breaking news: 11 time (minimum) ctb survivor decides agaisnt current ctb plans, for now.

[sourpink]

disclaimer: I'm still pro choice about the right to die and the right to bodily autonomy. I'm just explaining that I've decided to stick around a while longer. I don't know how long but I'm going to try.
additionally this decision probably would have been brought to light in my mind regardless of my membership here on SS but I'm not saying anything negative about this community either.

hello all.
I know I've been a member all of like, 2 or 3 days. so I understand that what I need to chat about is or could be perceived as less than believable or flaky.
I kinda don't care, tho.
I just cancelled my VPN subscription. I did that because I pretty much only acquired the VPN I'd been using so that I could ctb with hopefully no trail or trace.
so when I say I cancelled that subscription please understand I'm fairly sure about how I'm feeling. I'm also not at all discounting how I felt 2 days ago.
when I made my intro post a few days ago it was not at all an act of impulsivity, I had been planning to ctb before my next birthday since my most recent birthday.
and prior to that, I had already been giving complete consideration to giving up everything- by 'everything', I mean the very minimal few things I actually feel having any meaning at all in my existence.
I am scared as hell, probably beyond that feeling in intensity honestly. but I think I want to give myself one last chance to feel anything positive existing in this body and this lifetime.
I feel like a fraud saying that.
but then again, of course yes I still feel incredibly at odds with my brain and my experiences throughout this life. I still want to ctb. no question about that, and if my preferred method were offered up to me right now or next week or whenever more than likely I'd take that leap and attempt. I know that survival instincts are basically hard wired into our brains and bodies. I do feel though that I've had "enough practice" getting used to what SI kicking in feels like that I know how to fight it and I have fought that SI in past. I just always ended up being found and rescued. I didn't ever want or appreciate being rescued.
I know recovery isn't linear and I've come out the other side victorious so far with one addiction. it's been over 10 years and I've never gone back to coke. I don't even want to anymore, though I know myself well enough to know and I can be authentic enough to admit that if I were offered a line or an 8 ball or any fucking amount I would take it without question. without any doubt in my mind I know I would cave in.
that is the approach I know I need to take with regard to existing a little longer.
I don't plan to die a natural death. I'm sure whenever the time is right I will ctb and exit on my terms and my timeline.
but after over a year at least of feeling this level of intensity with ideation and having been more committed to it than ever. being more prepared than ever. and being more at peace with that decision than ever, things have changed.
I'm not entirely sure how to feel about that either. I got really comfortable because I knew I only had so much time left before my exit. now that I'm allowing myself what feels like an infinite amount of time I am scared shitless.
I know a lot of the damage I've done to my body is irreversible and irreparable.
anorexia does that.
drug addiction does that.
self harm does that.
the list doesn't end there but there are some things I'd really rather not let the people viewing this post know.
so I know the odds are against my survival here, well aware. and that actually brings me great comfort.
I guess I'm saying this:
I'm giving recovery one last go, but I'm actually going to throw myself in and invest in it authentically this time. I'm still going to leave early and by my own hand eventually but I'm accepting that that departure doesn't have to be the date I'd chosen, and in reality I won't have any way of knowing how long I have left or how long I'll end up giving myself. I'm just as aware my situation and circumstances are not suddenly different and improved just because I'm giving my life another chance. I'm still fucking poor as hell, still disabled, still haven't worked in 7 or 8 years and all I have is a GED and a give em hell attitude.
things do not magically improve when you decide to keep trying to breathe.
and maybe it'll get worse and I'll end up fully concrete in deciding every detail of ctb'ing. who knows? anything is possible.
what's making me at all comfortable with the thought of not being dead this time next year is that I know very little for certain, and certainty is usually subjective anyway.
I've never understood why music (writing it or playing or listening to it) has in past sometimes given me that 5% chance I need to pull myself out of the grave I've dug myself and gotten into.
but, it does. and it is now.
I'm going to see my next birthday.
I guess I'm not joining that exclusive 27 club. ah well. then again I could very well change my mind again and end up with that VIP membership. who the fuck knows? spoiler, the answer is no one.
out of total happenstance I came across a rebooked tour date one of my favorite bands listed.
I listen to a lot of different genres, but punk and punk subgenres make me want to live. living when all I want to do is ctb is the most punk shit I've ever fucking done.
the date of this rescheduled show is on my next birthday.
they'll be playing when my exact hour and minute of birth hits.
so what the hell? why not order tickets? if that's what's giving me hope, ok. I'll take it. I know I might not live to see that day but nothing, nothing ever is certain.
I'm giving my life one final chance to prove to me that it is worth sticking around for more of it to be experienced.
I know this might to a lot of folks be perceived as bullshit or make me look indecisive or flaky, but here's the thing - I do not care.
no one knows anyone's experience and mindset and strength of conviction better than the person in question.
so if you feel I joined and then realised I wasn't serious or got scared straight or whatever you would like to believe, I'm not stopping you. go for it. believe what makes you comfortable or what you think is true. truth is relative anyway.
but I think allowing, no, granting myself one last chance to be as certain as is possible about whether I need to exit in 5 months or some date more nebulous to me right now... I think that is ok. I don't think that makes me flaky. I don't think that changes how sure I felt 2 days ago or 2 months ago or a year ago.
you're all totally free to your own conclusions here of course. they don't affect me. even if they did, i cannot control the judgments others make even subconsciously.

