Breakdowns And Black Dogs

[CaptainT]

So far I've used this forum for fact finding rather than being more honest about my situation. Never been good at saying what happened or sharing personal stuff but I really appreciate the PMs people have sent asking if they can lend an ear. Now because I know there's just a few days left on here for me I thought sod it, just try and put down what's going on. I resist because it feels like moaning, playing the victim or being self-indulgent but fuck it, here goes nothing...

I'm very good at (or was good at) faking the positive, confident guy. Got me a good education and career. Had some anxiety/depression at university (which I took SSRIs for) but then managed to sweep it under the carpet and put on a good show. But the Black Dog never went away. Always felt fragile inside. Lonely and like an observer to the world, never really in it.

As I got into my 30s I self medicated with alcohol, casual sex, travel, sugar, anything to give me a buzz. Switching jobs, switching locations, switching friends, switching girlfriends. Always running running running from the Black Dog chasing me. That works for a few years, but "wherever you go, there you are."

Then at the end of last year my business started drying up, I was more and more aware that the constant running away, booze and hedonism was working less and less. Health problems surfaced. For the first time I was having to face myself. The real me in the mirror. And stopping my escapist strategies meant the Black Dog pounced. He became a wolf. Then a monster. Out of nowhere huge panic and anxiety surfaced. My business went down the toilet rapidly. There were some scandals online. Money problems escalated. I was on valium for the freak outs, which turned into all day affairs, then insomnia, night terrors, crazy shit physically and psychologically. The entire house of cards collapsed just as my 40th birthday rolled around. A literal mid-life crisis.

In desperation I reached out to an ex-girlfriend from years ago who I had stupidly left. Despite her being with another guy she took me back, bit by bit, and made the pain seem to go away. I realised what I was missing out on all those years was stability, comfort and love. We had a few months this summer and autumn together but my illness was still spiralling into a breakdown and she was alarmed. Long story short, she dropped me and went back to the other guy. He proposed. I went into a tailspin.

Simultaneously my finances tanked, I had to move back home, I lost the girl (who I should have settled down with years ago), I lost my drive, my focus, and then I realised my mental health was shattered. Depersonalisation, derealisation, the anxiety flipping to chronic depression. That became a zombie like despair. Days in bed. Weeks in bed. Now months in bed. Reality peeling at the edges.

The first attempt to CTB with carbon monoxide in a car over a week ago showed me that I wasn't just idealising about suicide but that I was serious. Failing the attempt made things much much worse. Psychologically because you feel even more hopeless and trapped. Physically because I'm feeling screwed up from the CO - headaches, fuzziness, out of it, like a hangover from hell.

So what does a breakdown feel like if someone has never had it? A baseball bat to the head. Drowning with weights attached. A bell jar. Fog. A nightmare on loop. A complete loss of identity, purpose, mojo, mission. Ego destruction. Isolation. Loneliness. What the fuck happened? How did I get to this place in a matter of months?

Family tell you it will go away. You can start again. Build from nothing. GPs said to take drugs. Friends said to think positive and drink green tea. Fuck that. I'm exhausted. I'm not going to do the last 20 years all over again. I can't use the same self-medicating. I have had my fill of life, I've flown too close to the sun and am now paying the price.

I thought I could run and hide from the Black Dog but he caught up with me. He was fucking angry. He ripped out my insides. He's left me for dead. I've got the SN kit ready for this Sunday/Monday to "put myself down" before the Black Dog gets a chance to return to eat me up and spit out my bones.

Forgive the ranting but there you go. It's off my chest. CTB is my last gesture of taking back ANY kind of control before I spiral further into a future of psychiatric care, medication and damage from the CO poisoning. "To be the captain of your own ship" is my motto, so I'm steering this ship towards the rocks before it goes down in a mighty storm.

 

[SoupSnakes]

I resist because it feels like moaning, playing the victim or being self-indulgent but fuck it, here goes nothing...

Please don't ever feel this way. It's none of these things.
You've explained your situation extremely well and I don't sense a single one of those things. I'm so sorry for you that you've had to endure all that and I hope your decision for the weekend has brought you some peace.

