Help Bringing this “topic” into a relationship?

[SoapyLL]

I've been planning to ctb for a very long time now, and my day isn't here yet as I still have a year and five months left, but something concerning has been brought into the picture. I've managed to get myself into a relationship, my very first one. I've never had experience and I didn't think I would, I have a lot of issues with my own inability to "want" real sex and receiving affection is extremely difficult. But when he asked me out I got so happy and said yes and when we talk I just don't think realistically and go on about what I like and want and he agrees.

We've only been together for a few weeks but I've shared my first kiss, make-out session, and a little more but nothing much. He's so very kind, genuine, clingy, needs reassurance and verbal consent, he's so fun, and I really connect with him but sometimes I realize this might not be right? Or morally okay?

I mean he wants everything that I really "want" but in retrospect, I know that I'm talking about dreams and desires not actually smth I think I'm going to achieve one day, and he doesn't know that.

I've only ever warned him about SH-scars covering my legs but my ctb-date is set in time and this is really all a waste of HIS time. I feel fucking awful since I've been super up-front about really liking him and wanting are relationship to go far, I feel like it would tear him apart if I just break up with him out of the blue thinking he did smth wrong? What makes it even more complicated is that he's an associate for another dept. in the same company I work. It'd be IMPOSSIBLE not to see him the majority of the week if I did end things.

Can I really bring a topic like this up? Like extremely fluffed and gently, not so much "I'm gonna ctb but I thought you'd make a great husband and dad"… If I can somehow explain things down-to-Earth he might just understand that I don't want to risk hurting him a LOT in the future if I just pretended and then decided to still ctb. He wants a partner, a companion, and a family, and I don't think I can give that to him even if we've been going great.

I feel so angry and distraught that I brought this man into something he didn't deserve to have to be a part of. Where do I even go from here?

 

[astr4]

i would be careful with how much you disclose, esp with the work situation. people are well intentioned but can always get you institutionalized when they feel overwhelmed…

 

[-nobodyknows-]

You need to tell him.

 

[Traveller12724]

Wait a second, you guys are still in the honeymoon phase where everything is great but the truth is things won't always be great and you will have many chances to get out if you still want to ctb in 17months.

Why not enjoy it for now and see where things go and if things start getting heavy and you still want to ctb in 12 months, you can break up with him and just say that your needs have changed or something.

Telling him anything that is even remotely related to ctb will only make him think that you need help and that you can be saved with proper intervention, remember the normies don't understand this shit and they will try to get you saved at any cost even if that means going straight to your family or psych ward.

 

[dynastickitten]

Why do you think your goals and desires in life aren't realistic?

 

[rozeske]

Anything can happen in 17 months. Any changes from your side or the relationship.

 

[RAJ GHRANDHICK]

Ur gonna make him ctb


And plz consider not killing urself ur getting loved by someone it will only get better from here

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think personally, I would talk about having ideation in the past. Like it's something that has troubled you previously. That would guage his reaction to the subject in general and would give him some warning that it's something you would in theory consider doing.

Honestly, I think it's only fair that someone knows if they want to get close. It's such a tricky situation really. Not really your fault though. We're only human. For whatever reason, we're stuck here living day to day. Of course we want to feel comforted where we can. I'd feel so confused if I met someone now. It's something I've always wanted. I don't really know what I'd do. I think it's only fair to consider him though and to try to warn him. Then, it's more up to him.

Like others have said though, things could substancially change for you now I guess. I hope they do. I hope you both get to enjoy this time anyhow.

 

[SoapyLL]

i would be careful with how much you disclose, esp with the work situation. people are well intentioned but can always get you institutionalized when they feel overwhelmed…

This was a big problem I was thinking about, I know he would mean well but it's one of my biggest fears to be institutionalized—like it'd be a nightmare, practically being kidnapped and losing all control over my life just because I said a little too much. With work I wouldn't want him to say anything concerning or report me for anything.

Wait a second, you guys are still in the honeymoon phase where everything is great but the truth is things won't always be great and you will have many chances to get out if you still want to ctb in 17months.

Why not enjoy it for now and see where things go and if things start getting heavy and you still want to ctb in 12 months, you can break up with him and just say that your needs have changed or something.

Telling him anything that is even remotely related to ctb will only make him think that you need help and that you can be saved with proper intervention, remember the normies don't understand this shit and they will try to get you saved at any cost even if that means going straight to your family or psych ward.

I know were both definitely a little "high" on feelings in the honeymoon phase so things could always end naturally, but when I started thinking about it I realized it might be good to have a backup plan, y'know? I'd want him to have time to sorta move on before I just ctb because he would immediately hear about it or be told, I don't think I could bring myself to do it if I knew he'd think it came out of left field or god forbid he think he had smth to do with it y'know?

 

[SoapyLL]

I think personally, I would talk about having ideation in the past. Like it's something that has troubled you previously. That would guage his reaction to the subject in general and would give him some warning that it's something you would in theory consider doing.

Honestly, I think it's only fair that someone knows if they want to get close. It's such a tricky situation really. Not really your fault though. We're only human. For whatever reason, we're stuck here living day to day. Of course we want to feel comforted where we can. I'd feel so confused if I met someone now. It's something I've always wanted. I don't really know what I'd do. I think it's only fair to consider him though and to try to warn him. Then, it's more up to him.

Like others have said though, things could substancially change for you now I guess. I hope they do. I hope you both get to enjoy this time anyhow.

I really never thought this would be something I'd struggle with. I mean I've always had issues with subconsciously getting comfort from people and things but trying to stop it before I hurt somebody but a relationship is a lot more. I think at the very least, if we end up getting serious and we last longer than the next 5 months, I'll bring up my past ideation and how depression isn't very predictable. If for someone reason I think I don't want to ctb, I want him to be able to make an informed decision on a relationship.