I dunno if I'm going to self ban or disable my account, or stick around. I really don't know about that yet.
but I'm not likely to be very talkative in chat or in messages.
some of you are really lovely humans, and none of you have anything to do with this turnaround to the best of my knowledge.
nor do I suddenly have any less respect or understanding for ctb'ing as well as the mindset. I absolutely still have that mindset right now.

it's more terrifying to me to keep living than it would be to ctb.
I have always wholeheartedly believed one should write the thing they are most afraid to write.
basically, be brutally honest. live authentically.
because who knows? maybe it could be worth it. maybe shit could be ok or maybe even get like .2% more positive.

I won't know if I don't try.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

nobody has the right to judge you or call you flaky or any of those things. clearly, you've thought about ctb for a long time. there's nothing wrong with postponing it.

i hope you find peace, no matter what you decide.

 

[sourpink]

@VIBRITANNIA thank you so much, friend. that kindness and understanding is very much appreciated, and it's why I felt comfortable joining this community in the first place.

(all right. I did end up editing, I didn't want to burden you with reading what I'm about to ramble about as if it were directed at you. it's simply a collection of some of the thoughts I had in processing what you said. I know this is weird to insert but if anyone reads til the end it'll make more sense, but really it's just me rambling about self acceptance.)

right now I'm feeling so much duality - I'm petrified to stay alive, yet here I sit, celebrating that choice enjoying a beer after eating something closer to a normal amount of food for a meal than I have in weeks. I don't know what my life could look like if I make progress in recovery, I'm actually quite afraid that I won't know who i am without the diagnoses and their symptoms to let me know how I feel, or what to feel. and afraid I straight up will not recognize myself.
(that's uncomfortable for me on a few levels, not just the more common feeling that one is unsure of their identity.)
I'm definitely not saying ctb'ing is off the proverbial table. what I'm saying is more that I'm allowing space for alternatives. and that's new, so it's uncomfortable and scary.
preparing for what I knew would be my final ctb attempt gave me more relief than I've felt in a long time, longer than I can remember.
now that I'm trying to tell myself I'm allowed to consider alternatives I'm feeling so much I can't name.
of course I still wish it could all be over instantly and be done and wash my hands of all memory of life in this body, I absolutely am still feeling suicidal. but it's moving back toward passivity from being so active. I don't know how to cope with the feelings that brings up either.
I kind of feel like there's no winning for me, but then again, no one's life is exactly as they'd like it to be. even when you achieve a goal, or more, or all that you initially wanted to achieve, there's always something, major or not that feels off or less than perfect or maybe it is super terrible.
I'm trying to allow myself to consider the perspective I'm always telling others to keep in mind.
I'm so sorry to @ you and then end up rambling so much, pal.

your kind words mean a lot. your kind words remind me that to other people, I'm not the person I see when I look at myself, and if that's true, I technically am just as worthy of positive potential as anyone else.
and that is one of my biggest core beliefs I cannot get over, or at least haven't been able to yet in 8 years of treatment.

again, I'm sorry. somehow and for whatever reason I'm having a much much harder time choosing to live than I had preparing to die (that's fucked up, but that's my internal dialogue for you).
thank you.
in very few words you said enough for me to think about and as a result draw all the conclusions I have written out here.