You know everyone is here for you should you need them up until that time.
I personally never really sleep, so always around if you ever want to rant further, have a deeper discussion or get anything else off your chest before you go.

thank you for sharing that with us x

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Very well written and deeply moving. I've lived somewhat similar in some aspects but I was the guy who settled down, started a family. It takes so long to build up your life but what seems like seconds just to destroy it. I think this is true regardless of situations or circumstances.

I spent 13 long years building my family and raising two boys. Only to have it all ripped away from me in the end. I put my life in the hands of others and now I'm paying for it.

Is it truly better to have loved and lost then never to have truly loved at all? Subjectively I cannot say for certain but I feel like both sides of the spectrum are painful extremes. I miss my family with every waking moment I have.

Life eventually catches up to all of us much like your black dog analogy. It always attacks when you're weakest and your guard is down. Some of us recover, some of us don't. Like you I feel like I don't have the strength or energy to start from scratch. We both are probably in the same age range and we would be getting up there in age before anything even remotely settled down again.

 

[CaptainT]

Please don't ever feel this way. It's none of these things.
You've explained your situation extremely well and I don't sense a single one of those things. I'm so sorry for you that you've had to endure all that and I hope your decision for the weekend has brought you some peace.

You know everyone is here for you should you need them up until that time.
I personally never really sleep, so always around if you ever want to rant further, have a deeper discussion or get anything else off your chest before you go.

thank you for sharing that with us x

Cheers @SoupSnakes, part of my "act" has always been to seem like there's nothing wrong, that I'll tough it out. With SN sitting on my table looking at me and waiting for the next few days, I'm saying fuck it to that British "keep calm and carry on." I've got to somehow let the anger out so I can be at peace with things when I go. Don't want to have the last few days bitter. Writing it helped. Thanks for offering to listen more.

Very well written and deeply moving. I've lived somewhat similar in some aspects but I was the guy who settled down, started a family. It takes so long to build up your life but what seems like seconds just to destroy it. I think this is true regardless of situations or circumstances.

I spent 13 long years building my family and raising two boys. Only to have it all ripped away from me in the end. I put my life in the hands of others and now I'm paying for it.

Is it truly better to have loved and lost then never to have truly loved at all? Subjectively I cannot say for certain but I feel like both sides of the spectrum are painful extremes. I miss my family with every waking moment I have.

Life eventually catches up to all of us much like your black dog analogy. It always attacks when you're weakest and your guard is down. Some of us recover, some of us don't. Like you I feel like I don't have the strength or energy to start from scratch. We both are probably in the same age range and we would be getting up there in age before anything even remotely settled down again.

"Takes so long to build up your life but what seems like seconds just to destroy it." - Feel your pain mate, I'm sorry about your family situation and the boys. It's so frustrating when others tell you to "start again, don't worry" and you're our age, knowing how much work it took to get to where we got. Let me know more of your story @Brick In The Wall if you're up for it. It's ironic that a forum for suicide advice is what's keeping me feeling alive for the last bit of my journey before SN is calling.

 

[JSauter]

If you don't mind me asking, what kind of business did you have? Did it fail due to your mental state or from market circumstances (which was a catalyst for your mental state)? You should be proud of what you accomplished while fending this off. Did you get off SSRIs in college? Were you on them during your time working?

 

[CaptainT]

If you don't mind me asking, what kind of business did you have? Did it fail due to your mental state or from market circumstances? You should be proud of what you accomplished while fending this off. Did you get off SSRIs in college? Were you on them during your time working?

Can't say about the business, but it failed because I ran out of steam and the market suddenly shifted. Double trouble. Was on Seroxat in university for a total of 4 years. They made me fat, apathetic and numb so I can't say if they helped or not, or it was just the situation. Getting into work in my 20s and then my own business in my 30s kept my mind active so I wasn't on any medication, but I could see the Black Dog behind me always so I had to keep running.

 

[JSauter]

Gotcha. Yeah, I had the same experience on SSRIs. I didn't gain any weight, but I did feel a 'numbness', as you say. I wish I had the expertise and experience to independently build something profitable, let alone while dealing with depression. What you did is exceptionally rare. Again, you should feel very proud of yourself. Even as you lie there in despair, with seemingly nothing around, you did well.

