning money from my job quiet hard. I even ended up getting a warning for my poor work.
Then in August 2020 I wake up with a killer headache. I ask for water and as I stand I fall. Completely incapable of moving any part of myself. In my mind I thought that this wasn't how I wanted to go but at least it looked like purely bad physical health. I thought I was having a heart attack without knowing. I fel incredible pain. The most pain I have ever felt.
It was the height of covid and many hospitals didn't allow visitors for any reason. This includes life of death surgeries.
Through a two physician ruling they decided to operate and 'save' my life.
I was young for this sort of thing but a vessel busted in the rear bottom portion of my brain. The blood was causing pressure to build so basically my brain was being damaged and drowning in blood.
It was horrific pain and I begged for death until I passed out. Woke up 2 months later in a rehabilitation center with no use of my lower body. I was incapable of so much. I had what is known as a Stroke.
The only reason I'm alive is because I'm literally a 10 minute ride from a major hospitals capable of brain surgery. They said I had minutes before I was definitely dead. Minutes to the freedom I craved and then BOOM I am here.
I hate that they 'saved' me.
Advice for anyone seriously considering to ctb. Make sure your hospital has your Advanced Healthcare Directive updated. If I had mine then maybe my wishes would have been carried through. I wouldn't be writing a post. I would be dead and dust.
I am now at the point where I am completely in control of myself and yet I'm far more incapable and in debt then when I went in. I'm trapped in this new disabled reality. It really fucking sucks. People in my life get weird around me. My own girlfriend is miserable and my best friend is just having a twisted reality because she is in the worst end of her BPD mania.
I have no one and nothing. I am nothing and now I'm disabled and nothing. I hate to be so incapable. I hate being stuck on relying on free healthcare that isn't going to get me anywhere.
This time I'm too angry and too disabled to give life a chance. I'm after N. I do need help contacting whomever is good for it.
On top of my maddening depression and ongoing SOCD I'm disabled and my memory is shit. I don't want to exist like this. I find to joy from this. Nothing lived and learned. Only lesson here is don't try to fatten yourself up so you die faster. Just do what needs to be done. Or you get sort of trapped in this ridiculous phase. I've never hated myself more than I do now. I live in constant physical and emotional pain. It's always distracting to me. The pain is distracting.
I am tired. I have loved and experienced much. I learned a lot too. My stroke caused long term memory loss and I struggle a bit with short term but it's hardly a problem since I cannot work.
I need help finding a suitable method. I prefer N and need anti emetics as well. If anyone can pm I do appreciate it.
I have the peaceful pill book downloaded as well. I'm really mapping out plans at this point. Plan A, B, and C. I can't screw up. I need relief. Im so exhausted and heartbroken over my failure.
In all honesty it has taken a lot of me to not take all the new medications in one go. So many pills to my day. About 14 pills now. I get a month to three months per bottle. I have considered downing it all with a coffee in the morning. Taking the recommended sleepy pills and hopefully never waking up or realizing the pain these medications may lead to. I only fear I just barf it all up and I'm more stuck in life than before.
I need a better guarantee. I can't wait in my heart to fail as I'm sure my mind would go first.
I wanted to take N, but the whole thing didn't work for my life that exists. My choice is my own and I wish no I'll towards others.
So I started binging food. I gained about another 75-80 lbs and started really feeling gross about my obesity. I felt constant heart palpitations and had a bunch of health issues. I was extremely depressed too. It made earning money from my job quiet hard. I even ended up getting a warning for my poor work.
Then in August 2020 I wake up with a killer headache. I ask for water and as I stand I fall. Completely incapable of moving any part of myself. In my mind I thought that this wasn't how I wanted to go but at least it looked like purely bad physical health. I thought I was having a heart attack without knowing. I fel incredible pain. The most pain I have ever felt.
It was the height of covid and many hospitals didn't allow visitors for any reason. This includes life of death surgeries.
Through a two physician ruling they decided to operate and 'save' my life.
I was young for this sort of thing but a vessel busted in the rear bottom portion of my brain. The blood was causing pressure to build so basically my brain was being damaged and drowning in blood.
It was horrific pain and I begged for death until I passed out. Woke up 2 months later in a rehabilitation center with no use of my lower body. I was incapable of so much. I had what is known as a Stroke.
The only reason I'm alive is because I'm literally a 10 minute ride from a major hospitals capable of brain surgery. They said I had minutes before I was definitely dead. Minutes to the freedom I craved and then BOOM I am here.
I hate that they 'saved' me.
Advice for anyone seriously considering to ctb. Make sure your hospital has your Advanced Healthcare Directive updated. If I had mine then maybe my wishes would have been carried through. I wouldn't be writing a post. I would be dead and dust.
I am now at the point where I am completely in control of myself and yet I'm far more incapable and in debt then when I went in. I'm trapped in this new disabled reality. It really fucking sucks. People in my life get weird around me. My own girlfriend is miserable and my best friend is just having a twisted reality because she is in the worst end of her BPD mania.
I have no one and nothing. I am nothing and now I'm disabled and nothing. I hate to be so incapable. I hate being stuck on relying on free healthcare that isn't going to get me anywhere.
This time I'm too angry and too disabled to give life a chance. I'm after N. I do need help contacting whomever is good for it.
On top of my maddening depression and ongoing SOCD I'm disabled and my memory is shit. I don't want to exist like this. I find to joy from this. Nothing lived and learned. Only lesson here is don't try to fatten yourself up so you die faster. Just do what needs to be done. Or you get sort of trapped in this ridiculous phase. I've never hated myself more than I do now. I live in constant physical and emotional pain. It's always distracting to me. The pain is distracting.
I am tired. I have loved and experienced much. I learned a lot too. My stroke caused long term memory loss and I struggle a bit with short term but it's hardly a problem since I cannot work.
I need help finding a suitable method. I prefer N and need anti emetics as well. If anyone can pm I do appreciate it.
I have the peaceful pill book downloaded as well. I'm really mapping out plans at this point. Plan A, B, and C. I can't screw up. I need relief. Im so exhausted and heartbroken over my failure.
In all honesty it has taken a lot of me to not take all the new medications in one go. So many pills to my day. About 14 pills now. I get a month to three months per bottle. I have considered downing it all with a coffee in the morning. Taking the recommended sleepy pills and hopefully never waking up or realizing the pain these medications may lead to. I only fear I just barf it all up and I'm more stuck in life than before.
I need a better guarantee. I can't wait in my heart to fail as I'm sure my mind would go first.