(on literally every other platform I would delete everything but "aw, thank you, @ [username] that makes me feel better/understood/heard/valued/etc whatever actually positive thing"
on every other platform I would delete my word vomit philosophizing because I'm not a very 'comfortable in vulnerability' kind of human.
I get the sense and vibe here in this community that being raw and authentic matters and is valued. and that's really what I try to focus on or be all about when I'm advocating for disability awareness and self prioritization.
oh boy do I ever need to go back to the talk therapy piece of treatment.
I'm embarrassed. but I'm leaving this unedited both for accountability and in the spirit of practicing what I promote.)
more rambling but here's a small realization:
2 days ago my thoughts were: I'm going to have a shittier than average life, and an early death that will probably be unpleasant for me or those around me or both. if I don't ctb. why the hell not speed up the process and just be done with it and move along?? why not leave on my timeline and my terms? why can't I have it my way?
in this moment this is my thought: that's all still true - but why is it so important that I leave so soon (i get why a lot of people feel waiting 2 days is too long and I've felt that way myself), and why is it so important that I make the statement of dying at 27? I'm aware of how that could look like I'm a very self important entitled person which is odd to me as I really dont value myself.

(I'm still insistent that I will leave my way, as I see nothing morally or ethically or spiritually wrong with that decision. though perhaps I should examine why I need to hyper focus on having control over something at all times, example being right now I'm feeling I should give life in this body with the experience I've had another chance while simultaneously acknowledging that no fucking way am I ready for ED treatment. huh. anyway.)

if my rambling annoys anyone please let me know and I can like.. write those thoughts out more privately.

 

[CuddleHug]

so if you feel I joined and then realised I wasn't serious or got scared straight or whatever you would like to believe, I'm not stopping you. go for it. believe what makes you comfortable or what you think is true. truth is relative anyway

I just want to say that no one would think that way here, especially not in the Recovery section. We are pro choice, and we respect any decision you might have about living or CTB. This website is actually one of the best communities I have ever seen. Being able to talk freely about any difficult feelings you have is amazing.

Please feel free to stick around here in the Recovery section and keep us word vomited on Seriously, though, writing out your thoughts like this can be very therapeutic and I for one would be happy to follow along on your journey to a better life. You are of course completely free to choose to move on and stay away from this site if it brings you negative feelings or will be reminded of how strongly you wanted to CTB.

Many many many hugs and well wishes

 

[sourpink]

@CuddleHug thank you for your kindness and your understanding.
I have this lifelong core belief that I hold no value or worth while everyone else, and i mean everyone, anyone who isn't me deserves the world. it's a tough one to shake. so even in this such a welcoming space I feel the need to be on guard a little. it's not any of you, it's just the way my mind works.
your reassurance helps a lot.
thank you, friend.

 

[CuddleHug]

I have this lifelong core belief that I hold no value or worth while everyone else, and i mean everyone, anyone who isn't me deserves the world.

I am exactly the same, but I try to keep it to myself because no one ever agrees with me. My therapist and I often go in circles around this because she can't fathom how deep my belief of worthlessness is, and I refuse to change my point of view. We have gotten to the point where I can accept that others may find worth in me even if I don't agree, but beyond that I am lost.

 

[sourpink]

@CuddleHug ... that's pretty damn close to my experience trying to work through my core beliefs about my lack of worthiness or deserving anything with multiple therapists. I can uncomfortably accept that others feel differently about me that way, but I cannot budge on how I see myself. I can understand, to some extent, why someone would want to attempt to convince me their perspective is more accurate or closer to reality than my point of view and I can even look at it as an outsider and be like "yep, this human (me) is just another human and everyone is worthy and deserving."
and then I step back in and I bring back that first person point of view I'm like "nope not for me."
I tend to keep the intensity of that belief to myself, but it has come up in conversations with very close friends when sharing mental illness woes.
I have one friend I tell more about my mental state than any other friend and they're almost always completely able to relate, but I can't tell them how deep it runs because I know that would be seen by them as like, a major warning sign to make sure I'm ok. either that, or they'd feel just as lacking in worth and feeling unworthy and we might end up talking about ctb'ing for real instead of just implying we're doing badly via memes that imply ideation.
I think the latter would bother me, so that's probably why I don't speak up about that aspect or my experience as a mentally ill disabled person (which I tend to do on my socials, because I'm not able to work and really have nothing to try to achieve in general so I feel productive in speaking up about mental illness and stigma and symptoms and less talked about symptoms and how varied they can look, I try to cover as much perspective as possible with the biases I just automatically hold by having the diagnoses I have and my life experience)

.... I just noticed now that I wrote a reply and never posted it?? this is what dissociative symptoms look like, y'all. sorry to leave no reply (I thought I had posted it! lol) but better late than never I guess?