 

[CaptainT]

Gotcha. Yeah, I had the same experience on SSRIs. I didn't gain any weight, but I did feel a 'numbness', as you say. I wish I had the expertise and experience to independently build something profitable, let alone while dealing with depression. What you did is exceptionally rare. Again, you should feel very proud of yourself. Even as you lie there in despair, with seemingly nothing around, you did well.

Much appreciated. Let me know your story if you want to. Writing that rant has made me feel better.

 

[Lostblackchild]

I feel I can relate to OP. Ready to go myself.

 

[JSauter]

Much appreciated. Let me know your story if you want to. Writing that rant has made me feel better.

Appreciate you lending an ear, but thinking about my past and all the mistakes laden throughout really just bothers me. Maybe in the future I'll be able to put it all down. Again, thanks for being there to listen.

 

[realjunes]

So far I've used this forum for fact finding rather than being more honest about my situation. Never been good at saying what happened or sharing personal stuff but I really appreciate the PMs people have sent asking if they can lend an ear. Now because I know there's just a few days left on here for me I thought sod it, just try and put down what's going on. I resist because it feels like moaning, playing the victim or being self-indulgent but fuck it, here goes nothing...

I'm very good at (or was good at) faking the positive, confident guy. Got me a good education and career. Had some anxiety/depression at university (which I took SSRIs for) but then managed to sweep it under the carpet and put on a good show. But the Black Dog never went away. Always felt fragile inside. Lonely and like an observer to the world, never really in it.

As I got into my 30s I self medicated with alcohol, casual sex, travel, sugar, anything to give me a buzz. Switching jobs, switching locations, switching friends, switching girlfriends. Always running running running from the Black Dog chasing me. That works for a few years, but "wherever you go, there you are."

Then at the end of last year my business started drying up, I was more and more aware that the constant running away, booze and hedonism was working less and less. Health problems surfaced. For the first time I was having to face myself. The real me in the mirror. And stopping my escapist strategies meant the Black Dog pounced. He became a wolf. Then a monster. Out of nowhere huge panic and anxiety surfaced. My business went down the toilet rapidly. There were some scandals online. Money problems escalated. I was on valium for the freak outs, which turned into all day affairs, then insomnia, night terrors, crazy shit physically and psychologically. The entire house of cards collapsed just as my 40th birthday rolled around. A literal mid-life crisis.

In desperation I reached out to an ex-girlfriend from years ago who I had stupidly left. Despite her being with another guy she took me back, bit by bit, and made the pain seem to go away. I realised what I was missing out on all those years was stability, comfort and love. We had a few months this summer and autumn together but my illness was still spiralling into a breakdown and she was alarmed. Long story short, she dropped me and went back to the other guy. He proposed. I went into a tailspin.

Simultaneously my finances tanked, I had to move back home, I lost the girl (who I should have settled down with years ago), I lost my drive, my focus, and then I realised my mental health was shattered. Depersonalisation, derealisation, the anxiety flipping to chronic depression. That became a zombie like despair. Days in bed. Weeks in bed. Now months in bed. Reality peeling at the edges.

The first attempt to CTB with carbon monoxide in a car over a week ago showed me that I wasn't just idealising about suicide but that I was serious. Failing the attempt made things much much worse. Psychologically because you feel even more hopeless and trapped. Physically because I'm feeling screwed up from the CO - headaches, fuzziness, out of it, like a hangover from hell.

So what does a breakdown feel like if someone has never had it? A baseball bat to the head. Drowning with weights attached. A bell jar. Fog. A nightmare on loop. A complete loss of identity, purpose, mojo, mission. Ego destruction. Isolation. Loneliness. What the fuck happened? How did I get to this place in a matter of months?

Family tell you it will go away. You can start again. Build from nothing. GPs said to take drugs. Friends said to think positive and drink green tea. Fuck that. I'm exhausted. I'm not going to do the last 20 years all over again. I can't use the same self-medicating. I have had my fill of life, I've flown too close to the sun and am now paying the price.

I thought I could run and hide from the Black Dog but he caught up with me. He was fucking angry. He ripped out my insides. He's left me for dead. I've got the SN kit ready for this Sunday/Monday to "put myself down" before the Black Dog gets a chance to return to eat me up and spit out my bones.

Forgive the ranting but there you go. It's off my chest. CTB is my last gesture of taking back ANY kind of control before I spiral further into a future of psychiatric care, medication and damage from the CO poisoning. "To be the captain of your own ship" is my motto, so I'm steering this ship towards the rocks before it goes down in a mighty storm.

Captain T,
We, of course, do not know one another, but I read your account of the CTB attempt with CO, and felt I wish I did know you. Then today your story is wrenching and you are a meaningful poet. I haven't been on the forum long, but the way you communicate and assist others demonstrates what the inside of your heart is like, notwithstanding the Black Dog which haunts you. Thank you for existing in my life. With affection, I wish you peace my new friend.

 

[CaptainT]

SN Plan For 17th/18th Nov:

Sunday 17th:
6am - 10mg domperidone
2pm - 10mg domperidone
10pm - 10mg domperidoe

Monday 18th:
6am - 10mg domperidone
8am - hotel breakfast (last food)
2pm - 10mg domperidone
7pm - 5mg valium
8pm - 5 mg valium
9pm - 30mg domperidone (plus possible 5 mg valium)
9.30pm - Over the counter antacid "Tums". Double dose.
10pm - 25mg SN in 50ml water


* The antacid is still my only question mark as I'm taking domperidone not metoclopramide. Any final thoughts @Stan, I know I've been a broken record on this?!

Captain T,
We, of course, do not know one another, but I read your account of the CTB attempt with CO, and felt I wish I did know you. Then today your story is wrenching and you are a meaningful poet. I haven't been on the forum long, but the way you communicate and assist others demonstrates what the inside of your heart is like, notwithstanding the Black Dog which haunts you. Thank you for existing in my life. With affection, I wish you peace my new friend.

Thanks @realjunes I salute you. Wishing you peace in your life too. Your friend T

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You did well to post. It's the right thing to share such stuff so others can understand. You've fought hard to get as far as you have. The Black Dog always call catches up though doesn't it?

I can relate to your story. I dealt with my Black Dog all my life with booze. Now at 47 I'm paying the price lying in bed abandoned and in pain. I tried everything but booze was the only thing that worked. I bought my todays at the expense of all my tomorrows.

I wish you could find another way. If this is your choice, we are here for you @CaptainT

 

[MeltingHeart]

Know what you mean about that what the f**k happened bit...its felt like a matter of months for me too. I look at the me of a year ago and its like another person. Also feel the same about the prospect of a future of psych care, meds etc- again even if that did work (much more likely to make me feel much worse) the prospect of stuggling again after working so many years to build up a nice (ish) life that has totally fallen away- I just cant do that all over again- it took me years and drained me so much the first time round-it was all so stressful to get there-it probably contributed to my breakdown - so therefore what would be the point in re-doing all that over again -just to try and make a reasonable life, it was too hard before and now would be much harder in turn, nigh on impossible

I like the black dog metaphor.

 

[Stan]

Thanks for sharing your story. I half smiled at the black dog. I became a bit infatuated about famous people with depression and read a bit about Winston Churchill during the war, and that was the name he gave his depression.

* The antacid is still my only question mark as I'm taking domperidone not metoclopramide. Any final thoughts @Stan, I know I've been a broken record on this?!

That will be fine, it wont hurt for sure.

 

[NickStanfield]

Captain - your story could just as well be my story. I think in the end, I'm tired, I'm broken - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and the hits just keep coming every day. I've shaken off enough bad news, failure, pain and suffering for 100 people and it just keeps getting piled back on, deeper and higher each time. I've just run out of energy to shake it off any more.

Fair wind to your sails, good sir and may your journey be swift and painless!

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

The black dog is always there he waits and pounces when he thinks your defences are down he attacks with ferocity each time becoming more & more intense you think that I've got him this time I can win but no he waits I don't know how old you are captain but I guess you are older than me you've wrestled the black dog more times than I have. The sex alcohol, money, and music are not working for me like they once used to the black dog is winning I win the battle each day but I'm losing the war the black dog has me he will devour me one day what scares me the most is that one day I won't care anymore and I will let the black dog have me.

 

[Matti]

This was very touching to read and so well written. As you stated in my thread, I really feel your pain. You are not alone in this. I hope everything works out for you, and I will follow you here and be here if you still go through with your plan on Sunday.